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Cycle Breakers

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Sevven

Well-Known Member
#1
I was reading a post by @Clockwork Flowers and a response by @Aprilflowers7 and thought maybe some of us could benefit from a thread on living differently than our parents, even if we notice similarities between our thinking or emotions.
First of all I really want to share this:
http://www.scarymommy.com/those-who-break-cycle-of-abuse/
Maybe I'll just leave it at that for now? Take the time, read the article and please share your thoughts. It's scary to know your abuser helped shape who you are as a human, but honesty and communication with our invisible brothers at arms are invaluable!
 

Aurelia

Weightless, endless, faithless, I'll adore you.
#3
Part of me is afraid to have a kid, to be honest, for this very reason. The truth is that I do have some qualities I've adopted from my mother, but it's a whole different ball game when a kid is involved. The last thing I want to do is to make them wonder why their psychotic mother decided she was capable enough to raise a human life, as I have wondered before many a time.
 

Sevven

Well-Known Member
#5
I guess you can't upload images in this section. ..? Here's the quote I was going to paste:
"Once you bring life into this world, you must protect it. We must protect it by changing the world."
-Elie Wiesel
 

Aurelia

Weightless, endless, faithless, I'll adore you.
#6
I guess you can't upload images in this section. ..? Here's the quote I was going to paste:
"Once you bring life into this world, you must protect it. We must protect it by changing the world."
-Elie Wiesel
That's the thing though, I can't change the world. I have a hard enough time changing myself, let alone everyone and everything else.

And yeah, probably because it's the rape section. They probably wanted to make sure no one triggered anyone.
 

Sevven

Well-Known Member
#7
That's the thing though, I can't change the world. I have a hard enough time changing myself, let alone everyone and everything else.

And yeah, probably because it's the rape section. They probably wanted to make sure no one triggered anyone.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." But it has to be a group effort, and the group is always too small. You can only change your own world. Which is why I live in a bus. I've taken to saying, "All the world 's problems could be solved by good parenting."
 

Sevven

Well-Known Member
#8
I don't talk about it. This thread was as close as I've come and I didn'tcommit . I just feel like my depressive/psychotic behaviors aren't "allowed" as someone's mother. I'm trying to let that guilt go. It's past part of breaking the cycle.
My kids are nearly 3, 6.5 and 22days from being 8. We homeschool. We live in a bus. I'm with them constantly in a small space. And I have no example of what To do.
To be continued...
 

gypsylee

SF Supporter
#9
Hey @Sevven

I hope you’re ok.

I read the article and I like to think I’m one of those parents. I just have the one 16yo daughter.. I try to be as unconditionally supportive as I can because I never had that and her father doesn’t give her that (we’re divorced). It sounds like I’m joking but I just do the opposite of my mother basically..

Gypsy x
 

Sevven

Well-Known Member
#10
I had to pause to rinse out a bunch of tie dye at the laundromat. Fingers crossed for the results.
Okay so...
My father was narcissistic borderline personality disorder. My mother turned out to be nearly certifiably unintelligent with a vicious penchant for being the pathetic victim. Thereby victimizing her daughters but still claiming the starring role.
I had a horrible relationship with the father of my older 2 children which furthered my trauma and psychological /emotional issues, and kept me thinking my problems were circumstantial. I can see now, looking back, where my symptoms took over. There was a period where I slept and my newly 3 year old took care of her 1.5 year old brother.
I felt so bad about that neglect, then I was a single mother working 12 hour overnights and pretending I could spend the day with the kids, still depressed and unable to see how I'd ever find a way to survive as a single mother that wasn't shit.
And then I met back up with my husband (we knew each other in high school) who helped me be the healthiest I've ever been. And, without dire circumstances, only my disorder was left. I had time to spend with the kids. Kids who desperately needed me to be my best. And I suddenly saw what my father had felt. Plunged into parenthood, multiple kids quickly, mad irritation, resentment that the kids thanklessly eat resources, resentment that I can't just do what I want, resentment of obligation - basically the nasty bpd anger and irritability latching onto my kids. And I felt So Awful. But
where my father acted as though his feelings were valid and we deserved whatever response he saw fit, I would see my irritation as an isolated and unprovoked thing and try to squash it.
I've yelled. I've lectured. I've blamed. I admit it. I. Admit it. I've apologized.
That's something my father never did.
I came through a phase of yelling. I came through a phase of partial neglect while I slept. I even left my kids with relatives for three weeks once. That was when we discovered, whether or not it's shitty, my kids and I are lost without each other.
When I first saw what my father must have felt I left my house and cried until I couldn't breathe. I can't imagine just humoring those feelings.
My responses to normal kid behaviors and marital conflicts aren't always appropriate, but that's where my husband comes in. We're super honest with the kids and tell them my brain is broken because of how I was treated, and remind them how important your behavior towards others is. I apologize. When they see my husband and I fight, they always see the resolution. They see me take responsibility. They see how my husband handles my breakdowns and, unlike my mother, they see him shield them from my moods.
I'm not exactly a hero, but I'm aware. Sometimes more than others. Thank you if you read all this. Share your story, share in moments of cycle breaking-victories and learning points. It helps to know you're not doing it alone, especially if you don't have good parents to ask for advice
 
#11
I was reading a post by @Clockwork Flowers and a response by @Aprilflowers7 and thought maybe some of us could benefit from a thread on living differently than our parents, even if we notice similarities between our thinking or emotions.
First of all I really want to share this:
http://www.scarymommy.com/those-who-break-cycle-of-abuse/
Maybe I'll just leave it at that for now? Take the time, read the article and please share your thoughts. It's scary to know your abuser helped shape who you are as a human, but honesty and communication with our invisible brothers at arms are invaluable!
Dear Sevven I am desperately crying. I haven’t and can’t and won’t read any answers to your posts but I believe I had a phone booth with my children .. but perhaps I just didn’t believe in superwoman strongly enough or perhaps phone booths were only for supermen. I screwed up hugely with my kids. I came from an abusive childhood that was hidden because my family were so well respected locally. I moved to an abusive relationship where I was told “ you’ve made your bed .....”. I proceeded through live with absolutely no self respect and picked up wasters like sweets. I so relate to your post it cuts my heart. But a huge thank you for posting xxx
 

Sevven

Well-Known Member
#12
Dear Sevven I am desperately crying. I haven’t and can’t and won’t read any answers to your posts but I believe I had a phone booth with my children .. but perhaps I just didn’t believe in superwoman strongly enough or perhaps phone booths were only for supermen. I screwed up hugely with my kids. I came from an abusive childhood that was hidden because my family were so well respected locally. I moved to an abusive relationship where I was told “ you’ve made your bed .....”. I proceeded through live with absolutely no self respect and picked up wasters like sweets. I so relate to your post it cuts my heart. But a huge thank you for posting xxx
You know what kills me about this? Those bullet points you shared are pretty much identical to mine, but it was "well known in the church." But as far as I know we're from different generations. In my motherms generation it came more common but still frowned upon to divorce. My grandmother got married because of a date rape pregnancy that ended in miscarriage but she was expected to stay married.
It's a different world now. But know this, phone booths are assuredly for mothers too.
 
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