BPD Support Thread

[Innocent Forever]

I just really liked someone's email description. Internal shutdown. I do that constantly. Shut down because everything is too much. It's why I have no idea what I feel etc. Though logically I can work a lot out and understand a lot. It's also why I often don't know if what I say is true or not. Because as soon as I engage with the intensity it's no longer there, so was it even there to begin with? Was I really freaking out or just saying I was?
Honestly it's better than it was. I can feel happy/sad for others. Just not for myself.
If it's ever possible to really live and be okay with the intensity maybe it's worth it. Is it possible? I've no idea. Because I don't really feel much ever.

 

[Aurelia]

I feel like I can't handle emotional pain very well at all. I just automatically want to quit and make it go away. I can handle all kinds of physical pain, probably better than most people. But I can't deal with what's going on in my head. Why is that? Why am I so fucking weak? I don't want this disorder...I just want it all to go away.

 

[dandelions]

I just really liked someone's email description. Internal shutdown. I do that constantly. Shut down because everything is too much. It's why I have no idea what I feel etc. Though logically I can work a lot out and understand a lot. It's also why I often don't know if what I say is true or not. Because as soon as I engage with the intensity it's no longer there, so was it even there to begin with? Was I really freaking out or just saying I was?
Honestly it's better than it was. I can feel happy/sad for others. Just not for myself.
If it's ever possible to really live and be okay with the intensity maybe it's worth it. Is it possible? I've no idea. Because I don't really feel much ever.

i think i understand this. and funny, right now i don’t know how to express understanding it.

Thought I posted this reply yesterday, but here it is still waiting. Still don't know how to express. "Post..." anyway...

 

[Innocent Forever]

I feel like I can't handle emotional pain very well at all. I just automatically want to quit and make it go away. I can handle all kinds of physical pain, probably better than most people. But I can't deal with what's going on in my head. Why is that? Why am I so fucking weak? I don't want this disorder...I just want it all to go away.

You're not weak. The pain is just way more intense for you then for most.

 

[Aurelia]

You're not weak. The pain is just way more intense for you then for most.

The icing on the cake is that I don't have any opiates in me at the moment. I haven't taken any Sub for two days. I'm sweaty, my skin is crawling, I'm restless and haven't slept much, having hot flashes...but the worst part of it all is the mental bullshit that comes along with it.

 

[Innocent Forever]

The icing on the cake is that I don't have any opiates in me at the moment. I haven't taken any Sub for two days. I'm sweaty, my skin is crawling, I'm restless and haven't slept much, having hot flashes...but the worst part of it all is the mental bullshit that comes along with it.

Ouch. Withdrawal is hell on earth... I'm guessing you can't just get subs or you would have already done so. Is there anything like a hot bath that makes it easier? I know that's obvious but sometimes the obvious is helpful... sending loadsa hugs.... I really hope you can change this soon...

 

[Aurelia]

Ouch. Withdrawal is hell on earth... I'm guessing you can't just get subs or you would have already done so. Is there anything like a hot bath that makes it easier? I know that's obvious but sometimes the obvious is helpful... sending loadsa hugs.... I really hope you can change this soon...

I can deal with the sweating and all that. My point was just that the mental shit is much harder for me to deal with. But Sub withdrawal is actually more tolerable than, for example, dope, methadone, or fentanyl. Sub withdrawal is roses compared to those. I still felt like total dog-ass, but I've definitely been through worse, so...lol

 

[Innocent Forever]

I can deal with the sweating and all that. My point was just that the mental shit is much harder for me to deal with. But Sub withdrawal is actually more tolerable than, for example, dope, methadone, or fentanyl. Sub withdrawal is roses compared to those. I still felt like total dog-ass, but I've definitely been through worse, so...lol

I thought the physical withdrawal makes the mental much worse?

 

[Aurelia]

I thought the physical withdrawal makes the mental much worse?

It does kind of, but I look at the mental as being by itself I guess. It's just another symptom alongside the others.

 

[Aurelia]

I really can't stand men at this point. So @Witty_Sarcasm and @Angie74 are my new girlfriends from this point forward. And maybe @Innocent Forever can be my side piece if she wants to. :P

 

[Aurelia]

But in all seriousness, I really do want a girlfriend more than anything if shit was to finally hit the fan in my marriage. I don't think I can deal with another man at this point.

I've secretly always wanted to try a relationship with a female, a real, committed romantic relationship. Not just a fling. And I've never had the chance to. So I just feel like it's something that I need to try in order to figure out if it's what I've needed all along.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

But in all seriousness, I really do want a girlfriend more than anything if shit was to finally hit the fan in my marriage. I don't think I can deal with another man at this point.

I've secretly always wanted to try a relationship with a female, a real, committed romantic relationship. Not just a fling. And I've never had the chance to. So I just feel like it's something that I need to try in order to figure out if it's what I've needed all along.

Well if you're serious, I'm here, but I think I'd rather not be a side piece. haha

 

[Aurelia]

Well if you're serious, I'm here, but I think I'd rather not be a side piece. haha

Lol, I wouldn't make you a side piece. Or anyone, for that matter. That was just a joke. But what happened to your boyfriend? Is that no longer a thing?

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Lol, I wouldn't make you a side piece. Or anyone, for that matter. That was just a joke. But what happened to your boyfriend? Is that no longer a thing?

Yeah, he broke it off a couple months ago. So I mean I'm a free agent. lol

 

[Aurelia]

Yeah, he broke it off a couple months ago. So I mean I'm a free agent. lol

Lol, just keep in mind that you offered that information to me at your own peril. 😉 But really, he's a jackoff for breaking it off with you. He should have been saving up cash so that one of you could see the other. Doesn't seem like he was all that serious about it. I think he expected for you to get the money yourself, fly out there, and all he'd have to do is sit on his ass and wait to get the go ahead to come to the states. That's messed up. It should be a two person effort.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Lol, just keep in mind that you offered that information to me at your own peril. 😉 But really, he's a jackoff for breaking it off with you. He should have been saving up cash so that one of you could see the other. Doesn't seem like he was all that serious about it. I think he expected for you to get the money yourself, fly out there, and all he'd have to do is sit on his ass and wait to get the go ahead to come to the states. That's messed up. It should be a two person effort.

It's just that we're on different paths in life, so I can understand that much. And we're on amicable terms for the most part. But I didn't say anything because I don't want to bother anyone with my personal issues.

 

[Aurelia]

It's just that we're on different paths in life, so I can understand that much. And we're on amicable terms for the most part. But I didn't say anything because I don't want to bother anyone with my personal issues.

What do you mean by different paths?

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

What do you mean by different paths?

I don't know, just different stages in life. Age gap and all that. I'm trying to focus more on what I want out of life now.

 

[Aurelia]

I don't know, just different stages in life. Age gap and all that. I'm trying to focus more on what I want out of life now.

I honestly think that was just an excuse, but you know him better than I do, so I'll shut up about it, lol. Either way, you have my support and even though you certainly didn't have to deal with it alone, I do commend you for doing so. I know that's not easy for people like us. It takes a lot of strength.

 

[Sunspots]

I don't want to bother anyone with my personal issues.

Errrmm... Excuse me? Isn't that what this place is for? You are always supporting people here, you're entitled to some too
I'm sorry it didn't work out.