How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Lady Wolfshead]

it was a bad night with violent nightmares

I hate nightmares so much. Even just disturbing dreams.

 

[Aurelia]

it was a bad night with violent nightmares

I have them too. My last one was walking into a room and there was rope and notes coming from the ceiling telling me I should die and kill myself, like hang myself basically. I'm not suicidal, so that freaked me out. I don't know why I dreamt that.

 

[AvidFan]

I been having weirder and weirder dreams lately. Not remembering them as well as I used to - just remembering that I dreamt very vividly and thought it was real. I'm OK today, managed to sleep in and I have one phone meeting otherwise the rest of the day I can chill out or work on remote projects as little or as much as I like (servers permitting!). In fact it's now looking like the run up to Christmas will be the sanest ever - weeks of light work and minimal commute, then 2 weeks off altogether (assuming I can rebuild my holiday fund after it all went to the tax people!). Thinking of which, I will tune in and see if our delightful (/s) government have given us plebs any early Christmas presents...

 

[Angie]

I'm hurting, and troubled

The holidays are a time that my wife delighted in, especially cooking for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I remember our first Thanksgiving was actually several weeks early, we had finally met (after a long distance involvement) but we wouldn't be together for the official day. Watching her prepare a full meal, barefoot in her studio apartment, a floor-length skirt, both of us glowing to be with each other. She cut up big chunks of cheese, and used impossible amounts of butter in her oven-baked macaroni and cheese casserole. We had ham, and greens, and Hawaiian rolls, everything, just for the two of us. Pumpkin pie, maybe apple, too. We both knew something serious was happening. A little over a month later, we had our first apartment.
That next Thanksgiving, we'd been living together almost a year at that time, choosing to start in a city that was new for both of us. Again the homemade mac and cheese, scalloped potatoes, greens, Hawaiian rolls, this time a turkey, too. Stuffing, sparkling juice instead of wine. Desserts.
And the next ones, in our permanent home, although they were so similar that they've become one memory. I wish I could remember more of them, over our 14 years together.
I'm finding the anger, frustration, loneliness are back strong, after I'd reached a state of acceptance for awhile. Someone at her funeral told me I'd been cheated, and I think that's true. It's times like this I think about giving the big Fuck You to the universe, there's no more work for me here, and I'm tempted to leave early.
I won't, but sometimes it seems like an attractive option, again.

peace

Holidays can be so difficult. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Searchingforhope]

Feeling anxious about stupid things and dreading the next few days

 

[Sb37]

Utterly hopeless and helpless, and feeling like what the hell is the point of it all and why am I here? "I don't get it" should be put on my headstone.

 

[HappyKitty]

Damn my psychologist is a pro- he found a thought that made me sick. Like I threw up. the most triggering thing that been released.

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

I haven't slept well for quite some time. It seems like no matter how much I get, it's never enough.

 

[AvidFan]

I haven't slept well for quite some time. It seems like no matter how much I get, it's never enough.

Sorry to hear this, I have bouts with insomnia most of the time. It can also be a symptom of depression or burnout if you're sleeping but not feeling refreshed. I hope it will sort itself out soon for you!

 

[1Lefty]

it was a bad night with violent nightmares

(((hugs)))

peace

 

[AvidFan]

I was feeling shaky and wobbly, took my blood pressure and it was 145/95 😱 My usual reading is 108/75. I sat quietly and tried to relax and it was crawling back down. When the systolic went normal my diastolic was still 90 - the territory of creeping strokes and other issues. I decided to force myself for a run, still felt shaky when I got back but after a sit down took blood pressure and it was down to 102/72 - it really is true that exercise lowers blood pressure. I think it was probably a benzo wave, those things can come a long time after the tide has set out due to the half life of these things. I hope that wave has used up its energy and I can go back to a nice window. I also feel tired, so I am having a rest!

 

[AvidFan]

I'm feeling quite relieved now, I'd been worried about my remote job performance as we rarely get feedback unless we do something wrong (and I've never actually had any feedback apart from continued work!). I'd been worrying about my work quality but it must have been OK, as I've just been promoted to a special project at a higher rate of pay, which now makes 2 special projects that are vying for my skills! I'd better get showered and look at this new stuff, I enjoy working on the new ones!!

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

I just feel all emotional. I want to hide from everything - even the one thing that keeps me going.

 

[Searchingforhope]

I just feel all emotional. I want to hide from everything - even the one thing that keeps me going.

i absolutely know this feeling. I also just want to hide right now

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

And now I'm crying, which gives me even more of a reason to hide. I can't and won't be seen as weak.

 

[Windhover]

I'm feeling a little better in that the anxiety has dropped off. The sirens and traffic noises of this city aren't triggering me as much so I know I'm a bit calmer. Otherthanthat, I'm sad and lonely for the partner, even though, through my choice, we're not together. I cannot but always want to skip this part of how a human experiences reality. What reality is - unimaginably tiny and vast all at the same time and that is a conversation which is not for this thread.

 

[Windhover]

And now I'm crying, which gives me even more of a reason to hide. I can't and won't be seen as weak.

Sorry you're crying. I hope your hiding place gives you some comfort and peace.

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

Sorry you're crying. I hope your hiding place gives you some comfort and peace.

It would if I didn't have stuff to do today.

 

[Searchingforhope]

And now I'm crying, which gives me even more of a reason to hide. I can't and won't be seen as weak.

I genuinely don’t believe tears make us weak, though I can of course empathise with the feeling that it does. I hope you’ve been able to get the things you needed to done today.

 

[tearsinmycoffee]

I genuinely don’t believe tears make us weak, though I can of course empathise with the feeling that it does. I hope you’ve been able to get the things you needed to done today.

Oh, I was able to, but not without crying in front of someone. I was so embarrassed.