Depression especially bad today

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ToBeAtPeace, Sep 1, 2016.

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  1. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member


    I felt very, very depressed earlier today. I felt the world is a hideous evil place, and I felt a massive emptiness. It really felt deep down that there was absolutely no point to living. I could have cried if I let myself.

    The worst part of this is I had a relatively good week between the 20th and 28th but this past 3-4 days my mood has been dropping quickly. This has been a pattern for the past few months. If the pattern follows its normal course, the next week is going to be horrendous and I'm really going to struggle to find my way through it.

    I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, but there's little she can do right now. She's started me on Lamotrigine to help stabilise my mood, but if it works, it won't take effect for another few weeks.

    I'm feeling a bit lost and alone right now. My family know about my illness, but there's not much they do to help - except my wife who does pretty much everything to keep the household going. Oh shit, guess what, I've started crying. How much longer am I going to be going through this hell?

    My insurance company has said they're going to pull funding soon because my illness is looking more chronic than acute. I've got a couple of months of cover left, then that's pretty much it.

    Peace and love to you all,
    TBAP x
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you i do but there is hope now that you have started on new medication and crying well that is good too so just let tears come ok
    Your insurance company only covers acute illnesses what if you had diabetes or cancer they would not cover for that mental illness is the same as any illness and they should cover you be it a chronic illness or acute.
    I hope the new meds work soon sometimes they do and that you can get feeling more stabled hang on ok keep talking here it helps at least i found it to help to talk to someone and to be heard.
  3. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member

    Thx for the encorougement Total Eclipse. I feel I've tried all there is to try. I'm on anti depressants, valium (unfortunately), anti-psychotics - with a documentmented anti depressant effect, and now this mood stabiliser. I see a therapist once a week. Yet, the depression can still be so strong and powerful. Chronic illnesses have to be dealt with by the NHS according to my insurer. My cover isn't good enough to cover chronic illnesses.
  4. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member

    I just listened to Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel. It's like the song is being sung to me by ths forum. Really strong lyrics.
  5. Even though your situation is tough, you can come through this all the more strong. Focus on positives like that song, things that help you and make you feel at ease. We are here to help you as well. I hope everything gets better for you, and know that you aren't alone.
  6. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member

    I felt especially bad yesterday. Too bad even to start up my computer and come on to this forum. I felt that was it. I thought my only option was suicide. I felt I had to do it.I started thinking about how to leave the best legacy possible given my illness and then the impact to my family. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't want to do it. But the pain, the pain was so, so bad. I can't get away from it. It destroys me. I can't do things. My beautiful son wants to go swimming. I can't take him.

    I see a psychiatrist and therapist regularly and have been on medication which has been adjusted over the past 10 months. If, even with all this help, I still get to a point where I feel suicide is my only escape, what hope is there for me?
  7. ToBeAtPeace

    ToBeAtPeace Well-Known Member

    I'm still struggling quite a bit in the same way as my earlier posts. Is anyone there to reach out a hand? I don't want to die.
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