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Homosexuality: A ticket to a cursed life?

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Luka M

Voices in my head
#1
I am 24 years old and I have been gay for like - forever. A closeted one to be specific.

How do you live life when you have to deal with a homophobic, ex-police officer father and an overly religious mother who believes that the third sex is an abomination and anyone who is gay or lesbian is going to hell.

Hiding your sexuality is both excruciating and hilarious at the same time. I couldn't even believe myself about how I pretended to be straight and dated women like how I did with my ex girlfriend who actually knew I was having some sexuality issues and eventually broke up with me because she didn't want to date a fag and stated "At the end of the day, a man is what I will be sleeping with." and darn, she was never wrong with that. I wonder if I was straight and we could have a been married and got a child right now. The only problem is that I never loved her or even had feelings for her because I only "used" her to hide what I truly am. How selfish I am to do that and I feel bad about it until now. I hope there is redemption and forgiveness for that.

When I was in high school, I didn't really had a lot of friends, and I knew I was an introvert but I also didn't trust anyone because I was more than afraid to get close to anyone that they might smell my scent of "gayness" and tell people about it. I didn't want my parents to know because they want me to carry the torch of our family's legacy and be a law enforcer like my dad but I told them that I didn't want to because I had plans for my own that I was a person with dreams to put to realization. They were immediately disappointed so I couldn't fathom them knowing the fact that I was gay. I knew I needed to stay in the shadows of my own broken soul to rid myself of any possible conflict.

I remember back then I was going to college when people started to notice me to be a little girly that they would assume that I was gay but I would not talk about it. I didn't know what to do because I couldn't not act gay. How do you not act like a homo? I tried. I always do but they will always make me feel like an outcast like some sort of an alien. They didn't like it. Some even bullied me and others weren't so understanding. Not everyone disagreed and some people think I was just being myself that I had the right to claim a happy life, a gay life. I was glad some did support it and I was grateful. But in the end, I was never favored to it.

I started having feelings for guys but I was too afraid to tell them especially this certain guy who I lately found out was actually bisexual so that was an opportunity lost because I liked him a lot. We chatted on Facebook and told him how I really felt. But again, I was rejected! This never ending cycle of pain and suffering goes out like a typhoon of burning hot lava and there was no way out. To live was like to be burnt over and over again.

The day finally came when my family finally knew about it and I didn't deny it. I asked myself if I did the right thing or not? They were devastated and I felt like a thousand knives stabbed me. They threatened to kick me out if people would know because it will ruin our family's reputation. I didn't have a choice and I guess they're right so I did what must be done therefore into the shadows I go.

I am a prisoner of my own soul since I, myself can't accept this ordeal and it might sound ridiculous but I have been struggling to find a cure but I knew I was too immature and naive to know that there is none. I don't know if I was born this way and I don't want to argue with it because it is something that even people with great knowledge have a hard time to explain.

For now, I am currently working as a collecting agent in a legal firm here in the Philippines.
People know me as a girly guy (for a lack of a better term) but they didn't or will never know that I am a homosexual who still hides in the bottomless pit of the abyss. Should I stay like this and preserve my family's sacred legacy but be forever unhappy? Or should I come out of the closet find my true calling? I don't know if it is still worth it. I just don't know. I could have just killed myself and ended the pain of curiosity but I'm still here. I'm still alive. I still try because I know there is a light beyond the shadows. I'm starting to give up. I don't know. I'm tired. What should I do now?
 
#2
No you should not be forever unhappy to preserve your family's legacy. Human connections are an important part of life and sharing who you are authentically is a part of forming solid connections.

I'm sorry to hear how your family has reacted but there are people who will accept you regardless of sexual orientation, which is only one aspect of a person anyway.
I'm glad however that you did find the strength to let them know, and more so that you were able to be honest with yourself so that you don't have to mislead any women, in attempting to hide who you are.

P.S. "straight" people get rejected also, a lot even at times. So, try not to put too much weight on the recent rejection. There are many other guys out there. You can start exploring slowly perhaps. Do you know anyone else who is gay who is in or around your social circle that you can maybe speak to or hang out with a bit?
 
#3
Yo I'm sorry you were brought up with that kinda mindset. God don't hate gay people. God don't hate anyone, God hates the sin not the sinner. This isn't worth killin yourself over. I had a good friend of mine try to kill himself for the same reason thankfully, he failed. Don't want ya goin down the same path man. I'm sure you'll meet someone keep tryin. I know there's datin websites and other things ya can try. There are plenty of dudes who seem "feminine" and aren't gay so people around ya shouldn't be so worried bout it it ain't their business either way.
 
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