Wish I felt more at home here. But you guys all know each other. I'm so tired of living with this illness and hating myself. I'm tired of being scared almost every second of every day. I'm tired of the lonliness that never eases up. I'm tired of still loving and wanting my ex, 9 months after I broke up with him. Sorry for the rant.
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BPD Support Thread
- Thread starter Aurelia
- Start date
Rand and join in all that you like. That is the best way to get to know others here and become known. I can see where if you are scared that would put a damper on things. One thing I have noticed with others here and which I hope for others whether they are new here or been for a while is to jump in as much as they feel comfortable with doing to better acquaint themselves. All are welcomed.
I'm basically finally done my Christmas shopping by the way...decorations, gifts, cards.... Except for stocking stuffers for me and my brother (which I'll end up spending another 50 bucks or so on at this rate lol..) And then if my aunt and uncle end up coming over (which I kind of doubt) will also have to get them a gift too. So I guess kind of done...but not really lol.
Here's the finished product..
Here's the finished product..
I'm kind of sad...started talking to my husband again, who claimed he was clean and doing better. And now it seems he fell asleep on me again on the phone...which indicates he's not so clean after all. I have to stop investing myself into him emotionally...because all I get in return is disappointment and pain. But I can't help that I still care.
Yeah, I know. I just want so badly to believe him when he tells me he's doing better. I mean, he's in pain, though, and he says the drugs are the only thing that take it away. It's not his fault that he's in pain, but at the same time, if I simply overlook and justify it, he'll have no reason to even want to do anything different. But just as well, I'm really not sure what an alternative could be for him in the meantime if nothing else works and he's not getting the proper treatment quite yet (he has an appointment, but has to wait).
I recently helped him with all the expenses for our dog, helped him with his own groceries, gave him cigarettes, keep paying for the internet, gave him extra suboxone because he sold too many of his and shorted himself, paid that douche he lives with gas money to drive him around, ordered food for him last night..like, I'm doing so much for him and it just goes unnoticed for the most part. Like, he'll say thanks or "you don't have to do that" but in reality it's exactly what he's hoping I'll do and I know that. And then despite all of that, can't even get a proper "goodnight" at the end of the day because he nods out in the middle of our phone call.
I'm also sleeping pretty shitty. Had a sleep paralysis episode last night. And I swear, this type of shit gets worse when we're in contact. My anxiety increases about tenfold. And yet, I still can't stay away. So bottom line, I'm an idiot...albeit, perfectly conscious of this fact. Though, now that I think about it, perhaps that makes it even worse and more pathetic...lol.