Desperate

[Lana76]

Hello,

Newbie here, but not to depression. Have been stuttering all my life, no help from my family, and I developed serious social anxiety because of that. I suffered from depression for years, mostly related to hormones. 10 years of depression due to birth control pill (nobody told me it was causing my depression, hence the full decade), then about a year of post-partum depression with my first son, then prenatal depression with my second (followed by a very happy post-partum, thank god), and then massive, raging depression with IUD for a year. Now I've been "clean" of hormonal substances for 2 years, but the depression is back. I feel generally trapped by motherhood, and suffer from isolation because I'm a shy expat = no friends and family.

Depression manifests as extreme anxiety and dark thoughts telling me I failed everything and I should just die. It's a relentless, screaming sequence of insults and hopeless words in my head. To make things worse for me, my inner turmoil is mirrored by a hostile reality. I don't have friends, I haven't worked in 6 months (I'm a freelancer and SAHM), and every attempt I make at changing my situation ends in nothing. I feel life is telling me I should back out. I feel rejected by everything, and I am hurting my family.

I'm terrified of antidepressants because I've had such abnormal reaction to birth control and vitamins that I'm afraid the wrong anti-depressant might just kill me.

I've been seeing a Jungian therapy recently because I'm fascinated by Jung psychology, but I'm now afraid I'm too screwed up for it. I have a hard time communicating with doctors: they all seem in a hurry, and they are all puzzled by my situation. I feel hopeless.

 

[ThePhantomLady]

Hi, and welcome to the forum @Lana76

I'm sorry to hear of your sufferings and how unlucky you have been with the birth control etc.

I know it's difficult to make friends and be social when you suffer from anxiety. But could you try joining social clubs or sports clubs, depending on what your interests are? It's a lot easier to make friends who share an interest with you.

Have you had any more conventional therapy (not that there's anything wrong with Jungian), but have you been talking to a therapist or counselor about your issues? If you don't want anti-depressants or anti-anxieties it would be a good idea to go to therapy instead... I am personally doing that currently... trying my 'lucky' with therapy but I think I will need medicine eventually.

Don't give up on yourself, I know it's a tough time, but there's always a better solution than ending it all.
Please stay safe and take care of yourself. You do deserve that!

 

[Lana76]

Hi @ThePhantomLady, and thank you so much for your reply.

I have been to conventional therapy in the past, but was not impressed. The first therapist let me do all the talking, and the second applied CBT, which was interesting but not too helpful. It left me with the idea that finding the right therapist is massively difficult. I don't know where to start, and I can't afford trying a different one every three months. It's so frustrating.

I have been in the US for over 10 years now, and making friends has been almost impossible. I tried clubs, and I volunteer at school, and especially in the past few years I've been trying to say "YES" to all invitations. But connections remain superficial and are almost always initiated by me. I made just one friend, another mom, but as soon as I met her she told me her family was looking to move. They stayed in my city for a little over a year.

I come from a Mediterranean country, and I guess seeing someone for chitchat every 6 weeks is not at all fulfilling. And after all these years I think I just project loneliness. People feel there's something weird about me. I have been focusing more on kids and work, but it hasn't helped--especially since I'm struggling as a mother and I'm not making any money.

And believe me, I do have friends home, so I know I'm capable of a true connection.

Sorry to sound like a downer. This week is being really bad--I feel like I'm drowning, and it's not showing signs of easing up.

 

[Unknown_111]

Welcome to the forum. I so sorry to hear that you are suffering but trust us we are a supportive group from all walks of life. Please stay strong, we are here for YOU. Take the virtual hand we offer and let us stop you from this drowning feeling. We all suffer in our own way and wear fake smiles. Smiles don't show our true feelings but we care about YOU.

Just think I am on the other side of the world caring about and knowing your hurting. You are no longer alone and please remember that. Life can be cruel but dealing with the situation on your own us not right. You are struggling but let's help YOU.

Keep posting and take care as YOU ARE IMPORTANT.