Family distance

[Lara_C]

I hope you pursue this with at least as much energy as you've dedicated to self sabotage before @HumanExMachina! I'm a strong believer in the healing power of love/compassion, but I didn't know there was actually scientific research backing it up. The psychologist Dr Kristin Neff is the leading researcher in the field and has produced books, articles and videos on the subject. I am going to read her research in detail and am particular interested in the neuroscience of modifying the architecture of the brain through her methods, creating new neural pathways which bring happiness, replacing the old life - limiting ones.

We were discussing the same topic over on Magalee's thread Why do we hate ourselves so much we want to die? (Click to link)

I really like Kristin Neff's idea of starting the practise by writing yourself a letter every day like you would a close friend in trouble. The thing to remember is that 'neurons that fire together, wire together' so what you are actually attempting to do is turn your brain into an instrument which serves you, rather than one of self torture.

Kristin Neff has longer vids on YouTube explaining the principles and practice, but I found this short one:

 

[Lara_C]

I was always told I had to forgive and have even recommended that to people on sf. After reading the article above, I have a new perspective. This and also a post by @JacsMom regarding NOT telling someone who is grieving that it "happened for a reason" and "god meant it for good" - I'm rethinking all these things that were told me with good intentions but may have been detrimental to getting over the abuse from the past.

@Magalee, you might also like this article by psychologist Steven Stosny which says " forgiveness occurs as a byproduct of healing rather than a cause of it. Forgiveness is a red herring of a goal that largely impedes the repair process, if attempted to soon: "https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201312/forgiveness-after-betrayal

 

[Magalee]

@Magalee, you might also like this article by psychologist Steven Stosny which says " forgiveness occurs as a byproduct of healing rather than a cause of it. Forgiveness is a red herring of a goal that largely impedes the repair process, if attempted to soon: "https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201312/forgiveness-after-betrayal

Thank you for sharing the article. It's very good to see what's my responsibility and what is the abusers'. I've never been able to forgive yet, even though I thought I had to. Now I see why and that it probably never will happen because there will be no restoring of relationships.

 

[Lara_C]

Thank you for sharing the article. It's very good to see what's my responsibility and what is the abusers'. I've never been able to forgive yet, even though I thought I had to. Now I see why and that it probably never will happen because there will be no restoring of relationships.

It's not necessary to restore the relationship @Magalee. Forgiveness can just be in the form of emotional detachment. If you want to repair the relationship, forgiveness occurs in the form of emotional reinvestment, but either way, it only happens after healing takes place, and that is a process with various stages, aided by self - compassion.

 

[Magalee]

Then I m saying, there will be no repairing the relationships, but that could be my bitterness talking.

 

[Lara_C]

It could be that not restoring the relationship, not reinvesting in it, is best - the other people might not have changed and could cause you further grief. You have to protect yourself from that. But its still possible to detach emotionally from the resentment caused by the pain of the past.

 

[Magalee]

Thank you @Clair for the wealth of information.
Thank you @HumanExMachina for thinking of this thread, and I hope I haven't side tracked it in any way.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

@Clair, I watched a few of her talks on Youtube just now, and there are two things she talks about that hit home and that I immediately understood. With me they both tie together and amplify each other: Self isolation and self judgement.

I always felt isolated from the rest of humanity, even before I reached my teen years. It's clear why (now it's clear, anyway). The situation in the home were terrible. My father was brutalizing my sisters and me, and when we were kids, my sisters hated me and regularly beat me. So, three of the four people in my home, the place where a person should feel the most safe, were actively hostile and violent at all times. My brain and mind developed from the toddler years onward under a state of siege. One of the very first lessons I learned was that I was so different from others, and so lacking in something vital, that I provoked hatred and violence in the people around me. These already well ingrained feelings of inadequacy, difference and isolation, I projected outward, and in school the kids around me picked up on it, with the result being that they bullied me and beat me up almost every day. So I was being treated with hatred and contempt and regularly physically assaulted outside of the home, as well as inside. There was no sanctuary, no safe place in this world. Those are the conditions under which my mind formed. Feeling isolated and apart from the rest of humanity was a completely rational and obvious conclusion, and inescapable.

This isolation magnified the already present negative self judgement. It grew to the point that I had to learn how to pretend to be human around others. I approached humanity like a stranded visitor from another planet who has to learn their ways and try to blend in and avoid notice. I became a constant actor, acting as if I was human. For most of my life I was pretty good at it as long as I kept others at a distance, because when they got too close they discovered my terrible secret, that I wasn't really one of them. All actors are very critical of their own performances and they analyze every word, gesture and move that they make onstage. That's how it became with me. If a normal person needs to go to the shop to pick up some groceries, they think nothing of it. They put on their shoes and go, and come back and that's it. But with me, even a simple thing like that is a performance. Like an actor psyches himself into a role before a performance, I have to mentally prepare for it. When I step out the door of my home I'm constantly aware of every step and gesture I make and every word I say, every single moment, and judging myself harshly when I feel I've flubbed a line or missed a cue. When I get back home, I let out a mental sigh of relief, 'I did it. I managed to pass myself off as a human being for a little while.'

Beginning to understand and digest all of the above isn't going to change my life to any significant degree. I'm 51 years old now, all of these experiences, that began when I was barely out of infancy are hired wired, baked in, the clay has set. But I do benefit because understanding it all makes it easier for me to continue being me. It allows me to cut myself some slack and relax, begin to ease a lot of the tremendous pressure I've always put myself under in every waking moment. It's already helping.

The self compassion part I just don't get. I read the words and understand them, but I just don't have a handle for it. Unless scaling back the self judgement as much as possible and alleviating some of the constant stress can be counted as an act of self compassion. Then I get it.

I've got the day off today because of some Christian holiday, so after breakfast, I'll watch some more of Kristen Neff's talks. She's very good. Maybe I'll glean a few more insights.

@Magalee, you haven't sidetracked it at all, what you've talked about is very much on-topic. Reading about other people's experiences here has been helping me a lot, and I'm happy to have provided a thread where other SF members, not just me, can talk about the issues they're dealing with. Later I'm going to go check out your thread, the one that Clair linked to, somehow how I'd missed it.

 

[Magalee]

@Clair, I watched a few of her talks on Youtube just now, and there are two things she talks about that hit home and that I immediately understood. With me they both tie together and amplify each other: Self isolation and self judgement.

I always felt isolated from the rest of humanity, even before I reached my teen years. It's clear why (now it's clear, anyway). The situation in the home were terrible. My father was brutalizing my sisters and me, and when we were kids, my sisters hated me and regularly beat me. So, three of the four people in my home, the place where a person should feel the most safe, were actively hostile and violent at all times. My brain and mind developed from the toddler years onward under a state of siege. One of the very first lessons I learned was that I was so different from others, and so lacking in something vital, that I provoked hatred and violence in the people around me. These already well ingrained feelings of inadequacy, difference and isolation, I projected outward, and in school the kids around me picked up on it, with the result being that they bullied me and beat me up almost every day. So I was being treated with hatred and contempt and regularly physically assaulted outside of the home, as well as inside. There was no sanctuary, no safe place in this world. Those are the conditions under which my mind formed. Feeling isolated and apart from the rest of humanity was a completely rational and obvious conclusion, and inescapable.

This isolation magnified the already present negative self judgement. It grew to the point that I had to learn how to pretend to be human around others. I approached humanity like a stranded visitor from another planet who has to learn their ways and try to blend in and avoid notice. I became a constant actor, acting as if I was human. For most of my life I was pretty good at it as long as I kept others at a distance, because when they got too close they discovered my terrible secret, that I wasn't really one of them. All actors are very critical of their own performances and they analyze every word, gesture and move that they make onstage. That's how it became with me. If a normal person needs to go to the shop to pick up some groceries, they think nothing of it. They put on their shoes and go, and come back and that's it. But with me, even a simple thing like that is a performance. Like an actor psyches himself into a role before a performance, I have to mentally prepare for it. When I step out the door of my home I'm constantly aware of every step and gesture I make and every word I say, every single moment, and judging myself harshly when I feel I've flubbed a line or missed a cue. When I get back home, I let out a mental sigh of relief, 'I did it. I managed to pass myself off as a human being for a little while.'

Beginning to understand and digest all of the above isn't going to change my life to any significant degree. I'm 51 years old now, all of these experiences, that began when I was barely out of infancy are hired wired, baked in, the clay has set. But I do benefit because understanding it all makes it easier for me to continue being me. It allows me to cut myself some slack and relax, begin to ease a lot of the tremendous pressure I've always put myself under in every waking moment. It's already helping.

The self compassion part I just don't get. I read the words and understand them, but I just don't have a handle for it. Unless scaling back the self judgement as much as possible and alleviating some of the constant stress can be counted as an act of self compassion. Then I get it.

I've got the day off today because of some Christian holiday, so after breakfast, I'll watch some more of Kristen Neff's talks. She's very good. Maybe I'll glean a few more insights.

@Magalee, you haven't sidetracked it at all, what you've talked about is very much on-topic. Reading about other people's experiences here has been helping me a lot, and I'm happy to have provided a thread where other SF members, not just me, can talk about the issues they're dealing with. Later I'm going to go check out your thread, the one that Clair linked to, somehow how I'd missed it.

Your excellent post describes beautifully what happened to me, and to all abused children. Yes, those were the conditions underwhich my mind formed(!) that's PRECISELY what happened and how I dealt with it and why I am the way I am.

I want to take your post and broadcast it to the whole world, every pregnant mother, every human for that matter, should have to read it, repeatedly. If it could prevent one child from growing up like this, it would be worth it.

I'm extremely grateful to you for giving me the words to describe what happened to me as a child. Thank you for describing it so eloquently, I appreciate it so very much.

 

[dugga]

Thanks for your post @HumanExMachina - that feeling of detachment is what I have too. That sensation of being an intruder in the human world has never left me but it was only when a therapist said to me more than thirty years later "you had a traumatic childhood" that it made sense as to why I am the way I am. I never thought of it as traumatic, just as something I brought on myself that I deserved or some sort of inherent aspect of personality I was born with rather than something that I turned into due to childhood incidents. It is hard to change the habits of a lifetime - I'm 50 now so close to your age and even now it is only just dawning on me what happened and why there are gaps in my childhood memories that I can't place but that have been buried for good reason. For me there can be no repairing of relationships when the perpetrators can see no wrong. All you can really do is acknowledge the damage and try to fix it. Good luck and thanks again - I really appreciate you taking the time to write down your thoughts.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

@dugga, we're the lucky ones I guess, we finally got that all important memo (thanks Clair, for delivering mine) about what actually happened to us. Probably most people never do. I've been writing all of these things down to help me get my ducks in a row, with the hope that as a side benefit, somebody out there might find something that helps them. That's the great thing about this place, we can all help each other as we try to help ourselves.

 

[Lara_C]

Hi @HumanExMachina , research in neuroscience has shown that neuropathways are not fixed but can be changed. The self hating programme was wired at a very early age, becoming automatic, and every time it runs it is reinforced because 'what fires together fires together' and vice versa. The issue then is to find a method of making the brain wire the self hating programme to its opposite, so that when the self hating thoughts are triggered, self compassion automatically arises alongside them. It's therefore just a matter of practising self compassion and to keep on practising it until the the new pathway you are creating is reinforced. Without enough deliberate repetitions, the new response will become extinct, and the old wiring left over will take over and become reinforced once again.

I think when beginning a practice like self compassion, you have to really persevere, and call upon your powers of imagination to get it going. What you say about taking on a role shows you already possess this power in abundance. It shouldn't be too difficult to imaginatively create a compassionate character for the purpose of the self- compassion exercise I posted above. The point of the exercise is that you are generating the feeling of compassion alongside your OWN pain.

Finally, I think your description of feeling like an actor is very insightful because imo it applies generally. There is a deeper layer of ourselves which is more than the roles we take on and the characters we act out. These are created things, not our real being. Imo the purpose of life is to bring our outer selves into greater harmony with our inner being.

 

[Lara_C]

@dugga, we're the lucky ones I guess, we finally got that all important memo (thanks Clair, for delivering mine) about what actually happened to us. Probably most people never do. I've been writing all of these things down to help me get my ducks in a row, with the hope that as a side benefit, somebody out there might find something that helps them. That's the great thing about this place, we can all help each other as we try to help ourselves.

With your literary skills and painful experiences @HumanExMachina , you can really make a difference in the lives of others who are going through the same thing. I hope you continue your journey in self-compassion, not just for your own sake, but for the benefits you can bring to others who are suffering

 

[Lara_C]

@Magalee, @HumanExMachina, @dugga, and everybody else reading this thread:

How to write a Letter of Self-Compassion

Research shows writing this type of letter once a day for seven days decreases anxiety and depression and increases happiness for up to six months. We recommend you follow the instructions below and write yourself this self-compassionate letter each day for the next week. You may even want to use some nice, colorful stationary to write the letters on. You can then re-read the letters anytime you'd like. Even if you never look at the letter(s) again, you will still receive tremendous benefit from simply having written these words. Keeping these letters and reviewing them periodically can be a wonderful pick me up when you're feeling down or struggling to get through a tough time. Enjoy!

1. Think of something you are currently struggling with in your life

2. Get out a pen and paper or your computer

3. Imagine the letter is coming from your future self, five years in the future. Your future self is looking back with wisdom and love and offering your present self compassion and guidance. (i.e. I'm so grateful that you are having this challenging experience because you've learned so much from it about self-compassion, perseverance and taking risks)

4. Talk in the second person (i.e. Dear Lisa,...)

5. Describe to yourself the feelings you’re experiencing (i.e. I can tell you are being hard on yourself, I can see that you’re frustrated about feeling stuck)

6. Insert a message of common humanity which helps connect you to all others. (i.e. Lisa, you are only human and it's completely normal to feel this way and to have these experiences)

7. Offer yourself guidance and self-kindness, the same way you would give encouragement to a friend in need. (i.e. I'm so proud of you for your commitment and bravery in the face of uncertainty)

8. Sign the letter with love, decorate it with stickers or drawings if you feel inspired to do so. Keep the letter somewhere you will see it and read it often, particularly during challenging times

Source: http://www.mindfulnessbasedachievement.com/selfcompassiontools

If any of you feel like posting your letter/s to yourself, please do. Would make a good thread of its own, come to think about it.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

@Magalee, thanks! It gives me a super good feeling to know that something I wrote about my experiences helped you with yours.

@Clair, as I read your post about writing the compassionate letters, I found a way to understand the self compassion angle: act as if I was encountering myself as another SF member. What would I say to myself?

 

[Lara_C]

@Magalee, thanks! It gives me a super good feeling to know that something I wrote about my experiences helped you with yours.

@Clair, as I read your post about writing the compassionate letters, I found a way to understand the self compassion angle: act as if I was encountering myself as another SF member. What would I say to myself?

I really hope you try it @HumanExMachina. Even although you would be reversing the habits of a life time, this could be your first step to freedom! Now that would be a good perspective from which to write that first letter!

It's great to think that WE are in charge of our destiny, WE can rewrite the script we were given and the role we portray.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

I really hope you try it @HumanExMachina. Even although you would be reversing the habits of a life time, this could be your first step to freedom! Now that would be a good perspective from which to write that first letter!

This weekend I'll track down the very post I made here, the one I made after I'd hit the bottom of the barrel, broken through and kept going. If I can bear to read it I'll try to come up with a reply to myself. Strange. That was only three weeks ago, but communicating with others here about these problems defragged my mental hard drive so much that it almost seems like it was a different person. I know I'm definitely not a different person, the negative mental clutter can sweep back in at any time if I get sloppy and stop paying attention to where my thoughts are going.

 

[Lara_C]

Can't wait @HumanExMachina - love the way you write!

 

[Magalee]

Good morning!. Please let me know when you start the new thread, and can there be a sample letter/example for me to follow so I know I'm doing it right? Thanks again!