I feel like I’ve fucked up my life already, and by extension, my kiddo’s. And I can’t hit reset, you only get one shot. And now my future is dead. What’s the point in going on if you know you’re going to die at some point. Does it matter if we just want to help accelerate the process? My daughter almost cried because I heard her wrong. I asked her if I could give her a kiss on her cheek, she said no, so I kissed her forehead. She was saying something as I was walking away, I just tried to go with it but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I got to the bedroom door, turned back to say good night but it sounded like she was starting to cry.. I walked back to ask what was wrong and she said she did want a kiss on her cheek. I can’t handle it whenever she cries, I immediately feel guilty and like a rotten person. I feel like poison, like something harmful to her— I really don’t believe I should be in the picture for her, in her life. I’m too insecure to be a good parent. I worry that I can’t help but be just like my mom. It’s not nature vs nurture it’s nature + nurture, and we don’t pick the traits that carry on through nature. I’ve the undesirable parts of my mom I wish I could erase. It’s impossible though. What’s the point of fighting it, then? There’s none.
Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I don’t want to stick around anymore. It’s all an endless loop of pain and misery. I wish I was never born.
Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I don’t want to stick around anymore. It’s all an endless loop of pain and misery. I wish I was never born.
