Depressed about visiting family for funeral.

[UrbanRose]

I'm sorry to learn of your Brother's predicament, and his circumstances. It sounds like he was a very tough, man. To not have known just how much it was he was suffering, or how (with the chemical dependency), that must have been quite the shock to the system, once you'd found out. And it was already to late (to do anything about it, or to help - which, I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted you to be involved, worried, or troubled by his issues).

I, myself, had that problem of loneliness & isolation both leading up to and then away from again my prominent grief, or grieving period (the moment of). I did not leave the house much for the next year after the fact. Just got every thing sent to me. It was not helpful having no one to turn to, to share in this pain. Other than others' sympathy. I basically just tortured myself. I'd recommend, you try to do whatever you can that is within your realm of power to try to change such an outcome or Fate, and you do sound like you've got a lot more going for you with some of the momentum you've built & stored up, just prior to all of this.

Yes, I think I know what you mean by treating them as both separate & unique-cases; that then sort of bleed, or blend into one anotehr. I'd already had the depression. Then the loss. Added (or plus / & on top of ~then*) the grief, or the feeling so vacant. So it all just compounded on everything then. For quite a long while, I guess. As I said, about a year of being darn near - I can't think of the word?

But non-functioning, then. And then another six month s of rehab, for lack of a better to mend myself. The end of which, I believe kind of led to me showing up here again in the fall (last) with somewhat of an arsenal of communication at my disposal.

So, anyway? That was my story, then--hope it wasn't too self centured! Take care, good luck & best wishes. Maybe you can call your sisters today, if it isn't a travel day, too late, or you don't feel you'd be able to steer the conversation away from the cliff, or the danger zone/area, of feeling vulnerable & having them, then look down upon you & cast (such) judgement (upon).

Thank you for telling me about your experience. It's hard to explain what this feels like, but I think you understand, which means a lot to me.

I think he didn't want me to see how he was living. His neighbor told me he was doing a lot of drugs.

Ten years ago, a lawyer representing my brother told me he would come to a bad end. This was sort of foreseeable, but it's still awful hard for me to realize that his final departure is absolutely final. I always nurtured a little flame of hope that he and I might be friendly again. I thought of him every single day.

I am grateful for all the replies above. It's hard to be so alone right now.

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you for telling me about your experience. It's hard to explain what this feels like, but I think you understand, which means a lot to me.

I think he didn't want me to see how he was living. His neighbor told me he was doing a lot of drugs.

Ten years ago, a lawyer representing my brother told me he would come to a bad end. This was sort of foreseeable, but it's still awful hard for me to realize that his final departure is absolutely final. I always nurtured a little flame of hope that he and I might be friendly again. I thought of him every single day.

I am grateful for all the replies above. It's hard to be so alone right now.

Sometimes, it's hard too, for the person under the throes of such addiction--because, it's like... to them, in their mind: they're thinking; "What can they possibly do?" (to help, that is within reason, or reasonably-realistic, I guess~)* so it's a hopeless enterprise, that they don't see a lot of answers out there for. All of this, is just speculation on my behalf, of course. . . I'm sure it's very, very very hard for you right now. And so I hope that everything can go as well as can be expected, with what you have coming up. Good luck!

 

[LonelyHiker]

@UrbanRose

Sincere condolences for your loss 😞

I hope you can reconnect with your family in a positive way. Like the old guy in Home Alone says, ' how you feel about your family is a complicated thing'. I understand your anxiety though. Navigating the psychological ravines and valleys of family relationships is often no easy task.

I wish you strength (and peace).

Follow your heart ❤️

 

[UrbanRose]

Sometimes, it's hard too, for the person under the throes of such addiction--because, it's like... to them, in their mind: they're thinking; "What can they possibly do?" (to help, that is within reason, or reasonably-realistic, I guess~)* so it's a hopeless enterprise, that they don't see a lot of answers out there for. All of this, is just speculation on my behalf, of course. . . I'm sure it's very, very very hard for you right now. And so I hope that everything can go as well as can be expected, with what you have coming up. Good luck!

Thank you. It does feel awful hard right now . . . and unreal. I feel like a piece of me got torn away. Time will help. I know that because my longterm love and companion died 4 years ago. For a while, I didn't want to live, but I did find peace after enough time went by.

Yes, it must have been very hard for my brother. I'm sorry that he suffered as he did. Now he is released from that. I tell myself that it is merciful that he is out of that existence. Yet, the finality of him being gone now is feeling so awful.

 

[UrbanRose]

@UrbanRose

Sincere condolences for your loss 😞

I hope you can reconnect with your family in a positive way. Like the old guy in Home Alone says, ' how you feel about your family is a complicated thing'. I understand your anxiety though. Navigating the psychological ravines and valleys of family relationships is often no easy task.

I wish you strength (and peace).

Follow your heart ❤️

Thank you so much. Yes, among family members, there are so many layers of lived experience. I think my upcoming visit with my sisters and their families will go alright. I don't think they are grieving as hard as I am, and I don't expect that they would be. They have kids and grandkids. I never had children, so my siblings were all the family I had to love. My brother never married and had no children. Over the years, I spent more time with him than they did. He was always moving around from place to place. I would travel to visit him at wherever he moved to. I wanted him to know that he mattered so much to me. He was very hard to maintain a relationship with. Yet, since yesterday, I keep remembering him in his better years. He could be so smart and so funny and so helpful at his best. I know my sisters are thinking of those times too.

 

[UrbanRose]

I don't know what happens to us after death - whether it's complete oblivion or something else. I can't help it that I'm a skeptic and doubter. I envy the faith that some people have, believing in an afterlife where we are reunited with those we've loved. When I'm around someone of strong faith, it kind of rubs off on me. I have faith in their faith. I tell myself that what I don't know I do not need to know. Often I have a sense of feeling the presence of God, yet much about existence stays a mystery to me. I accept that I don't know what I don't know. I'm trying to find a priest to do some prayers and a blessing at the cemetery. I like religious services and find comfort in them. My brother had been an altar boy and a good one, always willing to run over to serve Mass on short notice. I was very proud of him.

 

[Windhover]

I'm glad you posted about finding some comfort in so to speak "contact faith,' and in the religious services of a blessing ceremony. Seems like a good way to give a bit of closure at the cemetary.

Sometimes for me even the sense of mystery can be a sort of comfort.

@UrbanRose Your brother sounds like he had a big heart.

 

[Windhover]

Hopefully that doesn't end up a repeated post. Having some issues with the site.

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you. It does feel awful hard right now . . . and unreal. I feel like a piece of me got torn away. Time will help. I know that because my longterm love and companion died 4 years ago. For a while, I didn't want to live, but I did find peace after enough time went by.

Yes, it must have been very hard for my brother. I'm sorry that he suffered as he did. Now he is released from that. I tell myself that it is merciful that he is out of that existence. Yet, the finality of him being gone now is feeling so awful.

I'm glad that you got to have that special relationship with him, where you shared some things in common, and in turn, like-wise bonded. It sounds like you both got along well, and that he was very happy to have you as his Sister in his life. Because you were so good to him, and that you'd cared (so much). As I said before, quite the gut-punch, to say the least. Or as if both your heart & now your soul, too has been taken away from, or stolen from you. So I hope you find a way to heal from this, and be at peace with it. And try to grow forward as best you can in his absence, or without him. And that's a unique & very good way, too - I think - of looking at it... from his perspective, there. In terms of--he is now, no longer suffering & has been released from all of this pain, and everything else that that entails. . . I bet there's some sincere truth in it, and that even he, would probably agree with you @UrbanRose . Take Care, Mrb.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm glad you posted about finding some comfort in so to speak "contact faith,' and in the religious services of a blessing ceremony. Seems like a good way to give a bit of closure at the cemetary.

Sometimes for me even the sense of mystery can be a sort of comfort.

@UrbanRose Your brother sounds like he had a big heart.

At his best, my brother could be very good. Much of the time, as he got older, he was in the grip of distorted thinking that made him angry toward everyone. His life became lonely. I wish he could have gone in a better direction.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm glad that you got to have that special relationship with him, where you shared some things in common, and in turn, like-wise bonded. It sounds like you both got along well, and that he was very happy to have you as his Sister in his life. Because you were so good to him, and that you'd cared (so much). As I said before, quite the gut-punch, to say the least. Or as if both your heart & now your soul, too has been taken away from, or stolen from you. So I hope you find a way to heal from this, and be at peace with it. And try to grow forward as best you can in his absence, or without him. And that's a unique & very good way, too - I think - of looking at it... from his perspective, there. In terms of--he is now, no longer suffering & has been released from all of this pain, and everything else that that entails. . . I bet there's some sincere truth in it, and that even he, would probably agree with you @UrbanRose . Take Care, Mrb.

In the end he rejected having anything to do with me. I don't take that personally because I did nothing bad against him. His thinking was very disturbed.

 

[Windhover]

I don't take that personally because I did nothing bad against him. His thinking was very disturbed.

It was very much the same for me and my brother. There were times he was outgoing, creative and an amazing friend, others when it wasn't safe to be in the house with him. I'm very sorry you also had this experience with your brother.

 

[MisterBGone]

In the end he rejected having anything to do with me. I don't take that personally because I did nothing bad against him. His thinking was very disturbed.

I'm terribly sorry... Just- so, very very sorry~! I think that, and I have no idea if this is anything how or what it was like when it went down (& when it was all transpiring). But not having ever been a user of any substance, certainly none as strong as that one, but from what I can gather. It's not uncommon for them to withdraw from everybody/or everyone. Regardless, of. . . & this extends of course to: those who they are closest to. Also exacerbated by the fact that--they can - if not, sort of undergo something or somewhat of a, 'change in personality,' which would, or might make sense, given what's going on inside their brain/chemistry & etc... but also, that-then; they begin to exhibit, or display a different pattern of behavior, and drastically or radically different outlook altogether on life. I'm sure that, they too, are well aware of all that is going on & wrong with them. And so that too, must be very difficult & excruciating to grapple with, and to come to grips with. In fact, I'm certain that many of them often don't. And so you get this recoil, or this resistance from or to Life*~> _then. And with that, can leave out, almost any meaningful opportunity for change (in the positive direction) or hope for recovery. Say nothing of the dependency (chemical) portion of it. . . In short - I'm glad that you're not taking this, or any of it personally. For it may be having something a lot more to do with what was going on in him, and on the inside of, in terms of those/or these, "Changes" that were happening & occurring... such that: he was unable to address them, and (to) get ahold of them. In order to be able to better control, both himself; & then all that which was happening outside & around (him). As well as manage & maintain, then--those relationships that were most important to him, and that he'd cherished the most & with the greatest of importance. So even if he was angry, or had cut you off completely from things in the end. I still feel that somewhere deep inside of him, and in his heart, he still remained & was able to remember you for the good sister that you were. Whether he realized it at all times, consciously, or not.

 

[UrbanRose]

Well, my brother is buried. The committal ceremony at the veterans' cemetery was well done. I'm deeply grateful for that. I was able to find a priest who joined us there to lead prayers and give a blessing. That was a great comfort to me. It was an overcast, gray day.

I was kind of weepy just a few minutes ago. I was looking at lots of photos yesterday of my brother, all the way back to when he was a baby. Pictures of my parents as a young couple with us as little kids. I'm mourning the loss of those in my family who've gone before. I miss them so much. I want to go back to the past, but I can't. That can't be done.

I feel like I want to die to escape loneliness and grief. Sometimes I think suicide might be better than the aloneness I see ahead of me. I know it's my responsibility to make more of my life.

 

[Windhover]

Sending care and understanding @UrbanRose . I hope there's a sense of completion to how you arranged for the priest to be there, which can be your memories of comfort at that ceremony.

Grieving is such a lonely journey. I'm glad you have posted this update, as well as how you are feeling. It is good, even though it doesn't feel nice, to write. We're here with you. Please give yourself extra self care and love.

I hope, if you want, that you can talk to a counselor and get involved in a grief support group.

 

[UrbanRose]

The posts above have been comforting to read. Thank you all for being so compassionate.

 

[UrbanRose]

I'm sorry to learn of your Brother's predicament, and his circumstances. It sounds like he was a very tough, man. To not have known just how much it was he was suffering, or how (with the chemical dependency), that must have been quite the shock to the system, once you'd found out. And it was already to late (to do anything about it, or to help - which, I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted you to be involved, worried, or troubled by his issues).

I, myself, had that problem of loneliness & isolation both leading up to and then away from again my prominent grief, or grieving period (the moment of). I did not leave the house much for the next year after the fact. Just got every thing sent to me. It was not helpful having no one to turn to, to share in this pain. Other than others' sympathy. I basically just tortured myself. I'd recommend, you try to do whatever you can that is within your realm of power to try to change such an outcome or Fate, and you do sound like you've got a lot more going for you with some of the momentum you've built & stored up, just prior to all of this.

Yes, I think I know what you mean by treating them as both separate & unique-cases; that then sort of bleed, or blend into one anotehr. I'd already had the depression. Then the loss. Added (or plus / & on top of ~then*) the grief, or the feeling so vacant. So it all just compounded on everything then. For quite a long while, I guess. As I said, about a year of being darn near - I can't think of the word?

But non-functioning, then. And then another six month s of rehab, for lack of a better to mend myself. The end of which, I believe kind of led to me showing up here again in the fall (last) with somewhat of an arsenal of communication at my disposal.

So, anyway? That was my story, then--hope it wasn't too self centured! Take care, good luck & best wishes. Maybe you can call your sisters today, if it isn't a travel day, too late, or you don't feel you'd be able to steer the conversation away from the cliff, or the danger zone/area, of feeling vulnerable & having them, then look down upon you & cast (such) judgement (upon).

I'm sorry you went through such a tough time. It does allow you to understand the pain of this kind of loss. Thank you for understanding so well.

My visit ended. Right now I'm flying back home. The visit went okay. I'll be glad to get back home. I feel kind of lonely.

 

[MisterBGone]

I'm sorry you went through such a tough time. It does allow you to understand the pain of this kind of loss. Thank you for understanding so well.

My visit ended. Right now I'm flying back home. The visit went okay. I'll be glad to get back home. I feel kind of lonely.

Thank you for kind, considerate, and thoughtful of me & mine... when clearly you are in the midst of your own struggles. And so prominently so~ // I'm so glad, and relieved - quite honestly - (to hear) that it didn't go horribly, or very badly with your family while you were there. I think you did a great, and noble thing by honoring him. And I don't know if I'm going to choose the right words here: but by, or in paying him tribute; by all that you did, to arrange for everything. And with such care. To show, and to demonstrate your love towards him through your actions & your gestures in this excruciating time. I hate to use that word, but I'm having trouble coming up with any better. . . I don't know that I'd be able to get through the loss of my Sister, who is my only sibling. We were both adopted from another country, and have, success-wise--well perhaps I should speak for myself. But faired far worse than our folks both did. Anyway... My whole-point in being, that I don't know that I'd have managed to make it to, let alone, through a ceremony such as this. As even though we have our major league quarrels (we are both about as different as you can imagine, in every imaginable way - we're also not biological siblings) we still do through it all, love one another both very much. I think she could be closer to your Brother as well, by the sounds of things. But that is only an (un?) educated, "Guess!" At best~* /// So, all of this to say, that I only applaud you, for all you've done and accomplished with your great grand & extraordinary efforts. I just think it's quite impressive, is all... (I wouldn't know the first thing to do?) Anyway, we're all here for you, @UrbanRose ~so, whatever you need* Just say so &/or let us know! Okay? All right, alright then (which ever it is... my mom began as an english teacher, hilariously enough!). ha^ -mrb.

 

[UrbanRose]

Thank you for kind, considerate, and thoughtful of me & mine... when clearly you are in the midst of your own struggles. And so prominently so~ // I'm so glad, and relieved - quite honestly - (to hear) that it didn't go horribly, or very badly with your family while you were there. I think you did a great, and noble thing by honoring him. And I don't know if I'm going to choose the right words here: but by, or in paying him tribute; by all that you did, to arrange for everything. And with such care. To show, and to demonstrate your love towards him through your actions & your gestures in this excruciating time. I hate to use that word, but I'm having trouble coming up with any better. . . I don't know that I'd be able to get through the loss of my Sister, who is my only sibling. We were both adopted from another country, and have, success-wise--well perhaps I should speak for myself. But faired far worse than our folks both did. Anyway... My whole-point in being, that I don't know that I'd have managed to make it to, let alone, through a ceremony such as this. As even though we have our major league quarrels (we are both about as different as you can imagine, in every imaginable way - we're also not biological siblings) we still do through it all, love one another both very much. I think she could be closer to your Brother as well, by the sounds of things. But that is only an (un?) educated, "Guess!" At best~* /// So, all of this to say, that I only applaud you, for all you've done and accomplished with your great grand & extraordinary efforts. I just think it's quite impressive, is all... (I wouldn't know the first thing to do?) Anyway, we're all here for you, @UrbanRose ~so, whatever you need* Just say so &/or let us know! Okay? All right, alright then (which ever it is... my mom began as an english teacher, hilariously enough!). ha^ -mrb.

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. To think that anyone is "here" for me touches my heart.

I have no children. Also, the man I was with for over 30 years passed away in 2020. I believe that is why the loss of my brother has been harder for me than for my sisters. At the cemetery, I hid my tears and kept my sobs inaudible. No one else was tearing up, either there or when we were together before or after. I mourned for him, and I grieved for what he went through. My sisters have their sons and daughters.

I thought I'ld visit with them for a few weeks. Instead, I left after 11 days. No one encouraged me to stay. At one home, my brother-in-law and adult nephew were rather unfriendly. That added to my upset. I only stayed at that home 4 nights.

Now I'm back home, far from where they live. It will probably be a couple of years before I visit again. Since they see me so seldom, I thought they would like me to stay a bit longer. Foolish me.

It's hurtful. The kind words posted here I appreciate very much.

 

[MisterBGone]

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. To think that anyone is "here" for me touches my heart.

I have no children. Also, the man I was with for over 30 years passed away in 2020. I believe that is why the loss of my brother has been harder for me than for my sisters. At the cemetery, I hid my tears and kept my sobs inaudible. No one else was tearing up, either there or when we were together before or after. I mourned for him, and I grieved for what he went through. My sisters have their sons and daughters.

I thought I'ld visit with them for a few weeks. Instead, I left after 11 days. No one encouraged me to stay. At one home, my brother-in-law and adult nephew were rather unfriendly. That added to my upset. I only stayed at that home 4 nights.

Now I'm back home, far from where they live. It will probably be a couple of years before I visit again. Since they see me so seldom, I thought they would like me to stay a bit longer. Foolish me.

It's hurtful. The kind words posted here I appreciate very much.

It sounds to me like, they left a lot--to be... desired~ *when it comes to how much compassion, and so on, that they could have shown you. Knowing how much you were hurting, just how profoundly. You'd like to think that they'd be able to share some of that, or something from which they'd held within their own hearts, and passed it onto you. Even if they didn't feel quite the same as you. Your situation (the uniqueness of it) should have been palpable from all sides. Or so I'd presume, & I'd imagine.

You'd like to think if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were in their position, and any one of them in yours. That things would be different. And you'd show them this level of love, support and care. I do, too... When I think of somewhat similar analogous situations, or scenarios. I'd be different (than them) wouldn't I? I'd have to think so. I'd have to think that I would...

That you really felt the cold shoulder in the one house from the other two, is like icing on the cake, in a way. . . How isolating; & alienating, ultimately. You feel like you've done something wrong, or are somehow overstaying your welcome. Sorry for inconveniencing you, I'm dealing with this great difficulty too.

The way in which you describe the pain, of the experience as well at the funeral. Is just so very difficult to comprehend, or imagine (having to go through). I think you did an admirable job, and I commend you. I think that if he could see you, or somehow know how or in which/what way, that you behaved. To show your affection of him. And how profound his impact was on you, and your life. That he'd be proud.

One way, or another. You did a great job with all things in honoring his memory and persevering through the rest of the family members. Who, by the sounds & accounts of things - could have been better, as well as worse. But mostly (it's the) better, that I am focused on. As that was (what was) well-within their control. Though I do understand that it is sometimes hard, for or to expect, humans to not act human. And with all that their deep flaws can contain, or obtain. Have built within them, I guess. And realized, ultimately, to some certain extent.

It's really tragic to learn/and know, of your long-term, or time, partner's passing. And (from) such a short-time, ago - as well! Oh, the pain you've been through already, and now on the heels of, in terms of entire life span, or life lived thus or such - far. . . It's like, you guys must've been together for the vast majority of your Adult Life? Man that's got to be rough. Just brutal. And no greater example of how life can be (so) UN-Fair~* / I just don't get it sometimes, and it doesn't make sense. There's just no making sense of any of this.

I wish you all the best as you begin to process this. As I've said, I don't think your Brother could have asked, (n)or dreamt for a better or more perfectly fitting tribute, and salute, to him and what he'd represented in this world to you. And to others, (of course) too. . . He'd have to be happy (with You). I know I would be, if my Sister went to such great lengths. I don't know? I probably won't even have a funeral. There's not much to celebrate, believe me!

Take care, & try to have a good evening. :^)