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Bad night, bad life.

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Lastsunset

SF Supporter
#1
I feel like I’ve fucked up my life already, and by extension, my kiddo’s. And I can’t hit reset, you only get one shot. And now my future is dead. What’s the point in going on if you know you’re going to die at some point. Does it matter if we just want to help accelerate the process? My daughter almost cried because I heard her wrong. I asked her if I could give her a kiss on her cheek, she said no, so I kissed her forehead. She was saying something as I was walking away, I just tried to go with it but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I got to the bedroom door, turned back to say good night but it sounded like she was starting to cry.. I walked back to ask what was wrong and she said she did want a kiss on her cheek. I can’t handle it whenever she cries, I immediately feel guilty and like a rotten person. I feel like poison, like something harmful to her— I really don’t believe I should be in the picture for her, in her life. I’m too insecure to be a good parent. I worry that I can’t help but be just like my mom. It’s not nature vs nurture it’s nature + nurture, and we don’t pick the traits that carry on through nature. I’ve the undesirable parts of my mom I wish I could erase. It’s impossible though. What’s the point of fighting it, then? There’s none.
Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I don’t want to stick around anymore. It’s all an endless loop of pain and misery. I wish I was never born.
 
#2
Sorry that you're feeling this way Lastsunset
She was saying something as I was walking away, I just tried to go with it but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I got to the bedroom door, turned back to say good night but it sounded like she was starting to cry.. I walked back to ask what was wrong and she said she did want a kiss on her cheek. I can’t handle it whenever she cries, I immediately feel guilty and like a rotten person. I feel like poison, like something harmful to her— I really don’t believe I should be in the picture for her, in her life
You really didn't do anything bad. Please don't be hard on yourself.

Hugs Lastsunset
 
#4
But I did. I had taken a couple pills that afternoon. I always want her to feel at ease and comfortable but kids are perceptive subconsciously and can feel that something is wrong, tension in a room, even if they don’t have words for the feelings. So I attribute my inability to be present and hear what she said, and that she would cry over what happened, to me taking those. Kids also blame themselves for everything, can’t help it. So she was probably sad and confused about what was going on. And that was my fault.
 

AliceSugirl

Try my best to save lives
#7
Why is that surprising
Because most my friends don`t get married when they are 24.So it`s very surprising that you are 24 but have 5 year old daughter.
I wish her not to suffer from depression in the future.
By the way , where are you from?
Have you finished university?
 

LostGirl22

To live would be an awfully big adventure
#8
I don't really know what to say that may help you. Your daughter sounds like she cares about you a lot and she's still young and it's common for young kids to be sensitive to other people's emotions. I hope you can get through this, if not for yourself therefor your daughter. I know you're very confused and unhappy but things don't have to be this way all the time. Sending you hugs and well wishes.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#11
Sounds as though you're unnecessarily hard on yourself. Something like this happens to every single parent on the planet regularly. It's nothing that makes them bad people.. or bad parents.. or anything negative for that matter. It just "is". Shit happens. Kids are resilient. Your daughter won't even **remember** that happening in a week.
 
#15
Sounds as though you're unnecessarily hard on yourself. Something like this happens to every single parent on the planet regularly. It's nothing that makes them bad people.. or bad parents.. or anything negative for that matter. It just "is". Shit happens. Kids are resilient. Your daughter won't even **remember** that happening in a week.
It always feels devastating in the moment to me. Any time she cries I just recoil instantly internally. It’s gotten so that hearing other children or babies crying makes me extremely uncomfortable. And I work at a grocery store so it happens often.
Whether she remembers or not isn’t something I think too much about. I know kids are resilient, I’m not expecting that she will remember.. it’s the overall experience she has that I worry about, I think? I also don’t allow myself to make mistakes in anything involving her, and I know that’s unrealistic but I’m not sure how to change how I think about it.
I sound more sure about all this than I am though. I’m confused on how I feel about this type of crap. If I answered this tomorrow I’d probably give a completely different answer.
 
#16
Hey the next few years are extremely pivotal in your kid's life. If you passed away now your child will grow up never understanding what went wrong.
Instead of being overwhelmed by the slight negatives you should focus on what you can provide and give to your child.
Every day you live, you have opportunity to be the mom you desire to be. Everything doesn't have to fall into place at once you got to gradually progress every day
 
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