Once again I can't get behind the wheel of my car because if I do I am going to crash. Today I am at complete rock bottom and I just want to fucking die. I am so sick of living and feeling like this. Idk how much longer I can keep on living this empty existence day in and day out. Waking up is painful. Being alive is fucking hell. Why fight to live to feel like this everyday? I mean seriously who cares we're all going to die one day anyway. I told a classmate I would go to a fundraiser with her but she lives 40 mins away all highway driving. I know today if I drive I will crash. I can see it happening already. I feel guilty that I told her I would come but I can't say "sorry, can't make it today because I am extremely suicidal and will probably kill myself on the way to your house". So I have to lie to her which sucks and she will be so disappointed. I don't want to grow old, I don't want a family, I don't want kids. Life is not for me. I have nothing to live for except looking forward to death.