• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

Forgive me, my great grandmother is dead :'(

Jedizen

Well-Known Member
#1
I come from a broken family. My mother was adopted, my father left us when I was a young toddler, as a result my mother was my only family as a young child. I desperately wanted family in my life then and still feel I'm missing out now. Mum would take me to playgrounds and one day while we were out together, we went for a walk together. We stopped at a house which had two lion-statues out the front of it - one on each side of the driveway's entrance. Mum and I were at the front door. Mum pushed the big white door bell button and a chime sounded. An old lady opened the door and she kindly invited us inside. We all stood in the smallish lounge room, for a moment, in silence.

Then mum turned to me, and said "David! This is your great-grandmother!" I was so confused at the time, because I was used to "all" my family members being non-blood relatives and so I looked down a little while until I decided to ask, "My Real One?!" "Yes, David, she's your real grandmother." I looked upon my great-grandmother and went over to her with my arms open. We embraced for a little longer than I normally did with my mum. We let each other go and looked into each other's eyes, hers showed so much love and kindness. I never felt such tender feelings toward anyone in my life!

My great-grandmother was very old and although I didn't know much about death at the time I remember having a sort of comprehension that she was frail and seeing her again may not last forever. I told her I had a weapon. I showed her my figurine and told her I wanted her to have it. I showed her how it worked. There was a wheel in the figurine's back. I turned it with my thumb which produced sparks from the mouth. I went on in my childish manner saying that it was only ok for me to get the sparks on myself, definitely not hers! I told her to "Watch. See?" and then ran some sparks onto my other thumb. I was going on about the smell it left and invited her to smell the resulting odour on my hand which she did. She smiled at me, and her smile was so lovely.

I handed her my figurine. She asked me what she should do with it. I told her maybe she could put it on her mantle piece. She said that sounded like a lovely idea. It was a beautiful moment, one of my all time favorite meetings. Mum announced that it was time we were making a move - which meant leaving where we were. I don't even know whether I told my great-grandmother that I loved her or not but I believe she knew at the time that I did. And so we left hastily, and were back on the road driving home. I happen to have asperger's syndrome which is a form of autism spectrum disorders, although, at that stage of my life there was no knowledge of this fact. Mum continued to drive with me sitting in the front passenger seat. My always busied hands had nothing in them and so I fidgeted and looked at my hands in frustration.

Mum noticed that I was suffering without the toy and began to complain about having given it away. Mum said all sorts of things, beginning with "I paid for that, it wasn't cheap, either!" to "Why give away your favorite toy, anyway; and, look! Now you've got nothing." Mum annouced that were going back there to get it back off her. I did say "No." Mum over-ruled me, and we were on our way back to my great-grandmother's house. We arrived there and my great-grandmother came outside after we pulled up in her driveway. My great-grandmother's expression seemed to be one of confusion and surprise, she started to ask when mum interrupted her, saying "We're back to get David's toy back from you. He's lost without it!" "Sure! No problem. I'll just go inside and get it for him." I'd never felt so ashamed.

My great-grandmother returned a few seconds later with the dumb figurine which mum took out of her hands. I think I must have given her a "sorry" look, and wasn't interested in the toy which mum stuffed into my resignated hands in my lap. Mum hastily said we had to go and my great-grandmother and I waved goodbye to each other. Mum's first words to me on our trip home were "There! Are you happy now?" I said, "Not really, I wanted grandma to have it" Mum interrupts me while I'm saying this, however, and says that I was depressed without it. She then begins to remind me of all her previously stated issues before finishing up with "...You're not to give away anything I buy for you again!" We got home and I went to my bedroom. On my way there, mum tells/asks me "I think you love her more than you love me." I try my best to say "no, I love you more" but she's staring me down. In a way I did love my great-grandmother "more" but it was a different sort of love. I don't think I literally loved her more than I did/do mum, it's just a special sort of love that's unlike that you have for your mother.

Some time passed, maybe a couple or three weeks. Mum was at the wall-phone talking to someone, as I walked through the kitchen paying no attention to what she was saying, mum loudly says "I don't know! I'll ask him..." Mum turned the phone away from her ear and looked at me. She said "David! Do you want to go visit your grandmother?!!" I looked down to the ground because I felt mum didn't want to go back there. I thought she didn't want to take me back because I'd asked her throughout the time that had passed since our last visit, but mum had told me "Not today, David." I remembered how mum believed I didn't love her as much and felt as though it was wrong to say "yes!!" and so, I told her "No..." Mum went back to the phonecall and said "No, we're not coming.... I don't know? I just asked him and he said he didn't want to." I was out in the lounge room feeling sad, when I heard mum say something like "ok then, maybe another time. Bye."

A short few days, or so, later. My mum knocked on my bedroom door as I played with my toys in the middle of the floor. Mum opened my door, and says "David, your great-grandmother died." I said "...ok." She shut my door behind her. I l remained on my stomach where I'd been playing a little dumb-founded for a couple of moments and then started kicking my arms and legs in frustration as I made some sort of almost silent screaming. I was so angry and upset, and frustrated. I'd just learned about death. Mum opened the door and peeked in at me while I kicked and flailed my legs and arms. She closed the door again from outside my room and I sat up. Unable to cry, I ... I don't know what I did next, because I don't remember. I think I contemplated death for a while. I'm just not sure. All I remember is that I was at a loss. How I wish I had told mum "yes!!" then gone to see my great-grandmother ((heart)). Only recently did I fully burst into tears for having lost her, and so profusely feeling as though she may not have left me so soon after meeting her that day. I realise she may have died from a broken heart.
 
#2
The love you had for her was so sweet. You were willing to give away even your most prized posessions to her.

How I wish I had told mum "yes!!" then gone to see my great-grandmother ((heart))
Please don't feel any guilt over this. Your mother may have simply not wanted you to go. She may have asked in a tone intended to get you to say no, and in any case, she probably could have guessed from your dejected look that what you really meant was "yes". Saying "yes" wouldn't have necessarily changed anything.

I realise she may have died from a broken heart
I know it's strange for me to say a thing with confidence, but I want to say it that way anyway. She never doubted that you loved her.
 

Jedizen

Well-Known Member
#3
The love you had for her was so sweet. You were willing to give away even your most prized posessions to her.


Please don't feel any guilt over this. Your mother may have simply not wanted you to go. She may have asked in a tone intended to get you to say no, and in any case, she probably could have guessed from your dejected look that what you really meant was "yes". Saying "yes" wouldn't have necessarily changed anything.


I know it's strange for me to say a thing with confidence, but I want to say it that way anyway. She never doubted that you loved her.
I really bloody hope she did know that, may :'(
Maybe she died really alone and lost without someone to come talk to her
I'm despairing atm and have been in sh mode since I wrote about her passing etc
I've not done much damage to myself but once I actually decide to, it's going to be bad - it always is
<3
Thanks for your kind reply, may *hug ... if ok
 
#5
I haven't read through your previous posts enough to know if your mum is still around, and if she is someone you could talk to. If she is someone you can talk to, talking to her about this might help
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#6
I'm sorry man. Adults know about complex relationships. I imagine your grandmother knew much more than you realize and she knew very well that you loved her even though you only met briefly. People do not die from broken hearts. I'm sorry you're still feeling guilt about this but you really don't need to if you can.
 

Jedizen

Well-Known Member
#7
I haven't read through your previous posts enough to know if your mum is still around, and if she is someone you could talk to. If she is someone you can talk to, talking to her about this might help
I tried bringing up my grief with mum but she wasn't able to remember me having a/any grandmother :/ mum and are never able to talk about much of anything because her memory is so poor - it shits me to tears.

I'm sorry man. Adults know about complex relationships. I imagine your grandmother knew much more than you realize and she knew very well that you loved her even though you only met briefly. People do not die from broken hearts. I'm sorry you're still feeling guilt about this but you really don't need to if you can.
I don't know how to move on, tbh. I can't forgive myself. I think I'm a shitty person for refusing to see her - you're right that I need to stop feeling guilty.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
Staff member
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Supporter
#8
You were a kid, that's what you have to remember here. Kids try to please parents. You lived with your mom and that's who you were going to try to please. You may have really loved this woman you'd just met but you had to *live* with you mother. Even little kid brains get that.
 

Jedizen

Well-Known Member
#10
You were a kid, that's what you have to remember here. Kids try to please parents. You lived with your mom and that's who you were going to try to please. You may have really loved this woman you'd just met but you had to *live* with you mother. Even little kid brains get that.
Yes, I think you're right about me "getting" that I had to live with my mum, and that was a contributing factor. Come to think of it, I vaguely remember having a desire to avoid upsetting her, and wanting to help convince her that she was my favorite. Thank you for helping me with this *hug
Do you think she authentically forgot, or do you think she might be using memory as an excuse not to talk about these things?
I'm not sure, mum also blanks out on trivial events, and I honestly don't believe she would take her "forgetfulness for avoidance" behaviours that far. She simply isn't the sort of person who would go to those lengths to cover up past traumatic, etc events.
I also know that, over the years, she's complained to me that she continuously forgets bad things my step dad has done to her - and only "knows" about them from reading old diaries where she's recorded it (and recently re-read).
Absent while I was very young because she smoked weed, and now absent minded through memory-loss issues caused by it. She continues to complain that's she has early-onset dementia, which I'm pretty sure she doesn't, because she isn't exhibiting the signs of it, and because I think it's drug abuse related.
 

Jedizen

Well-Known Member
#12
I wonder if it would even help to tell her the story about what happened, even if she doesn't remember
I thank you for suggesting this idea as it's something I hadn't considered. I'm working on my relationship with her and feel that possibly reminding her of what happend back then (possible, because unlikely), might upset our fragile connection/bond which I seek to improve. I certainly wont forget this option as a possibilty, though, it would be best not to reconsider it until after I've forgiven her for the aforementioned words and actions in the OP.

may *hug
 
#16
Sorry does sound like your mum was jealous maybe her being adopted caused these issues and so she saw your love as a threat to loving her so you had this special moment and her insecurities got in the way of it... the going back to get your toy was probably her way of trying to 'win you back' despite her tone which would have been unpleasant as its triggered her own issues. You still had that special time and connected anyway. Your great grandmother would have been very receptive to your mums mood at the time and probably wasn't confident it would be approved anyway. In other words she would have known it was your mother's behaviour that stopped that visit so would have known you probably wished to see her but couldn't. People would rarely knock on someone's door asking for their sons toy back that their son had given them unless they were in a jealousy mood especially the shame it brought on you which showed on your face. There are very wise grandmother's and great grandmother's they have lived and seen it all despite being frail she would have picked it up. She might have known she was not long for this earth and only phoned due to that knowledge which prompted her to call as otherwise would have found it too uncomfortable with your mother acting way she did. No adults blame children for a parents behaviour so settle in this peace she loved you and you loved her and neither of you doubted that connection. ❤️
 

Jedizen

Well-Known Member
#17
Brokendownwreck

I appreciate your reassurance but I can't shake the belief that my refusal to go there (and so point-blankly, flatly at that), had somehow caused some doubt for my beloved great-grandmother. It's a nice thought, however :) It may have been the case, that she really knew it was my mother's issue at hand but I'll never know.

I agree that mum's sad and difficult childhood has led her to be touchy and come off as uncaring even. But I'm not an expert in such things and it's very difficult for me to comprehend adequately. Perhaps, I should study these developmental anomalies so I can be there for her with more respect and consideration, etc.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and for your consideration <3
 
#18
Brokendownwreck

I appreciate your reassurance but I can't shake the belief that my refusal to go there (and so point-blankly, flatly at that), had somehow caused some doubt for my beloved great-grandmother. It's a nice thought, however :) It may have been the case, that she really knew it was my mother's issue~stop right there ❤️


Been round elderly most my life they pick up on the most subtle behaviour or just knowings so often I used to think they were psychic, took me long time to realise their 'knowing things' was living a long life and understanding people's behaviours and picking up on the subtlest things about another knowing what that person was like in one meetings, My mother noticed her mother was like that too wondering how they know things about people having met briefly say her friends and being able to give correct assessments and what would be outcome of situations. I once worked in a retirement home and same thing I walked in really looking confident and an elderly lady took one look at me and said ' don't let them see you are frightened dear they will go for you if you show it" how did she know? I looked super confident, because every elderly person I've met shocks me with their abilities to pick up on things most of us can't. I spent a long time in those homes constantly surprised at how they would give an insight at just right time about something that nobody else could pick up on always about a stranger coming in Never underestimate their wisdom. It's help me lots in life. One things I notice is they never let on or tell the person directly they keep quiet then tell you behind their back. With my nan she had the ability to look like she had no understanding of someone to their face almost jolly but minute she closed door she would say exactly what she thought about them( my friend first meeting with social worker anyone she didn't know) and would be right
This is why I never pretend when meeting elderly people, I a) know they will see through me like tissue paper & b) mention the assessment behind my back to someone lol
I can't help to ease your guilt but what you described she knew what was happening and no doubt why it was happening. Ie your mother saying no when she directly asked you just reconfirmed it to her not that she wouldn't have already made an accurate assessment after that incident ❤️
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$280.00
Goal
$255.00
Top