So from around the age of 4 I grew up without my father around, and when I was 13 I sadly got told my father had passed away. This really hit me as from a young age I used to sit and pray to god that I hoped he’d come and visit me someday. So when I found out this news it crushed me as I knew I’d never get to meet him again. I’m now 21 and last year I met his family for the first time as I couldn’t remember them from when I younger, it’s been a hard journey and I’ve visited them around 5 times but they don’t make effort with me. I really struggle with guilt in this situation and feel as though I could have done more to see my dad around the ages of 10+ instead of just hoping that he would visit me one day. This guilt has progressed further as 3 months ago a person within my friendship group died from prostate cancer just before his 21st birthday. I couldn’t help but feel incredibly guilty for mourning his death. I grew up with him through high school as he was in my year and we exchanged conversations but it wasn’t till the last couple of months of his life I saw him a lot more, I was always out with him and we’d say hey how are you etc as our friendship group went out together, around 15 of us but I’d never get into a deep conversation with him. Once he passed away though I’d feel like his presence would come into the room as I was so used to him being there with my friendship group but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for even being sad for his passing as there was people a lot closer to him than me, so why should I feel sad? He’s constantly in my dreams though, I dream a lot about saying goodbye to him and crying to him and desperately trying to salvage any memory of him (all this happening in my dreams) and when I wake up it sets me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I just want advice really on how I’m feeling as it’s been really getting me down.