I'm an unemployed (high school educated) 22 y/o leech living with my parents, hiding in my bedroom most of the time but do a couple chores and walk the dog. Manage to shower about once a week, mostly manage to brush my teeth, almost never manage to stay out of bed.
So, I had been daydreaming a lot of my day away or trying to distract myself with reading or whatever. Recently, though, it's been catching up with me and the fact that I make my parent's financial situation worse (by costing money) and that I'm a waste of space etc have caught up.
I have been either jobsearching and applying to jobs (had a job over a year ago at a factory and it was anxiety all day followed by anxiety with fatigue, then I would be crying before the end of the day and at home either unable to force myself to even eat or crying/autisticly freaking out for the rest of the evening. I couldn't derive any joy out of anything.). I'm not in a good area for not being able to drive, but still a job means money and money is more important than whether or not I want to kill myself.
uhhh, so- it's partially swirling negative thoughts about how worthless I am, but also physical symptoms like trembling, sweating, stomach pain, headache (feels something like a migraine but idk) and feeling "out of it" or unreal. in the past year I gradually because able to kinda feel happy at times, and that never lasted because I feel I'm not allowed to be happy, but now it's so much worse. My mum made a joke and I nearly broke down crying AGAIN because I can't even laugh a little.
I keep trying to search the internet to try and find out if I'm ill enough to get benefits or something, but at the same time I don't want to be a scrounger and though daily life gives me emotional distress I can walk, I can raise my arms... I quit self harm a few years ago now so I'm probably not ill enough... though I'm freaking out so bad I can't get myself to eat and can't get anything done without getting really really tired and achey. I kinda want someone to say "it's ok, you can stay home (and get money)" but I can't possibly be ill enough and I would probably still feel guilty for receiving the money.
I made a doctor's appt but I don't know how I would explain how I've dealt in the last year because I can barely remember it... I got a diagnosis for Aspergers and they said I should pursue further therapy but I've just been hiding in my room, being a waste of space... I have nothing to offer the world, I wish my parents never had me, because if I killed myself they'd be upset and I already do nothing but make things harder for them.
So, I had been daydreaming a lot of my day away or trying to distract myself with reading or whatever. Recently, though, it's been catching up with me and the fact that I make my parent's financial situation worse (by costing money) and that I'm a waste of space etc have caught up.
I have been either jobsearching and applying to jobs (had a job over a year ago at a factory and it was anxiety all day followed by anxiety with fatigue, then I would be crying before the end of the day and at home either unable to force myself to even eat or crying/autisticly freaking out for the rest of the evening. I couldn't derive any joy out of anything.). I'm not in a good area for not being able to drive, but still a job means money and money is more important than whether or not I want to kill myself.
uhhh, so- it's partially swirling negative thoughts about how worthless I am, but also physical symptoms like trembling, sweating, stomach pain, headache (feels something like a migraine but idk) and feeling "out of it" or unreal. in the past year I gradually because able to kinda feel happy at times, and that never lasted because I feel I'm not allowed to be happy, but now it's so much worse. My mum made a joke and I nearly broke down crying AGAIN because I can't even laugh a little.
I keep trying to search the internet to try and find out if I'm ill enough to get benefits or something, but at the same time I don't want to be a scrounger and though daily life gives me emotional distress I can walk, I can raise my arms... I quit self harm a few years ago now so I'm probably not ill enough... though I'm freaking out so bad I can't get myself to eat and can't get anything done without getting really really tired and achey. I kinda want someone to say "it's ok, you can stay home (and get money)" but I can't possibly be ill enough and I would probably still feel guilty for receiving the money.
I made a doctor's appt but I don't know how I would explain how I've dealt in the last year because I can barely remember it... I got a diagnosis for Aspergers and they said I should pursue further therapy but I've just been hiding in my room, being a waste of space... I have nothing to offer the world, I wish my parents never had me, because if I killed myself they'd be upset and I already do nothing but make things harder for them.
