Can't Drive

[lightning05]

Once again I can't get behind the wheel of my car because if I do I am going to crash. Today I am at complete rock bottom and I just want to fucking die. I am so sick of living and feeling like this. Idk how much longer I can keep on living this empty existence day in and day out. Waking up is painful. Being alive is fucking hell. Why fight to live to feel like this everyday? I mean seriously who cares we're all going to die one day anyway.

I told a classmate I would go to a fundraiser with her but she lives 40 mins away all highway driving. I know today if I drive I will crash. I can see it happening already. I feel guilty that I told her I would come but I can't say "sorry, can't make it today because I am extremely suicidal and will probably kill myself on the way to your house". So I have to lie to her which sucks and she will be so disappointed.

I don't want to grow old, I don't want a family, I don't want kids. Life is not for me. I have nothing to live for except looking forward to death.

 

[na-taya]

Oh beautiful lady if only I had more words for you right now....but I am struggling also.......I just wanted you to know that I hear you, I hear you loud and clear. Please I know it's hard, but try and take care xxx

 

[SinisterKid]

Why do you think you are going to crash? Is it linked to your emotional state, or is it something else?

Seriously, who cares? I would think you knew the answer to that one by know. The whole of SF cares. I know that wont pay the bills or make you better or even give you much hope, but there people who care about you and would prefer a world with lightning in it. We know you are hurting right now, we know its the illness talking as well. We all have times like these where just nothing, not one fucking thing will go right. If you believe in variance, then you will know that just as quickly as things can turn bad, they can become good again.

You have a classmate there who obviously cares and you obviously care about them. You can get there to support her/him, but you need to start thinking rationally. Can you take any alternative transport to get there?

 

[Petal]

I have nothing to live for except looking forward to death

Find something to look forward to, a concert or even a night out, just something to keep you interested in life and excited. I an sorry you are feeling the way you do. You are a smart person, reach out and find thinngs on in your area to keep your interest, just know we are here and we do care. ((hugs))

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

Hugs. Can you get a ride with someone else? I hope you feel a bit better soon.

 

[moxman]

Hey girly, me again =)

I hate to that you are having such a rough time.

When I was in the mental hospital , the first question I was asked by the doctor was "How did you sleep?" I know you have been battling insomnia for the past couple of weeks. I feel that is taking a huge toll on you both emotionally and physically. Have you tried anything OTC, sleeping aids? I really feel like you need to call your psychiatrist and tell them it is an emergency and you need to be seen by someone ASAP. Maybe see your primary care doctor and make it clear that you want a sleep aid that is non-habit forming. I am very worried for you, because I totally believe this miserable world is just a tad bit better with you in it.

I also know that work environment you are in, is having a negative impact on you as well. But you are almost done with it. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel and then you never have to go back to that dreadful place again. Then you will finish your education and get your degree and that is going to open up a lot of doors for you and give you a lot more freedom. Then maybe you can move out of your parents house into your own place. You can do this girl I have faith in you.

I think you need to force yourself to go for a long run, that will help you tremendously. I know you don't want to do it because you feel like crap. But can you give it a try anyways?

Take Care My Friend

 

[lightning05]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I did not go, I told her that I wasn't feeling well and we are going to do another small fundraiser thing tomorrow that I won't back out of. @SinisterKid I was going to act on my thoughts today if I ended up behind the wheel at a high speed. And as @moxman said, I haven't been sleeping well at all. I bought some 5mg melatonin today and I took one about an hour ago. I am going to take this all week at the same time and see if it will help me get to a normal sleep pattern.

The therapist and I are working on getting my a psychiatric appointment sooner than 9/12 since the suicidal ideation has become unbearable. I am having thoughts all day long and every day now. The lack of sleep and loneliness doesn't help a damn bit. The job is annoying. So much drama, so many people there who are just miserable and try to drag me into the misery but I don't let them. Whenever someone tries to talk to me about someone else I just say "I am here for work not drama." It has made some of them annoyed but I am not going to stoop to their level and be a shit talker or shit starter. If everything goes well and I can stay alive I will only have 4 months left there, maybe less.

I went for a run this morning that unfortunately did not help my mood. It usually does but I came back feeling worse than ever. That usually doesn't happen. @Petal I have plans to go to a concert on Friday, another next Friday (I won tickets to that) and a play next Saturday. Unfortunately I am doing all of these things alone because literally no one wants to go with me (even with the free tickets). It's so sad and discouraging but these are things I really want to do and I can't let them go by knowing I could have gone even if it has to be alone. I am looking forward to these events yet I am dreading them at the same time. Being there alone, seeing other people with actual friends able to share and make memories, it makes me so sad. Is this what my life is going to be like? Going to concerts and shows alone because no one else wants to be with me?

I really do want to kill myself. I have been thinking about it constantly and how much better everything would be. When I got into my motorcycle accident I blacked out for a while and I remember coming to and wondering where I had gone. I also remember how wonderful it was to be blacked out, to feel nothing and be nothing. That's what I want so badly. To just not exist and just be nothing. Being unconscious for however long it was is so much better than living and feeling this unbearable emotional pain day in and day out. I guess the best I can hope for right now is some freak accident.

 

[lightning05]

I have also lost contact with pretty much everyone. I guess I should clarify above that I haven't asked anyone to go because I know that they will either ignore me or say no. The only 2 people who would actually do something are unavailable - one has a family event and the other is out of the country. I have not reached out to any "friends" in weeks and - shocker! - none of them have reached out to me. I don't have the strength to deal with rejection anymore which is why I have stopped reaching out to people. Why keep putting yourself out there to be shot down repeatedly? I am being killed and crushed by isolation and loneliness and it isn't even of my own doing. Pretty fucking pathetic.

 

[SinisterKid]

Empathy with the friends thing. All mine slowly fell away the longer I was ill. Now I have one left who comes when he can, but he has a life as well. I dont feel as lonely since I found SF though. Something we did in groups was about assuming. Its amazing how we assume things that are usually way off the mark. Its tiresome having to contact people to ask them if they want to do something when nobody bothers to contact you. So many people are just wrapped up in their own little worlds these days to the exclusion of most others.

I remember drifting toward unconsciousness and how that felt and its seductive. Some days I ache to experience that peace again. But it passes as I let go and think of something else. I just work hard at not ruminating. I was just starting to right then, so I quickly start typing again. I keep my mind occupied and forget everything else. I have a olympic replay running but I am paying no attention to it whatsoever, but its background noise that helps me not feel quite as lonely. Now that IS pretty fucking pathetic.

 

[Petal]

Why keep putting yourself out there to be shot down repeatedly?

I actually am in the same boat, if I ever go anywhere it is usually with my mom. No one wants much to do with me. Go to the events alone, GO have a good time by yourself f#ck what other are doing, go and enjoy yourself, you owe that to yourself!! I am glad though that you do have people you could ask, that's better than nothing and 2 that you think might go but are unavailable, at least you can keep that in mind when planning future events that you can ask them.

I feel for you a lot. Lonlineless is a bitch and can be helped, maybe you might even make new friends at the events, who knows!!

 

[lightning05]

@SinisterKid I am not making assumptioms, these people genuinely don't want to do anything. You can only try so much before you start looking like a desperate fool so that's why I've stopped. The Olympics and books have been my only friends this week. Since I can't sleep well (woke up 3- 4 times last night and an hour before my alarm after finally falling asleep an hour after I should have been in bed) makes wanting to die or be unconscious even stronger.

I am just existing at this point. I hope something will come along and put me out of my misery because I am truly dead inside.