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Depressed about visiting family for funeral.
- Thread starter UrbanRose
- Start date
Today was bad. Never got out of pajamas. I've cried a lot. The crying wasn't over my brother. That's a separate grief. While I was back there visiting, one of my sisters let me know that she hoped I wouldn't be staying too long at her house. That felt bad when I heard it, but now it feels even worse.
Once I knew how she felt, I booked a ticket, soon as I could get one. So I was only at her house 4 days. I'm hurt by her giving me the "bum's rush."
I'm back home now. I had thought I had a pretty good relationship with this sister. Now I feel like a fool. She didn't want me at her house any longer than it took to bury my brother. I feel rejected.
My real problem is coming home to where I have no one. I'm alone.
For days, I've been getting worse and worse depressed. Didn't even get dressed today.
Depression has been bad on and off since Nov. I thought I could turn to my sisters, if it got really bad. I found out I can't. It seems I have no one in my life who I matter to. I feel like I'll just be alone, until I die.
This depression has gone on too long. I need help. There isn't anyone.
I tell myself that this will blow over. But it's gone on too long.
Once I knew how she felt, I booked a ticket, soon as I could get one. So I was only at her house 4 days. I'm hurt by her giving me the "bum's rush."
I'm back home now. I had thought I had a pretty good relationship with this sister. Now I feel like a fool. She didn't want me at her house any longer than it took to bury my brother. I feel rejected.
My real problem is coming home to where I have no one. I'm alone.
For days, I've been getting worse and worse depressed. Didn't even get dressed today.
Depression has been bad on and off since Nov. I thought I could turn to my sisters, if it got really bad. I found out I can't. It seems I have no one in my life who I matter to. I feel like I'll just be alone, until I die.
This depression has gone on too long. I need help. There isn't anyone.
I tell myself that this will blow over. But it's gone on too long.
I'm extremely sorry to hear of this, and to learn of this experience, and this feeling of heartache, and refined or (re) new-ed grief; so to speak @UrbanRose ~It all does sound a bit cold, and heartless to me. And it never feels good, when you feel that you are in one particular standing with someone, or place in their classification of / or hierarchy: but to me--& in my mind (which operates in a funny kind of way..!) I always Still prefer to know or learn the truth, about how someone truly feels about me. Especially or even moreso, when it is wrong. Say my read or interpretation & impression of them (for ex. I'd thought they'd thought more favorably of me - than they actually did). Now, when it is coming from Family, of cours,e you'd hope to not have to go through this. But? It is what it is 9as they always say. . . Everything about your depression & how you've been behaving makes sense and is okay. Not ok, in terms of ...there's nothing you'd want or like to see changed about it. But more--it just only stand s to reason that you would both feel - & behave in this manner and wahy^ when pressed with, or given all things (how Your Sister/s hafve been with you & Etc.)*
Nov.'s a long time. But, also (here again) understandable, given all of the things you've had to deal with and circumstances and such, that have occurred in your life. Tragedies & otherwise. NOw, hopefully you cn find your way out of this & through, though it may take some time and some help. I just don't know as every-one is different. And what works for one, will not necessarily (automatically transfer over &) work for another.
It's hard to find meaning in life. When there is (or there doesn't seem to be) any purpose. Easier said than done, of course. But... I don' tknow what I"m really trying to say - other than - hopefully, or may be that ~once this feeling subsides (somehwat) & you are able to sort of look forwared a littlbe bit with respect to your own life and its goasl & amibtions & everything. Then maybe you can find or set a goal with which you can see yourselve achieving or atttaining? Nothing 9too outlandish of course / but perhpas something you've always wanted but couldn't fine the will to pursue it? Takes some energy, and where with all. And steam built up. Feeling, if not good, then at least of courwe, not quite so bad. . .
Sorry for all of theyt ypos & hmes I gues you can't run a scan and type on h ere at the same time*
that & my distorted fogged out brain, I guess middle of the night or morningn
at war as awlays with tthe m-f'ing neightbors~ / / but I giegfess! (^;
digress. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
Nov.'s a long time. But, also (here again) understandable, given all of the things you've had to deal with and circumstances and such, that have occurred in your life. Tragedies & otherwise. NOw, hopefully you cn find your way out of this & through, though it may take some time and some help. I just don't know as every-one is different. And what works for one, will not necessarily (automatically transfer over &) work for another.
It's hard to find meaning in life. When there is (or there doesn't seem to be) any purpose. Easier said than done, of course. But... I don' tknow what I"m really trying to say - other than - hopefully, or may be that ~once this feeling subsides (somehwat) & you are able to sort of look forwared a littlbe bit with respect to your own life and its goasl & amibtions & everything. Then maybe you can find or set a goal with which you can see yourselve achieving or atttaining? Nothing 9too outlandish of course / but perhpas something you've always wanted but couldn't fine the will to pursue it? Takes some energy, and where with all. And steam built up. Feeling, if not good, then at least of courwe, not quite so bad. . .
Sorry for all of theyt ypos & hmes I gues you can't run a scan and type on h ere at the same time*
that & my distorted fogged out brain, I guess middle of the night or morningn
at war as awlays with tthe m-f'ing neightbors~ / / but I giegfess! (^;
digress. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
I'm sorry you're up in the middle of the night, too... @UrbanRose ~
@MrBGone - yes, I do like to know the truth about how someone feels towards me. Right now I feel unwanted.
My sisters were all I had left. To find out, after just 2 days, that my sister was having "terrible anxiety," worried that she might get stuck with me staying too long at her house was awful to hear.
I know I'm not someone my sister would have chosen for a friend. We happened to get born in the same family. If she needs support herself, I'm not who she would ever call. But I did think my visit last year was welcomed. Evidently, it was tolerated more than welcomed. This year, the nicey nice facade was dropped. Her irritation was made known . . . on our drive home from the cemetery. It was the first time she had me alone. I don't like being alone with her when she is mad about sonething. It's better to have a 3rd party witness. She has said things to me when we've been alone that I don't believe she would have said in front of someone else.
She mailed gifts to me for Christmas and my birthday. I thought they were real tokens of love and esteem. I think she added me to her list of charities after my boyfriend died. I don't want pity presents. I don't need her to be Lady Bountiful dispensing her largess to me and the other local yokels whom she has decided to take pity on.
I really needed some emotional warmth. I want to say something to her. If I did, she'ld just get mad at me.
My sisters were all I had left. To find out, after just 2 days, that my sister was having "terrible anxiety," worried that she might get stuck with me staying too long at her house was awful to hear.
I know I'm not someone my sister would have chosen for a friend. We happened to get born in the same family. If she needs support herself, I'm not who she would ever call. But I did think my visit last year was welcomed. Evidently, it was tolerated more than welcomed. This year, the nicey nice facade was dropped. Her irritation was made known . . . on our drive home from the cemetery. It was the first time she had me alone. I don't like being alone with her when she is mad about sonething. It's better to have a 3rd party witness. She has said things to me when we've been alone that I don't believe she would have said in front of someone else.
She mailed gifts to me for Christmas and my birthday. I thought they were real tokens of love and esteem. I think she added me to her list of charities after my boyfriend died. I don't want pity presents. I don't need her to be Lady Bountiful dispensing her largess to me and the other local yokels whom she has decided to take pity on.
I really needed some emotional warmth. I want to say something to her. If I did, she'ld just get mad at me.
@UrbanRose
I'm sorry about how your family has treated you. And I'm sorry you're feeling alone and isolated. I can relate, as my siblings all live 500 miles away. We care about each other, but we aren't particularly 'close" in terms of calling each other regularly, etc. 99% of my friends live out of state as well. I have one close friend here, but we don't see each other often. The last relationship I was in ended 11 years ago, and the last 'date' was maybe 9 years ago. Most of my socializing happens at work. Other than that, it's my cat. So I can really relate to your situation, and wanted you to know you are not alone.
Always happy to chat if you need someone to talk to ((hugs))
I'm sorry about how your family has treated you. And I'm sorry you're feeling alone and isolated. I can relate, as my siblings all live 500 miles away. We care about each other, but we aren't particularly 'close" in terms of calling each other regularly, etc. 99% of my friends live out of state as well. I have one close friend here, but we don't see each other often. The last relationship I was in ended 11 years ago, and the last 'date' was maybe 9 years ago. Most of my socializing happens at work. Other than that, it's my cat. So I can really relate to your situation, and wanted you to know you are not alone.
Always happy to chat if you need someone to talk to ((hugs))
@UrbanRose
I'm sorry, that's a very hurtful thing for your sister to do
I can understand why you're feeling bad
peace
I'm sorry, that's a very hurtful thing for your sister to do
I can understand why you're feeling bad
peace
I've just reread the posts on this thread, and I thank you all again.
My state of mind is awful low. I've been giving in to feelings of depression. I keep ruminating on the theme of feeling rejected by my sister. That's just keeping me down in the dumpy dumps. I'm not doing anything that I should be doing. I don't care about anything. I haven't gotten dressed today.
My sister still has her husband. When you live with someone you're in love with, any hurts that happen elsewhere become less important. Being in the arms of your spouse or partner is your refuge from all the harshness of the world. I don't have that anymore. I'll never have that again. I had been telling myself that I didn't need to be in love again. I was not looking for another man. I truly believed that I could get enough warmth from other relationships. I thought being with relatives would feel comforting. Instead, it was hurtful. I have nowhere to go and no one to go to for feeling accepted and wanted. Everyone has been through emotional pain, and lots of people have had way worse tragedies than I've ever had. But feeling lonely and unwanted has been something I've had way too much of going back to early childhood. I had social phobia that was rather severe. My family was my refuge. I was quite shy of people outside my immediate family. Now even my family does not care that much for me. That leaves me very little. Yes, I feel very sorry for me. I know that's supposed to be wrong. I just wish there was someone I could call or visit who would be glad of hearing from me. What good is living when no one wants you? At least, I've found some compassion on this thread. It's nice of people here to care.
My state of mind is awful low. I've been giving in to feelings of depression. I keep ruminating on the theme of feeling rejected by my sister. That's just keeping me down in the dumpy dumps. I'm not doing anything that I should be doing. I don't care about anything. I haven't gotten dressed today.
My sister still has her husband. When you live with someone you're in love with, any hurts that happen elsewhere become less important. Being in the arms of your spouse or partner is your refuge from all the harshness of the world. I don't have that anymore. I'll never have that again. I had been telling myself that I didn't need to be in love again. I was not looking for another man. I truly believed that I could get enough warmth from other relationships. I thought being with relatives would feel comforting. Instead, it was hurtful. I have nowhere to go and no one to go to for feeling accepted and wanted. Everyone has been through emotional pain, and lots of people have had way worse tragedies than I've ever had. But feeling lonely and unwanted has been something I've had way too much of going back to early childhood. I had social phobia that was rather severe. My family was my refuge. I was quite shy of people outside my immediate family. Now even my family does not care that much for me. That leaves me very little. Yes, I feel very sorry for me. I know that's supposed to be wrong. I just wish there was someone I could call or visit who would be glad of hearing from me. What good is living when no one wants you? At least, I've found some compassion on this thread. It's nice of people here to care.
We're here to support one another in the dark lonely times. It's good to write on SF in the lighter moments as well. It helps reduce the strength of painful emotions when one realize there are others out there experiencing similar feelings.
If you'd like to PM me @UrbanRose, that's fine too.
If you'd like to PM me @UrbanRose, that's fine too.
oh, i just love when I hit the wrong combo of two keys, highlight everything I'd just typed and erase it (unable to be restored) in one split milli-second... // {take two!} _ You are not a reject. Just because you were rejected by somebody who was careless/thoughtless/tactless; et cetera~less* ^now SELF_Ish? Yes! That may be, or may have been TRUE - w/Her~* (truth is) and truth-fully: I don't know why she was this way? She clearly certainly couldn't read the room. Or read you. Or she could and just disregarded it. As her feelings & concerns, were more important than hers. And on what basis, exactly, were you (the one who was being held) responsible; for all of her mind-numbing, anxities?? Sounds like a joke, or a convenient and fail-safe of a target. To cast blame onto a subjec, t or somenone who is clearly alone, vulnerable, and hurting. Perfect timem or moment then, I'd suspsect. But so anyways! Yes, I think you are right & you are correct in your read and your assess ment on her - or at least close enough (unless/or save, you want to chalk up the callous behavior and unconscious at that , toward s the funeral & your brother's loss & all of that?). . . but Furthermore- it doesn't (even) matter. What she thinks, says or does, in regards you. Her oppinion is not valid. Or moreover, it is worthless. She is your sister, your sibling. And that's it. no creedence or credibility shoudl be lent then, to her feelings on you. They sound warp and they sound jaded and they come across as terribly misguided, and who knows waht their genesis or origin of mkaing was, or is? Who cares! So you did something wrong in the 4th grade, and now she's still harboring some kind of Ill will towards? Makes a lot of sense. Not,
anyway it is clear she chose her minor inconveniences and troubles of or with / for / or by being bothered by your presence, which you have laid out beautifully & articulately perfectly well all that that entails in termso f set-up & backstory. Why it held such great meaning and significance
you're probablly right, even if you've missed your mark and are off or judging too harshly her's or others reactions
let's just theoretically argue in this hypothetical situation:
you are like second fiddle (if that)
maybe & perhaps to them
in term s of
order of importance
or when it comes to some kind of hierarchy
even from a more avg. or normal type of sister relationship familial in that way (siblings)
the pecking order was made clear by her actions
in terms of
how she feels or what she thinks
or whatever else you want to throw in there
they do have less time & emphasis
to place on their sis & their sib,
when they've got families and all others & else
that that entails
so maybe it means (just) as much,
to them -
as it does...
you (his loss).
Let's just argue;
they still don't have the time available to them in their lives & in their day
in order to spend on it, and to pour out their energy
into it (the grief), or him (& his loss) all that's been suffered, and what that entails, or means~
b/c their too busy dealing with the other particulars of a general day
with schedules and whatnot
meanwhile,
we sit & rot.
So just by simple comparison alone.
You can clearly see,
how you're not that far--or way off base, here*
(in my opinion).
anyway it is clear she chose her minor inconveniences and troubles of or with / for / or by being bothered by your presence, which you have laid out beautifully & articulately perfectly well all that that entails in termso f set-up & backstory. Why it held such great meaning and significance
you're probablly right, even if you've missed your mark and are off or judging too harshly her's or others reactions
let's just theoretically argue in this hypothetical situation:
you are like second fiddle (if that)
maybe & perhaps to them
in term s of
order of importance
or when it comes to some kind of hierarchy
even from a more avg. or normal type of sister relationship familial in that way (siblings)
the pecking order was made clear by her actions
in terms of
how she feels or what she thinks
or whatever else you want to throw in there
they do have less time & emphasis
to place on their sis & their sib,
when they've got families and all others & else
that that entails
so maybe it means (just) as much,
to them -
as it does...
you (his loss).
Let's just argue;
they still don't have the time available to them in their lives & in their day
in order to spend on it, and to pour out their energy
into it (the grief), or him (& his loss) all that's been suffered, and what that entails, or means~
b/c their too busy dealing with the other particulars of a general day
with schedules and whatnot
meanwhile,
we sit & rot.
So just by simple comparison alone.
You can clearly see,
how you're not that far--or way off base, here*
(in my opinion).
She kind of sounds like, not a very nice person... (to me) @UrbanRose - or at least one with whom, holds a lot of attributes that I may find admirable. Anyway, she's still your sister--& so I understand why you love her so, and how she can hurt you like this, then.