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- Thread starter LumberJack
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Sorry it's bad @LumberJack . Are there any short term things you could do, or plan to do, as a distraction? Or a visit to someplace beautiful?
Sending care, and a hope for peace.
Please keep us posted.
Sending care, and a hope for peace.
Please keep us posted.
@LumberJack I wish you didn't wish this, that pain would leave. Sending a large hug if that helps. They would not understand, even if they knew how miserable you feel, not am.
Stay with us.
Maybe talk about what the sad stuff is, here, where it is safe?
Stay with us.
Maybe talk about what the sad stuff is, here, where it is safe?
I canāt stand who I am. My depression is always telling me I am some kind of monster. Iām not a bad person, but not a saint either. Iām a decent person- I mind my own business and do my best not to hurt anyone.
Thatās not good enough. Nobody really likes me; my phone never rings. I guess Iām not entertaining enough for people. I donāt care about fame and fortune. I just want a few close friends. And actually I have some friends, but Iāve been isolating.
Because Iām sad and in pain and I donāt want them to feel like they could have done more if I lose this fight. I have a couple professionals trying to help me and they are worried. Maybe they should be. It feels so difficult to stay above ground. I want to give up. I want to rest.
When I start seriously planning to end it, I feel this sense of relief and peace. But that would be selfish. I mean I really donāt want to hurt other people and a suicide on my part would hurt a lot of people. I wish I could just fade away and be forgotten. Iām already halfway there since Iām basically invisible.
Thatās not good enough. Nobody really likes me; my phone never rings. I guess Iām not entertaining enough for people. I donāt care about fame and fortune. I just want a few close friends. And actually I have some friends, but Iāve been isolating.
Because Iām sad and in pain and I donāt want them to feel like they could have done more if I lose this fight. I have a couple professionals trying to help me and they are worried. Maybe they should be. It feels so difficult to stay above ground. I want to give up. I want to rest.
When I start seriously planning to end it, I feel this sense of relief and peace. But that would be selfish. I mean I really donāt want to hurt other people and a suicide on my part would hurt a lot of people. I wish I could just fade away and be forgotten. Iām already halfway there since Iām basically invisible.
I guess what I hope for is that you can bear the pain while navigating a way to go on. Maybe getting less lonely by contacting a friend? What does it feel like if you aren't invisible; I mean, did you head toward isolating in a sh kind of way? You are decent as you said, and articulate and seem like an extra thoughtful person.
You (we all) need rest, in between the struggles to stay above ground. Sometimes the kind of rest we need is actually play. To get the mind and body away from loops and drudgery and engoage both in something kind of fun. I don't know, just a thought.
I'm glad you have some professional input right now Lumber Jack.
Please take care.
You (we all) need rest, in between the struggles to stay above ground. Sometimes the kind of rest we need is actually play. To get the mind and body away from loops and drudgery and engoage both in something kind of fun. I don't know, just a thought.
I'm glad you have some professional input right now Lumber Jack.
Please take care.
I wish I could just fade away and be forgotten. Iām already halfway there since Iām basically invisible.
@LumberJack I see you. You are not invisible.
You are wonderful, truly. A wonder of creation that I am personally quite tickled to know.
You keep working with your support team, you are worth it.
@LumberJack I see you. You are not invisible.
You are wonderful, truly. A wonder of creation that I am personally quite tickled to know.
You keep working with your support team, you are worth it.
I wish I could see myself as someone worth seeing. I'm not doing well. I had to call off work yesterday and I barely made it through today. It just f-in hurts. I saw my therapist today and talked about the urges. She did not think I needed to go inpatient, but I was considering it last night.
The weird thing is that I can keep up a semblance of being functional when I am going through this. I believe this is due to my experience putting up a front when I was still drinking. I can present well while still being unsure of my life when alone.
My therapist's advice was to focus on self-care. Sleeping, exercise, nutrition, and so on. I should spend some time doing something I used to enjoy, like playing music. I'm hoping that doing this will somehow get me out of the downward spiral I'm in.
The weird thing is that I can keep up a semblance of being functional when I am going through this. I believe this is due to my experience putting up a front when I was still drinking. I can present well while still being unsure of my life when alone.
My therapist's advice was to focus on self-care. Sleeping, exercise, nutrition, and so on. I should spend some time doing something I used to enjoy, like playing music. I'm hoping that doing this will somehow get me out of the downward spiral I'm in.
Very glad you stopped driinking. A friend of mine who stopped a couple decades ago says he will never not be an alcoholic. So, I guess he meant that functionality, that ability to hide behind a filter? So in a a way you've already started the self care in stopping alcohol.
That was and is what keeps me from sliding back down into the pit; what your therapist said: sleeping, exercise, nutrition, leisure/fun stuff. A set time for each and in moderate amounts.
You're worth seeing. You're worth the work it takes to get the habits established. hugs @LumberJack
That was and is what keeps me from sliding back down into the pit; what your therapist said: sleeping, exercise, nutrition, leisure/fun stuff. A set time for each and in moderate amounts.
You're worth seeing. You're worth the work it takes to get the habits established. hugs @LumberJack
@LumberJack just wanted you to know I am reading this and keeping up.
I'm doing better. Got some naps in this weekend, which helps. I am exercising, which is good, but still eating more sugar and junk than real food. The self-care definitely makes things better, but it isn't the whole solution. It feels like all I do while awake is aimed at mitigating my depression, and I'm only barely making a dent in it. I don't want to do anything that is expected of me. It's so much it's overwhelming, and talking to friends is hit or miss because of course anyone is going to be rarely available, and they have their own problems to deal with. I don't want to be alive, but I don't want to kill myself either. I wish I could let go of my obsession with suicide, and that is what I am working on with my therapist. It occurs to me that I am missing my life while wishing I didn't have it. If I could get out of this depression, maybe I could have a normal (not aiming for happy, just okayish) life.
Aaaand just like that I get worse again. Such a roller coaster. The mood this time is a little less intense than usual though, so maybe that is progress. I think that i was feeling better so I stopped putting as much effort into managing depression. Now itās back and Iām in pain, again. I wonder what would happen if I used my tools constantly instead of waiting for trouble? This takes a lot of effort, though and I wish I could take a break from time to time.
It's the same for me atm. But I hope the slide into the darker stuff can stop its oscillating for you (and myself). It's good to hear you've been noticing progress. It seems to me, or I wish anyway that we should be able to take a break from exercise and other tools.
hug @LumberJack .
hug @LumberJack .
So today I have not been concentrating well because of intrusive thoughts that I should kill myself and that I just want to die. I donāt really want to, but these thoughts are taking on a life of their own.
I have therapy on Wednesday. I have an audio book about intrusive thoughts and I want to go revisit it after work. Iām so sad that it hurts physically.
Iām trying to think about how I could be more connected to nature. Iām glad I donāt live on a farm, but intuitively it seems like some contact with plants and animals might be helpful.
I have therapy on Wednesday. I have an audio book about intrusive thoughts and I want to go revisit it after work. Iām so sad that it hurts physically.
Iām trying to think about how I could be more connected to nature. Iām glad I donāt live on a farm, but intuitively it seems like some contact with plants and animals might be helpful.
Hey @LumberJack just wanted to know I am reading this and am in your corner.
You are brilliant and thoughtful and I am glad to know you.
You are brilliant and thoughtful and I am glad to know you.
