Dealing With Anger and Tolerance

[Here Then Gone]

Sorry this got wordy.
I don't have a solution, just a thought or two on this. Part of being a human is the experience of mentally noting body's purpose of staying alive. I'm sorry your family has let you down. I know a bit about that unfortunately. We, I meana our nervous systems, brains, bodies ... aren't by nature satisfied with loneliness - it generates fearand it is perceived as a threat. I mean, underneath the emotion which cloaks it, loneliness is a signal which means we need others to be safer.

I agree that there's no proof of humans having a valid reason for being here. It's a thought loop I can find myself on at times. But, that thought process is not going to gain us any positive ground as far as mental health goes, so it is a moot point if we'd like to be less distressed. Sometimes it's useful to play a small mental trick of reminding myself how the earth might have been for all the millenia prior to humans' overpopulation.

I appreciate what @JanisSPK has said above. Some of our misery can be abated by coming at the problem logically; it's gradually creating a new pattern of behaviour for oneself which brings about a few things: less boredom, less lonelisness and a more normal balance. It might be different for you, but for me it is: finding the right sights, smells, sounds and mild physical exertion. It's not some sort of socially approved achievement - its bringing back into one's body and mind what is lacking due to this screwed up so called society and modern life.

For me, I've narrowed it down to different sections of the brain are constantly at war with one another, and they each have their own reasons. There's the survival part of the brain, that just wants to keep living no matter what. There's the logical part of the brain, which wants what's logically beneficial. There's the emotional attachment part of the brain, which involves feelings including pain and attachment to others. Then the great scorekeeper, the thing I value more than even my own life; The truth. The thing is, objective truth can be a tricky thing to pinpoint, and each section of the brain that I described each has their own 'tricks' to convince the judge and jury that their story is the truth to present to the court. A Perry Mason court room right in my own head! I hope that makes sense.

I'm in deciding mode right now. Constantly going back and forth between the truth being it's better to not be alive, and the truth being you should stay alive for some purpose. And right now, it's better to not be alive is winning.

 

[Windhover]

I understand. It could be described as much the same in my mind. Not completely though, becuase I'm still connected on all those levels to my work. I wish you the best. I hold no judgement about suicide but for the deep sadness of missed opportunity which can't be known ahead of time.

I hope you stick around @Here Then Gone. Sf can be a good place.

 

[Here Then Gone]

Thank you, Seabird. You and others replying to my thread empathetically make my day.

 

[Here Then Gone]

I hate reoccurring nightmares, especially ones that involve hurtful situations about my family or a suicide method.

It's been a rough year with many losses, and the year isn't over yet with pending situations that will still need to be dealt with. I've been smoking more cigarettes but trying not to be too hard on myself if it temporarily stops me from acting on suicide. I don't do my bad habits around others or throw my cig butt out the window. The other day I saw all the spent cigs in the street its terrible people don't care.

I will try and be a good soldier for now and I hope can cope well through the next 3 or 4 days at work. My sister will need me in a couple weeks when she likely will be denied another kidney transplant for life because her health isn't good enough to have the surgery. I don't know what will happen yet or how to deal with it when it does.

 

[Here Then Gone]

I'm not doing well today. Someone ripped me off at work when I loaned them some money to help them out. This person is also a disgusting individual at work, making fun of other people constantly and perverted sexual talk making me very uncomfortable. I feel I will have to talk to the manager this week about this person, causing yet another confrontation in the workplace that I don't need right now. Losing this job or dealing with constant grief from it will be the final nail in the coffin for me.

I've been through many times like this before; Usually cope, breakpoint, feel a little better, repeat. But I don't see a way out of it this time. I don't even have the strength to make a will right now, but I do have constant thoughts of and strength to carry out another attempt. There's just too much bad in the world, too many people don't care and use and abuse others like the person I described above. They do so much damage.

I've had thoughts of death since I was 15. I'm surrounded in a world by those fighting to live who tell me I'm wrong, that I'm the sick one. But I think they have it reversed, I think they're afraid and in denial about a lot. I can't understand why anyone would actually want to live here. Sure, death is scary for anyone, but what drives that feeling away is knowing life is a lot scarier. To quote the doors, "When you die the pain is over." What a terrible situation for anyone to go through.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry things are so bad.

There's just too much bad in the world

I wonder if the news is part of what's getting to you. Disconnecting from it might be helpful if that's the case.