I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess it's a declaration of the self. I felt good just now. I connected with my inner self, which I've always treasured. I feel like I have two layers of emotions.
The inner layer has my pure self, the part of me that is ageless, that is pure, that is innocent, that has no hatred -- doesn't even understand what is hatred -- that loves everything.
The top layer has all the emotions of my everyday. It collects all the negativity from those around me and judges me and ridicules the emotions below, because it's scared of them. It knows that if they knew their power, they could overtake and cut through everything.
Now, I will admit the inner layer is wild. It's like riding a wild bull. Throughout my life, I have been scared of it. I have cried, wondering what to make it, trying to understand it, trying to control it, and hating myself when I can't. But when I feel good, I mean really good, happy -- happiest -- it's when I connect with these pure emotions and don't try to control them but let them free, like a bird set free. In those moments, I don't see my inner emotions as separate from me. I see that I am my emotions and my emotions are me. I don't mean the bullshit top-level asshole emotions; I mean the inner emotions that love everyone, love everything, see the intense beauty of the vibrant world around us.
But people ridicule when I reveal these inner emotions. They say they're corny and that I'm a fool. But when I'm brave and stand up for my self, my true self -- the immortal self big enough to swallow the Earth and Sky -- I know they're wrong. I know they're scared. They're scared by pure love. As soon as I realize that, their negativity is drowned out.
I don't know how much longer I have. I have dark thoughts, powered by the negativity I consume every day. I convince myself those emotions are my real emotions. They're not. I need to remind myself of who I am deep down.
If you are reading this, I know deep down you, too, are pure and are as iridescent as all existence. And if you don't think so, then I pray some day you will see the beauty inside you.
The inner layer has my pure self, the part of me that is ageless, that is pure, that is innocent, that has no hatred -- doesn't even understand what is hatred -- that loves everything.
The top layer has all the emotions of my everyday. It collects all the negativity from those around me and judges me and ridicules the emotions below, because it's scared of them. It knows that if they knew their power, they could overtake and cut through everything.
Now, I will admit the inner layer is wild. It's like riding a wild bull. Throughout my life, I have been scared of it. I have cried, wondering what to make it, trying to understand it, trying to control it, and hating myself when I can't. But when I feel good, I mean really good, happy -- happiest -- it's when I connect with these pure emotions and don't try to control them but let them free, like a bird set free. In those moments, I don't see my inner emotions as separate from me. I see that I am my emotions and my emotions are me. I don't mean the bullshit top-level asshole emotions; I mean the inner emotions that love everyone, love everything, see the intense beauty of the vibrant world around us.
But people ridicule when I reveal these inner emotions. They say they're corny and that I'm a fool. But when I'm brave and stand up for my self, my true self -- the immortal self big enough to swallow the Earth and Sky -- I know they're wrong. I know they're scared. They're scared by pure love. As soon as I realize that, their negativity is drowned out.
I don't know how much longer I have. I have dark thoughts, powered by the negativity I consume every day. I convince myself those emotions are my real emotions. They're not. I need to remind myself of who I am deep down.
If you are reading this, I know deep down you, too, are pure and are as iridescent as all existence. And if you don't think so, then I pray some day you will see the beauty inside you.
