here i am again

[foundlostsoul]

hi everyone. so here i am again. yesterday i picked up a method. not a "good" one if any method is good, but one i have access to. i put it down immediately and reached out to the crisis text line, and that helped. but i am so fucking tired. i really am failing to see any path forward to happiness for me beyond the fleeting. i hate that i keep ending up here. i started a new antidepressant today. but really, if i could snap my fingers and stop existing, or better yet have never existed so the few people who care about me wouldn't feel the grief of losing me, i totally would. 100%. my summer was so good. i had facial feminization surgery a few months ago and i don't want to speak poorly of that intervention because transition at least gave me a chance of happiness. and a hate myself a lot less than i used to but i also still just don't want to keep going.

mostly i'm just venting. i don't know what advice anybody can give me. i hate so much of my life, but at least i don't think i'm a monster anymore. transition gave me that. but it's also come with its own set of challenges that seem increasingly insurmountable. i can't win. so why play?

 

[may71]

hi everyone

Hello

I'm glad the crisis line helped. I hope you can either get rid of your method, or at least make it hard to access.

my summer was so good. i had facial feminization surgery a few months ago

That's good. I'm glad it went well. I'm also sorry it hasn't helped enough to make you not suicidal.

it's also come with its own set of challenges that seem increasingly insurmountable

Do you want to say what those challenges are?

 

[foundlostsoul]

Do you want to say what those challenges are?

sorry, i was just being dramatic. i have a lot of numbness. part of my mouth is still 100% numb. but it's not that bad.

 

[LumberJack]

I don’t know what I could say about your choices moving forward. I can say that I support you in whatever moves you towards becoming who you truly are and being comfortable in your own skin.

 

[foundlostsoul]

Hey, thank you all for your support. I had another post-op followup today, and it went well. I have to be patient. But I am feeling emotionally a lot better. I've been reconnecting with people where I was feeling highly irrational anxiety. Not judging myself for that but that is what makes it social anxiety disorder for me and not just feelin' a little awkward.

 

[1964dodge]

hi everyone. so here i am again. yesterday i picked up a method. not a "good" one if any method is good, but one i have access to. i put it down immediately and reached out to the crisis text line, and that helped. but i am so fucking tired. i really am failing to see any path forward to happiness for me beyond the fleeting. i hate that i keep ending up here. i started a new antidepressant today. but really, if i could snap my fingers and stop existing, or better yet have never existed so the few people who care about me wouldn't feel the grief of losing me, i totally would. 100%. my summer was so good. i had facial feminization surgery a few months ago and i don't want to speak poorly of that intervention because transition at least gave me a chance of happiness. and a hate myself a lot less than i used to but i also still just don't want to keep going.

mostly i'm just venting. i don't know what advice anybody can give me. i hate so much of my life, but at least i don't think i'm a monster anymore. transition gave me that. but it's also come with its own set of challenges that seem increasingly insurmountable. i can't win. so why play?

venting is good, i just vented on my update page. when we vent we get things off our chest and we can actully feel like we are heard and that other people actually care.

your future probably will have some pain and hopelessness in it but it's possible it can still have joy. for me those little bits of joy and love help me get through the pain and frustration. please don't give up. it may be a good idea to throw the method away or if you prefer bring it to a friends house. this way you know its there but you won't act on impulse. i hope things work out for you positively in the future

mike....

 

[foundlostsoul]

Thanks, Mike. Without going into details, there are so many non-method methods, so there's no real way to remove all of them, especially when they're of practical day-to-day use. Thankfully I have never been in such an irrational state that I engaged with a non-method method since I was a child.

 

[foundlostsoul]

And I appreciate your support <3