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Guilt

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Annp1uk, Feb 24, 2018.

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  1. Annp1uk

    Annp1uk New Member

    So from around the age of 4 I grew up without my father around, and when I was 13 I sadly got told my father had passed away. This really hit me as from a young age I used to sit and pray to god that I hoped he’d come and visit me someday. So when I found out this news it crushed me as I knew I’d never get to meet him again. I’m now 21 and last year I met his family for the first time as I couldn’t remember them from when I younger, it’s been a hard journey and I’ve visited them around 5 times but they don’t make effort with me.

    I really struggle with guilt in this situation and feel as though I could have done more to see my dad around the ages of 10+ instead of just hoping that he would visit me one day.

    This guilt has progressed further as 3 months ago a person within my friendship group died from prostate cancer just before his 21st birthday. I couldn’t help but feel incredibly guilty for mourning his death. I grew up with him through high school as he was in my year and we exchanged conversations but it wasn’t till the last couple of months of his life I saw him a lot more, I was always out with him and we’d say hey how are you etc as our friendship group went out together, around 15 of us but I’d never get into a deep conversation with him. Once he passed away though I’d feel like his presence would come into the room as I was so used to him being there with my friendship group but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for even being sad for his passing as there was people a lot closer to him than me, so why should I feel sad? He’s constantly in my dreams though, I dream a lot about saying goodbye to him and crying to him and desperately trying to salvage any memory of him (all this happening in my dreams) and when I wake up it sets me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

    I just want advice really on how I’m feeling as it’s been really getting me down.
     
  2. Alwayswrong

    Alwayswrong Well-Known Member

    Hi, @Annp1uk . As far as I've been reading, guilt is a very natural feeling in grief. Besides, when your Father passed away, you were just a kid. And you did the most heartwarming thing a child can do: pray. And by mourning your friend you're NOT mourning your Father less.Even if there were closer friends, there isn't any measuring device to see who must suffer more.
     
  3. JulieDegraw

    JulieDegraw Well-Known Member

    All we have to hold on to is the things we did in a particular moment and time. If it felt right at the time, it most likely was. Hindsight is an enemy. You mustn't blame yourself for not reaching out to your father at the age of only 10. You were only a child. And as for your friend. He was a part of the gang which I'm sure he really appreciated. You were a friend to him and cared about him which he probably knew and felt and maybe that was enough. Could've, would've, should've will only get you stuck in the past and that does you no good. Think about the things you DID do and be confident that it was the only thing you COULD do.

    I hope this makes just a little bit of sense :)
     
    Alwayswrong likes this.