I know what you mean @HumanExMachina . I still believe there are hidden principles at work, though for different, I like to think rational, reasons!
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Family distance
- Thread starter Human Ex Machinae
- Start date
Absolutely. I think we only start straying into the irrational when we think we've found the ultimate truth and we actually 'know' what's going on. To quote two very different sources, "There's something happening here, but what it is ain't exactly clear" and "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Not sure who Horatio was or what his philosophy was, I could never get too far into Shakespeare without getting a migraine:confused:
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Not sure who Horatio was or what his philosophy was, I could never get too far into Shakespeare without getting a migraine:confused:
I feel a Shakespeare quote coming on now @HumanExMachina!
Oh, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, I've heard of them, but I always thought they were a legal firm! Where would I be without Google? I can actually get through Shakespeare one scene at a time without any ill effects. So if I start reading one or two scenes a day I should be about halfway through by about the latter part of the next century. The language is beautiful, I could listen to it all day, but when trying to read it, ending every sentence with my eyes crossed and thinking Huh? has always been an impediment.
Just realized I didn't mention my father at all. With good reason. My parents divorced when I was nine. My father had a gambling addiction, he dedicated his very excellent salary to the horse races, and of course lost it all, the result being that we lived in poverty. He was also abusive. My sisters he would whip like dogs with his belt. Me, he preferred kicking and punching with a closed fist, like he was in a barroom brawl, although sometimes he would use the belt, too. He would hit my mother when she tried to shield us with her own body. Thankfully he was out of our lives by the time I was nine, but he resurfaced a couple of years later. I went to spend some time with him, and I made the mistake of losing a pencil. He kicked, punched and whipped me, leaving me with bruises and welts for a week. I saw him once after that, then never again, thank god. I guess the family distance started with him. A far as I know he's still alive, living in Miami. Lots of great horse racing there, I hear. If he showed up here feeling suicidal, I wouldn't be able to come up with any reasons why he shouldn't do it. I honestly don't know how anyone could continue living with the memory of having treated children that way. I feel kind of shitty dumping all of that on you guys, but, I guess that's what we're all here for.
Like you, I struggle to understand the mindset of those who are cruel to the innocent and defenceless. It is sinister and cowardly, but we are told that the abuse of children tends to repeat itself from generation to generation. Those like you who have suffered such abuse deserve admiration for stopping the cycle in their own lives, and also compassion because the pain of early abuse runs deep and can negatively affect future relationships. It can be forever after very difficult to really believe that we are valuable and loveable when denied what imo is a basic human right of all children.
Sorry this happened to you @HumanExMachina. I hope you know now that, like every child, you deserved to be loved, valued and protected from harm, not betrayed by the very person who was responsible for your welfare . You are no longer just that defenceless child, and I hope your adult self is giving your inner child all the loving kindness you should have had from the outset.
It breaks my heart to think of all the helpless, defenceless children there are in the world today who are silently suffering in this way and I can hardly bear to read about those terrible cases which come to light and appear in newspapers with seemingly increasing frequency.
Sorry this happened to you @HumanExMachina. I hope you know now that, like every child, you deserved to be loved, valued and protected from harm, not betrayed by the very person who was responsible for your welfare . You are no longer just that defenceless child, and I hope your adult self is giving your inner child all the loving kindness you should have had from the outset.
It breaks my heart to think of all the helpless, defenceless children there are in the world today who are silently suffering in this way and I can hardly bear to read about those terrible cases which come to light and appear in newspapers with seemingly increasing frequency.
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Some people, many I think, carry it on to their own children and make it a family tradition, and others are so horrified by what was done to them that the potential to ever do anything even remotely like that to a child, or to anyone for that matter, is just not a part of their being at all.
I don't know how common this is, but in my case, I didn't even think of myself as someone who'd been abused as a child until I was in my 30's. Similar to how I didn't take my depression on board as a fundamental part of my identity until I was in my 40's. I'm not sure why that is. But it's like I've gone through most of my life completely shell-shocked and dazed.
Thanks, Clair. I wish I could say I was but I'm not really. I've always protected myself though, except for moments of weakness, for which I've always paid a price.
I'm instinctively and reflexively against the death penalty and can argue long and loud against it, but all a person has to do to shut me up about it is mention child abuse.
I don't know how common this is, but in my case, I didn't even think of myself as someone who'd been abused as a child until I was in my 30's. Similar to how I didn't take my depression on board as a fundamental part of my identity until I was in my 40's. I'm not sure why that is. But it's like I've gone through most of my life completely shell-shocked and dazed.
Thanks, Clair. I wish I could say I was but I'm not really. I've always protected myself though, except for moments of weakness, for which I've always paid a price.
I'm instinctively and reflexively against the death penalty and can argue long and loud against it, but all a person has to do to shut me up about it is mention child abuse.
I think some victims of child abuse don't recognise it as abuse because they blame themselves for causing the behavior, believing they have some inherent flaw which makes them uncared for. It's horrible because though the flaw is in obviously in the adult perpetrator, that's not the way the child victim perceives it.
I found a great article on Psychology Today called Healing the Shame of Childhood Abuse through Self-Compassion in the course of a discussion on another thread, but I'm linking it here as I think you would find it insightful and helpful as well @HumanExMachina : https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion.
Going by the description of the effects of abuse in childhood, I think the article applies to very many members of SF
I found a great article on Psychology Today called Healing the Shame of Childhood Abuse through Self-Compassion in the course of a discussion on another thread, but I'm linking it here as I think you would find it insightful and helpful as well @HumanExMachina : https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion.
Going by the description of the effects of abuse in childhood, I think the article applies to very many members of SF
That's an eye opening article. Although I wouldn't call what it instilled in me shame, I definitely ticked most of the boxes concerning the lifelong aftereffects of abuse. What it created in me was more like feeling that there's something deficient in me, something lacking that makes people not love me or care about me. Not being able to form bonds with others isn't too surprising if your earliest years are defined by brutality from one of the two most important people in your life. Those years, and those two people, are where you learn about how the world works and how you fit into it, and what you can expect from others. And I realized that it's strange I made a thread about my family history, and at no point did the subject of my father and the abuse occur to me. It only popped into my head because of another thread I read here. That tells me that even though I finally understood years ago that I'd been abused, once acknowledged, I reburied it, to keep it out of sight and away from myself. Kind of weird to talk about your family and how they're good people, and not even remember while you're doing that that one of them was a child abuser. I guess the process of self discovery never ends. As far as showing compassion to myself, I'm not sure I understand how to do that. I think it would have to start by convincing myself that I can be loved, but that's a tall order, the experiences of a lifetime call it a lie. Even if it was true once, it isn't now. The last time I tried to believe it, it turned out to be a lie, ended in divorce, cost me my job and economic security and autonomy, and embarked me on a new existence as a bum.
I think that feeling there's something deficient, something missing in you, which causes others to reject you, is the shame the article is referring to. The author states that abuse victims are often plagued by shame throughout their lives without identifying that feeling of something lacking or missing in them as shame. In essence they are taking the blame which is due to their abuser upon themselves, consciously or unconsciously believing they have an inherent defect which caused the abuse e.g. 'my father beats me because I am bad', or 'my mother neglects me because I am unloveable'.
Logically this seems obvious, but denial enters into the picture and prevents victims from seeing what as self-hating adults they need to see. Thinking about it, I have never really understood how anyone can truly hate themselves. I have experienced self doubt from time to time, but never even a flicker of self hatred, even when I was in the depths of despair after being severely attacked by a random stranger. However, I was an adult when this happened, and not dependent on anyone for my psychological integrity.
Denial seems to be a common occurrence in victims of child abuse. Unfortunately, unless the wound in the psyche is brought to light and healed, it continues to unconsciously affect victims with self- limiting and life- limiting patterns of thinking and being. I am reminded of a friend of mine who was trying to understand why she kept getting into relationships with men who mistreated her and who one day suddenly recalled, dimly at first, at the age of three or four, being strangled and thrown hard against a wall by her drunk
The author of the article has developed exercises to increase self compassion, one of which I have reproduced below for anyone interested. I'm off to read some of the other articles** listed in her blog as I would like to increase my own understanding of this, but I note her statement here about how this practice actually rewired the brain:
**Trauma Sensitive Approach to Healing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...efits-trauma-sensitive-approach-healing-shame
Self Compassion Practice to quiet the Inner Critic https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ing-your-inner-critic-through-self-compassion
Forgive or Not Forgive is the question: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...200803/forgive-or-not-forgive-is-the-question
Logically this seems obvious, but denial enters into the picture and prevents victims from seeing what as self-hating adults they need to see. Thinking about it, I have never really understood how anyone can truly hate themselves. I have experienced self doubt from time to time, but never even a flicker of self hatred, even when I was in the depths of despair after being severely attacked by a random stranger. However, I was an adult when this happened, and not dependent on anyone for my psychological integrity.
Denial seems to be a common occurrence in victims of child abuse. Unfortunately, unless the wound in the psyche is brought to light and healed, it continues to unconsciously affect victims with self- limiting and life- limiting patterns of thinking and being. I am reminded of a friend of mine who was trying to understand why she kept getting into relationships with men who mistreated her and who one day suddenly recalled, dimly at first, at the age of three or four, being strangled and thrown hard against a wall by her drunk
The author of the article has developed exercises to increase self compassion, one of which I have reproduced below for anyone interested. I'm off to read some of the other articles** listed in her blog as I would like to increase my own understanding of this, but I note her statement here about how this practice actually rewired the brain:
"Of particular interest to me was recent research in the neurobiology of compassion as it relates to shame—namely that we now know some of the neurobiological correlates of feeling unlovable and how shame gets stuck in our neural circuitry. Moreover, and most crucially of all, due to our brains’ capacity to grow new neurons and new synaptic connections, we can proactively repair (and re-pair) old shame memories with new experiences of self-empathy and self-compassion."
**Trauma Sensitive Approach to Healing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...efits-trauma-sensitive-approach-healing-shame
Self Compassion Practice to quiet the Inner Critic https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...ing-your-inner-critic-through-self-compassion
Forgive or Not Forgive is the question: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...200803/forgive-or-not-forgive-is-the-question
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Exercise: Becoming Compassionate Toward Yourself
1. Think about the most compassionate person you have known—someone kind, understanding, and supportive of you. It may have been a teacher, a friend, a friend’s parent, a relative. Think about how this person conveyed his or her compassion toward you and how you felt in this person’s presence. Notice the feelings and sensations that come up with this memory. If you can’t think of someone in your life who has been compassionate toward you, think of a compassionate public figure, or even a fictional character from a book, film, or television.
2. Now imagine that you have the ability to become as compassionate toward yourself as this person has been toward you (or you imagine this person would be toward you). How would you treat yourself if you were feeling overwhelmed with sadness or shame? What kinds of words would you use to talk to yourself?
This is the goal of self-compassion: to treat yourself the same way the most compassionate person you know would treat you—to talk to yourself in the same loving, kind, supportive ways this compassionate person would talk to you.
The Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion
By learning to practice self-compassion you will also be able to begin doing the following:
o Truly acknowledge the pain you suffered and in so doing, begin to heal
o Take in compassion from others
o Reconnect with yourself, including reconnecting with your emotions
o Gain an understanding as to why you have acted out in negative and/or unhealthy ways
o Stop blaming yourself for your victimization
o Forgive yourself for the ways you attempted to cope with the abuse
o Learn to be deeply kind toward yourself
o Create a nurturing inner voice to replace your critical inner voice
o Reconnect with others and become less isolated
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion
1. Think about the most compassionate person you have known—someone kind, understanding, and supportive of you. It may have been a teacher, a friend, a friend’s parent, a relative. Think about how this person conveyed his or her compassion toward you and how you felt in this person’s presence. Notice the feelings and sensations that come up with this memory. If you can’t think of someone in your life who has been compassionate toward you, think of a compassionate public figure, or even a fictional character from a book, film, or television.
2. Now imagine that you have the ability to become as compassionate toward yourself as this person has been toward you (or you imagine this person would be toward you). How would you treat yourself if you were feeling overwhelmed with sadness or shame? What kinds of words would you use to talk to yourself?
This is the goal of self-compassion: to treat yourself the same way the most compassionate person you know would treat you—to talk to yourself in the same loving, kind, supportive ways this compassionate person would talk to you.
The Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion
By learning to practice self-compassion you will also be able to begin doing the following:
o Truly acknowledge the pain you suffered and in so doing, begin to heal
o Take in compassion from others
o Reconnect with yourself, including reconnecting with your emotions
o Gain an understanding as to why you have acted out in negative and/or unhealthy ways
o Stop blaming yourself for your victimization
o Forgive yourself for the ways you attempted to cope with the abuse
o Learn to be deeply kind toward yourself
o Create a nurturing inner voice to replace your critical inner voice
o Reconnect with others and become less isolated
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion
@Clair, this information you've posted here has really had an impact on how I see myself, and others. I've just barely started fully taking on board these new ways of understanding what's been going on in my head all my life, and why, but already I feel a difference. Of course I'm still me, that's not likely to change at this point, but understanding has sort of taken the pressure off. The tension, anxiety and constant judgement of myself has lessened, I'm not so hard on myself. I don't hate myself so much. I was noticing it all day today. This is now a journey that I have to take in my thinking, but you pointed me in the right direction and I can't thank you enough for that.
I was always told I had to forgive and have even recommended that to people on sf. After reading the article above, I have a new perspective. This and also a post by @JacsMom regarding NOT telling someone who is grieving that it "happened for a reason" and "god meant it for good" - I'm rethinking all these things that were told me with good intentions but may have been detrimental to getting over the abuse from the past.