Being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world is exhausting.
*negativity, cynicism, pessimism ahead
It's so tiring waking up every morning even less enthusiastic about living to see another day than the day before. There are just so many expectations! Thinking about the "sweet release of death" (not encouraging suicide, we're all here because we want help, just saying what most of us are thinking) every minute of the day and still being expected to perform as a functioning member of society is impossible!
"How are you?"
"I'm alright. How are you?"
"I well, thanks."
No one likes the alternative answer.
It's worse when it comes from friends, you know...
"While I very well know that you're constantly on the verge of breaking down, have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol given the abusive household in which you grew up, and think that everyone you meet hates you and finds you to be a burden, Ann, do you have any plans for St. Patty's Day?"
"Oh you know, probably the usual, just laying awake in dorm-room bed for most of the night trying to cope with the depression, anxiety, personality disorder (#ClusterC:represent!), trying not to give into the self-harm tendencies, find meaning to my life..."
Like, what else am I to say? There comes a point when you've "reached out" all that you can. I don't think that people understand that you're not going to be better after one "I'm here for you" chat. But any more than that just feeds the codependency and the habit of ruining any relationships I make.
Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for those who offer comforting words and a shoulder to cry on. However, in real life, you're expected to bounce right back... and mental illness just doesn't work that way.
Anyway, sending a life-time's supply of hugs to all who need them.
- Ann
*Sorry for the negatively in such a loving and supportive community. I'm just procrastinating on doing pages of notes I'm expected to upload for my university's note-taking position I applied to for way back when (it looks nice on a CV) and was like "I DO NOT FEEL WELL ENOUGH TO FULFILL MY RESPONSIBILITIES TO MYSELF AND OTHERS." Also read Kafka's The Trial the other day, made my think about how Josef K.'s life was turned around when he was accused of a crime he didn't commit (didn't know he committed?) and was consumed by his guilt up until the point that he just willingly accepted his execution while everyone was like "we don't know what you're guilty for, we're just doing our job in this corrupted bureaucracy, but just feel free to go about your life as if nothing happened - you'll be hearing from us at some other time in the future" and he was all "HOW. HOW AM I TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH THIS ALWAYS AT THE BACK OF MY MIND."
Kay, I'm done.
*negativity, cynicism, pessimism ahead
It's so tiring waking up every morning even less enthusiastic about living to see another day than the day before. There are just so many expectations! Thinking about the "sweet release of death" (not encouraging suicide, we're all here because we want help, just saying what most of us are thinking) every minute of the day and still being expected to perform as a functioning member of society is impossible!
- waking to an alarm day after day only to go through the effort of showering, feeding yourself, doing your eyebrows (these beauties don't draw themselves)
- attending your nth year of counselling, taking your nth variety of anti-depressants, doing your nth repetition of CBT + DBT exercises
- going to class and writing essays and studying for tests for a degree with a low employment rate anyway (while I can praise the philosophical life - what good is a PhD in Philosophy in the real world?)
- socializing - painting a smile on your face - in order to keep the only friends you have left around
- working minimum wage to house and feed the parasitic vessel that is your body...
"How are you?"
"I'm alright. How are you?"
"I well, thanks."
No one likes the alternative answer.
It's worse when it comes from friends, you know...
"While I very well know that you're constantly on the verge of breaking down, have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol given the abusive household in which you grew up, and think that everyone you meet hates you and finds you to be a burden, Ann, do you have any plans for St. Patty's Day?"
"Oh you know, probably the usual, just laying awake in dorm-room bed for most of the night trying to cope with the depression, anxiety, personality disorder (#ClusterC:represent!), trying not to give into the self-harm tendencies, find meaning to my life..."
Like, what else am I to say? There comes a point when you've "reached out" all that you can. I don't think that people understand that you're not going to be better after one "I'm here for you" chat. But any more than that just feeds the codependency and the habit of ruining any relationships I make.
Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful for those who offer comforting words and a shoulder to cry on. However, in real life, you're expected to bounce right back... and mental illness just doesn't work that way.
Anyway, sending a life-time's supply of hugs to all who need them.
- Ann
*Sorry for the negatively in such a loving and supportive community. I'm just procrastinating on doing pages of notes I'm expected to upload for my university's note-taking position I applied to for way back when (it looks nice on a CV) and was like "I DO NOT FEEL WELL ENOUGH TO FULFILL MY RESPONSIBILITIES TO MYSELF AND OTHERS." Also read Kafka's The Trial the other day, made my think about how Josef K.'s life was turned around when he was accused of a crime he didn't commit (didn't know he committed?) and was consumed by his guilt up until the point that he just willingly accepted his execution while everyone was like "we don't know what you're guilty for, we're just doing our job in this corrupted bureaucracy, but just feel free to go about your life as if nothing happened - you'll be hearing from us at some other time in the future" and he was all "HOW. HOW AM I TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH THIS ALWAYS AT THE BACK OF MY MIND."
Kay, I'm done.