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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
In truth, i still just want you to be happy. Except i can't let myself feel responsible for that any more, even if i wish i'd done better somehow. I see now other people are responsible for their feelings, it's only my place to help if it doesn't come at the cost of my own wellbeing. And try as i might to avert it, that dynamic, the dynamic i acknowledge i'd created, just kept costing me. I sincerely hope things work out for you. Thank you. And i'm sorry. And....thank you.
The last couple of days i have been feeling that i deserve all of the bad things that happen to me or i don't deserve help. It is a strong feeling that comes and rarely goes. It's been quiet for a while, but the past couple of weeks it kind of flared up again.
So when i had therapy the other day, i was struggling a lot. i cried basically the entire session and he challenged me to answer why i feel so undeserving. Then he made me think of what i would say to a specific friend who has endured a lot of similar situations , which when i have done that before i just consider friends in general and not pick a specific one. It made a big difference in how my brain switched gears a bit. Like i still feel hung up on feeling undeserving but at the same time my brain is focusing on "but why?" And also thinking of some old conversations i have had with someone else before who helped me start processing through the fact that, ireally didn't deserve a lot of the bad things that have happened to me. Deep down i am still grasping desperately at this tiny sliver of, "i don't deserve this hurt and ache" that i didn't deserve all of the bad things, but the fucking barbed wire wrapped around my brain is just squeezing the fuck out of that negativity again. It's oozing out like a poison in my cranium.
Any ways....(brain got side tracked) the conversation with my therapist lead me to remember this song and the lyrics fit pretty perfectly (in my own head at least).
"I just called to see how you're doing
Never mind, that's a lie, I've been going through it
I had a good thing, but I blew it
It wasn't her fault and she knew it
Tell me, what kind of man am I supposed to be
When the lines the razor blade made are faded?
Is there really any hope for me
If a simple conversation's complicated?
I know everything I've ever done wrong
That kind of memory won't let me move on
Though there's bound to be some things that you ain't told me
I could never be ashamed of you homie
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
Step inside, this is my confession
I let resentment turn into a deep depression
I spend the next five lines asking bad questions
How could I hit rock bottom, never learning a lesson?
Do I deserve this hurting?
If my body goes limp, would I float to the surface?
Or can I live in a world with no purpose?
How could I change when I'm still the same person?
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
Stuck in a circle, waiting to die
I won't find a way out, looking inside
Don't I deserve to make anything right?
I won't find a way out, looking inside
Stuck in a circle, waiting to die
I won't find a way out, looking inside
Don't I deserve to make anything right?
I won't find a way out, looking inside
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)..."
So when i had therapy the other day, i was struggling a lot. i cried basically the entire session and he challenged me to answer why i feel so undeserving. Then he made me think of what i would say to a specific friend who has endured a lot of similar situations , which when i have done that before i just consider friends in general and not pick a specific one. It made a big difference in how my brain switched gears a bit. Like i still feel hung up on feeling undeserving but at the same time my brain is focusing on "but why?" And also thinking of some old conversations i have had with someone else before who helped me start processing through the fact that, ireally didn't deserve a lot of the bad things that have happened to me. Deep down i am still grasping desperately at this tiny sliver of, "i don't deserve this hurt and ache" that i didn't deserve all of the bad things, but the fucking barbed wire wrapped around my brain is just squeezing the fuck out of that negativity again. It's oozing out like a poison in my cranium.
Any ways....(brain got side tracked) the conversation with my therapist lead me to remember this song and the lyrics fit pretty perfectly (in my own head at least).
"I just called to see how you're doing
Never mind, that's a lie, I've been going through it
I had a good thing, but I blew it
It wasn't her fault and she knew it
Tell me, what kind of man am I supposed to be
When the lines the razor blade made are faded?
Is there really any hope for me
If a simple conversation's complicated?
I know everything I've ever done wrong
That kind of memory won't let me move on
Though there's bound to be some things that you ain't told me
I could never be ashamed of you homie
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
Step inside, this is my confession
I let resentment turn into a deep depression
I spend the next five lines asking bad questions
How could I hit rock bottom, never learning a lesson?
Do I deserve this hurting?
If my body goes limp, would I float to the surface?
Or can I live in a world with no purpose?
How could I change when I'm still the same person?
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
Stuck in a circle, waiting to die
I won't find a way out, looking inside
Don't I deserve to make anything right?
I won't find a way out, looking inside
Stuck in a circle, waiting to die
I won't find a way out, looking inside
Don't I deserve to make anything right?
I won't find a way out, looking inside
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)
I wouldn't talk to a friend the way I talk to myself
(I'm turning my life to hell)
See, the voice in my head really needs some help
(I figure I might as well)..."