Fuck man...I know I'm right about what I just said, but still feel so goddamned shitty. Like, what if something bad really does happen and he thinks I don't care because of what I said? But that's not at all true. I do care...probably too damned much. I'm just trying to somewhat protect my sanity, here, because he sure as hell isn't.
He doesn't speak the language of empathy, guilt, helplessness, and fear. All he really knows is pain and anger. Hence, im quite sure that he truly doesn't understand when I tell him that the shit he says absolutely tears me apart and makes me feel guilty, or helpless, or afraid. In his mind, he's the one going through it, so whatever I feel on his account is incomprehensible to him because that requires empathy in order to understand it. And it doesn't matter how much I try to explain it, either. I'm still the selfish one, in his mind, because my emotional turmoil (both on my own account AND his) doesn't compare to what he's going through. My guilt over not being able to take away his pain, therefore, means nothing. My being terrified of losing him means nothing. My feelings of helplessness when I can't do a damn thing to fix his situation mean nothing. And so on and so forth...So bottom line, I end up being the asshole. Reality doesn't seem to matter when it doesn't conform to his delusions.
