I haven’t posted in awhile. I don’t know why. Busy, worried, unsure if it’s helpimg. I dunno. But I’ve been spiraling ever downward on my path of paranoia and delusions. My morbid curiosity has also surged and I’m finding myself entirely too interested in disturbing things. I’m really struggling to get a grip on myself, but part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to see how dark I can get before I finally die. But another part of me is too scared to wait that long. See, I’ve developed this theory that I’ve started worrying may actually be very true and each day I get closer to fully committing to it...my brother and I are very close, not like that, but close as in we care about each other and any problems one of us has is had by us both. Lately I’ve noted a trend in our health patterns. When I feel physically well, he begins to have problems and vice versa. It would explain why all these years he’s been relatively healthy while I’ve been plagued with problem after problem despite us being nearly identical in behaviors. About a month or so ago, my heart issue had began to let up and in turn so did my mental health, but suddenly my brother began having pain in his knee so bad he could barely walk and his ADHD, long since been considered a problem of the past, resurfaced and began to effect his work and his sleep. While he began to spiral, I suddenly felt lighter than air. I was able to work on my writing and get house work done for the first time in months....I noticed it, but at first thought it a coincidence. Then a week ago, my brother went to a specialist who gave him a brace that significantly reduced his pain and he was able to relax again. So guess what happened? My stomach issue flared up and I began having bigger issues breathing and doing physical activities again, despite no real change in my habits. So I sit here thinking, what if this is all true and all legitimate? Does that mean I must suffer so he doesn't? And if that’s true, how? How do I make sure I’m the one that suffers? I guess you pretty much see what conclusion I’ve begun to form.
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