Hello, Newbie here, but not to depression. Have been stuttering all my life, no help from my family, and I developed serious social anxiety because of that. I suffered from depression for years, mostly related to hormones. 10 years of depression due to birth control pill (nobody told me it was causing my depression, hence the full decade), then about a year of post-partum depression with my first son, then prenatal depression with my second (followed by a very happy post-partum, thank god), and then massive, raging depression with IUD for a year. Now I've been "clean" of hormonal substances for 2 years, but the depression is back. I feel generally trapped by motherhood, and suffer from isolation because I'm a shy expat = no friends and family. Depression manifests as extreme anxiety and dark thoughts telling me I failed everything and I should just die. It's a relentless, screaming sequence of insults and hopeless words in my head. To make things worse for me, my inner turmoil is mirrored by a hostile reality. I don't have friends, I haven't worked in 6 months (I'm a freelancer and SAHM), and every attempt I make at changing my situation ends in nothing. I feel life is telling me I should back out. I feel rejected by everything, and I am hurting my family. I'm terrified of antidepressants because I've had such abnormal reaction to birth control and vitamins that I'm afraid the wrong anti-depressant might just kill me. I've been seeing a Jungian therapy recently because I'm fascinated by Jung psychology, but I'm now afraid I'm too screwed up for it. I have a hard time communicating with doctors: they all seem in a hurry, and they are all puzzled by my situation. I feel hopeless.