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Being a productive member of society?

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#1
Being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world is exhausting.

*negativity, cynicism, pessimism ahead

It's so tiring waking up every morning even less enthusiastic about living to see another day than the day before. There are just so many expectations! Thinking about the "sweet release of death" (not encouraging suicide, we're all here because we want help, just saying what most of us are thinking) every minute of the day and still being expected to perform as a functioning member of society is impossible!
  • waking to an alarm day after day only to go through the effort of showering, feeding yourself, doing your eyebrows (these beauties don't draw themselves)
  • attending your nth year of counselling, taking your nth variety of anti-depressants, doing your nth repetition of CBT + DBT exercises
  • going to class and writing essays and studying for tests for a degree with a low employment rate anyway (while I can praise the philosophical life - what good is a PhD in Philosophy in the real world?)
  • socializing - painting a smile on your face - in order to keep the only friends you have left around
  • working minimum wage to house and feed the parasitic vessel that is your body...
You know what else baffles me? The practice of walking past an acquaintance and exchanging the customary:

"How are you?"

"I'm alright. How are you?"

"I well, thanks."

No one likes the alternative answer.

It's worse when it comes from friends, you know...

"While I very well know that you're constantly on the verge of breaking down, have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol given the abusive household in which you grew up, and think that everyone you meet hates you and finds you to be a burden, Ann, do you have any plans for St. Patty's Day?"

"Oh you know, probably the usual, just laying awake in dorm-room bed for most of the night trying to cope with the depression, anxiety, personality disorder (#ClusterC:represent!), trying not to give into the self-harm tendencies, find meaning to my life..."

Like, what else am I to say? There comes a point when you've "reached out" all that you can. I don't think that people understand that you're not going to be better after one "I'm here for you" chat. But any more than that just feeds the codependency and the habit of ruining any relationships I make.

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for those who offer comforting words and a shoulder to cry on. However, in real life, you're expected to bounce right back... and mental illness just doesn't work that way.

Anyway, sending a life-time's supply of hugs to all who need them.

- Ann :)

*Sorry for the negatively in such a loving and supportive community. I'm just procrastinating on doing pages of notes I'm expected to upload for my university's note-taking position I applied to for way back when (it looks nice on a CV) and was like "I DO NOT FEEL WELL ENOUGH TO FULFILL MY RESPONSIBILITIES TO MYSELF AND OTHERS." Also read Kafka's The Trial the other day, made my think about how Josef K.'s life was turned around when he was accused of a crime he didn't commit (didn't know he committed?) and was consumed by his guilt up until the point that he just willingly accepted his execution while everyone was like "we don't know what you're guilty for, we're just doing our job in this corrupted bureaucracy, but just feel free to go about your life as if nothing happened - you'll be hearing from us at some other time in the future" and he was all "HOW. HOW AM I TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH THIS ALWAYS AT THE BACK OF MY MIND."

Kay, I'm done.
 

Kira

✮.·.☆ Gelfling ☆.·.✮
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#3
Hey @Ann Onymous :)

Thanks for a somewhat insightful and realistic "rant". I like the way you think and write. A very refreshing read!!

Don't get me wrong, I wish things were better for you but your honestly was, well, encouraging. Productive. ;)

All the best - Kira ox
 

Silverpuddle

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#4
Hey, @Ann Onymous . . . I can totally identify with what you're saying. There's nothing in the world more exhausting than being so sick you're in constant pain, but not sick enough to actually give up and fall apart completely. I remember feeling like every nerve was stretched and shredded to the breaking point.

I see you're still quite young, and I hope you'll forgive me if I play mental illness veterano for a moment. Chronic mental illness is a marathon, not a sprint, and you can only go flat out for so long. Are there parts of your daily routine that you can let slide when you're really not feeling well? You may or may not have heard of "spoon theory," which is a popular analogy likening emotional and physical energy to spoons. (Why spoons? Beats the hell out of me.) The idea is that you have a finite number of spoons in a world that can seem to demand infinite amounts. You have to learn to budget. As in: I have ten spoons. Work takes six of them. I want to go out with my friends, which takes two. That leaves me with two spoons left, when homework usually takes four. So I can either reschedule with my friends or only do the most critical bits of the homework and let the rest slide. It may seem like you end up doing a half-assed job on everything, and maybe technically you are, but being half-assedly functional is a lot better than hitting a wall and ending up in the hospital (which is exactly what I did when I was a college freshman. Go me!)
 
#6
Hey @Ann Onymous :)

Thanks for a somewhat insightful and realistic "rant". I like the way you think and write. A very refreshing read!!

Don't get me wrong, I wish things were better for you but your honestly was, well, encouraging. Productive. ;)

All the best - Kira ox
Thank you for your kind words, Kira! I'm pleased to know that you like my writing (especially when I'm sometimes half-asleep when I write these)!

Take care!

- Ann :)
 
#7
Hey, @Ann Onymous . . . I can totally identify with what you're saying. There's nothing in the world more exhausting than being so sick you're in constant pain, but not sick enough to actually give up and fall apart completely. I remember feeling like every nerve was stretched and shredded to the breaking point.

I see you're still quite young, and I hope you'll forgive me if I play mental illness veterano for a moment. Chronic mental illness is a marathon, not a sprint, and you can only go flat out for so long. Are there parts of your daily routine that you can let slide when you're really not feeling well? You may or may not have heard of "spoon theory," which is a popular analogy likening emotional and physical energy to spoons. (Why spoons? Beats the hell out of me.) The idea is that you have a finite number of spoons in a world that can seem to demand infinite amounts. You have to learn to budget. As in: I have ten spoons. Work takes six of them. I want to go out with my friends, which takes two. That leaves me with two spoons left, when homework usually takes four. So I can either reschedule with my friends or only do the most critical bits of the homework and let the rest slide. It may seem like you end up doing a half-assed job on everything, and maybe technically you are, but being half-assedly functional is a lot better than hitting a wall and ending up in the hospital (which is exactly what I did when I was a college freshman. Go me!)
Thank you, Silver! I really appreciate your veteran input! It's comforting to get advice from someone wiser and older (I'm picturing you as female Gandalf here) than myself. I have heard of the "spoon theory"! I find it to be a great analogy for explaining life with mental illness to others. I like your marathon one too! I just wish I were at the finish line already so that I could live a normal life... I will keep it in mind though (I should probably look into exercising in real life, now that you mention it...)!

All the best! ♥

- Ann :)
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
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#9
This post is pretty great. I think it says a lot of what people are actually thinking. If it had wrapped up with a positive spin of some kind we could post it on the home page hahaha But really, good job. Thanks for sharing.
 
#10
This post is pretty great. I think it says a lot of what people are actually thinking. If it had wrapped up with a positive spin of some kind we could post it on the home page hahaha But really, good job. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, man! I'm glad to hear that it resonates with people, I was worried that I was alone in my ramblings, haha.

Take care! :)
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#11
I was worried that I was alone in my ramblings
I've learned that you're never alone in your thoughts. Someone has always thought the same thing as you have. Hell, usually it's a lot closer than you think it is. f you ask around people will identify with those feelings or thoughts somewhere. But even if you don't find them around you specifically there's nothing that others haven't thought. No one is quite that unique. Linking those people up together to share them is the key (in order to not feel alone, such as this).
Cheers.
 
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