Always nagging

[Dante]

I've been OK now for a while, functional, happy enough considering circumstances, but, as I've said before on here, occasionally it feels like the "OK" me is just an act, or a mask which slips occasionally and underneath it I'm still as broken and desperate and empty as I was at the worst of it. One of the things I have been ignoring is this little nagging at the back of my mind, I do my best to deny it or ignore it, but it just catches me out every now and then when I let my guard down.

I was watching a film today, I finally managed to get around to watching Avengers Endgame (yea I know, i waited a while) and I really enjoyed it, and at the end I felt that feeling of renewal you get when you have watched something really great (or at least I do) like a whole load of emotions that had been gathering dust have had the cobwebs dusted off and been let out for a spin, and the credits rolled and then I pressed stop and asked "well, what now?" and immediately that nagging voice answered "We should just end it."

It caught me off guard and i reeled a bit from it, and I cant stop asking myself why wont this thing just go away? It reminds me of this image I had in my head at university when I was at my worst, like I had locked up my inner child and buried the cage down deep just to keep going, and now the inner child was crying. Its like that little voice is just begging to die and all I have done is just learn to bury it deeper. Why is it that deep down I still see life as a thing to be endured until it is over? I decided suicide wasn't an option long ago, but some part of me never got the message and is still asking the question, every time there is an empty moment and I don't have something set up to do next, it asks me "Why cant it just be over?" and I falter, and I feel tears forming and I just want to find a corner and curl up into a ball and stop existing.

How am I supposed to be content if, no matter what, my own mind is still asking to die?

 

[Mr.notduck]

I dont have an answer for you, all I have is that I have that same voice too. The most poetic way I've ever heard it described is the call of the void. I was listening to a neurologist talk about how non suicidal people hear the same voice in high places. She thinks its the brain misfilling in information between subconscious and conscious thought. A fake thought your brain is filling in to explain the difference between your subconscious feelings and your conscious thought. Like an optical illusion but of thought. I have no idea on how to make it stop but the idea that its just an illusion sometimes helps me.

 

[Dante]

I dont have an answer for you, all I have is that I have that same voice too. The most poetic way I've ever heard it described is the call of the void. I was listening to a neurologist talk about how non suicidal people hear the same voice in high places. She thinks its the brain misfilling in information between subconscious and conscious thought. A fake thought your brain is filling in to explain the difference between your subconscious feelings and your conscious thought. Like an optical illusion but of thought. I have no idea on how to make it stop but the idea that its just an illusion sometimes helps me.

The problem is that the voice feels more like me than I do, that if I embrace it its all too easy to become it again, that I'M the illusion.