I had to pause to rinse out a bunch of tie dye at the laundromat. Fingers crossed for the results.
Okay so...
My father was narcissistic borderline personality disorder. My mother turned out to be nearly certifiably unintelligent with a vicious penchant for being the pathetic victim. Thereby victimizing her daughters but still claiming the starring role.
I had a horrible relationship with the father of my older 2 children which furthered my trauma and psychological /emotional issues, and kept me thinking my problems were circumstantial. I can see now, looking back, where my symptoms took over. There was a period where I slept and my newly 3 year old took care of her 1.5 year old brother.
I felt so bad about that neglect, then I was a single mother working 12 hour overnights and pretending I could spend the day with the kids, still depressed and unable to see how I'd ever find a way to survive as a single mother that wasn't shit.
And then I met back up with my husband (we knew each other in high school) who helped me be the healthiest I've ever been. And, without dire circumstances, only my disorder was left. I had time to spend with the kids. Kids who desperately needed me to be my best. And I suddenly saw what my father had felt. Plunged into parenthood, multiple kids quickly, mad irritation, resentment that the kids thanklessly eat resources, resentment that I can't just do what I want, resentment of obligation - basically the nasty bpd anger and irritability latching onto my kids. And I felt So Awful. But
where my father acted as though his feelings were valid and we deserved whatever response he saw fit, I would see my irritation as an isolated and unprovoked thing and try to squash it.
I've yelled. I've lectured. I've blamed. I admit it. I. Admit it. I've apologized.
That's something my father never did.
I came through a phase of yelling. I came through a phase of partial neglect while I slept. I even left my kids with relatives for three weeks once. That was when we discovered, whether or not it's shitty, my kids and I are lost without each other.
When I first saw what my father must have felt I left my house and cried until I couldn't breathe. I can't imagine just humoring those feelings.
My responses to normal kid behaviors and marital conflicts aren't always appropriate, but that's where my husband comes in. We're super honest with the kids and tell them my brain is broken because of how I was treated, and remind them how important your behavior towards others is. I apologize. When they see my husband and I fight, they always see the resolution. They see me take responsibility. They see how my husband handles my breakdowns and, unlike my mother, they see him shield them from my moods.
I'm not exactly a hero, but I'm aware. Sometimes more than others. Thank you if you read all this. Share your story, share in moments of cycle breaking-victories and learning points. It helps to know you're not doing it alone, especially if you don't have good parents to ask for advice
