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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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i'm sorry that you had to deal with this. parents should never drag their children into their relationship
mike....
I'm not feeling great rn 
My parents always had a turbulent relationship and they separated in 2016, but the divorce, custody and alimony stuff only got finalised in 2022. My mom and I left our old house last July, and it's become quite a mess since then - warped floors, termites, etc. - because my father hasn't done any consistent upkeep on it (he was living in another property). My father asked me about it today and inquired about some of the stuff left behind, I asked my mom about it so I could respond, and now I've been dragged into an explosive fight between the two of them. My dad is insulting my mom to me through WhatsApp, my mom is making me take screenshots of everything, send it to her, and making me type out similarly scathing responses. The police and lawyers might even get dragged in at this point. I hate having to deal with their issues. I'm 19 now so ig I'm an adult but I've had to do this since I were 11. It's so, so exhausting 💔
My parents always had a turbulent relationship and they separated in 2016, but the divorce, custody and alimony stuff only got finalised in 2022. My mom and I left our old house last July, and it's become quite a mess since then - warped floors, termites, etc. - because my father hasn't done any consistent upkeep on it (he was living in another property). My father asked me about it today and inquired about some of the stuff left behind, I asked my mom about it so I could respond, and now I've been dragged into an explosive fight between the two of them. My dad is insulting my mom to me through WhatsApp, my mom is making me take screenshots of everything, send it to her, and making me type out similarly scathing responses. The police and lawyers might even get dragged in at this point. I hate having to deal with their issues. I'm 19 now so ig I'm an adult but I've had to do this since I were 11. It's so, so exhausting 💔
mike....
I can't catch up with everybody here right now, I wish I could...but I'm feeling quite sore. It makes me bitchy so I have to watch what I say... usually a couple oxycodone works... I'll likely be better after I rest my back. Otherwise I'm ok. I'm torn between moving/not moving... but I love where I vacationed. He wasn't going to rent and now he will, for a very reasonable price. It makes me feel more positive. My older son is doing ok but not the younger. Even through facebook messenger he was asking me for money/food... he has to do it himself. I'll maybe drop off a few groceries but that just opens the door to him relying on me, and it isn't good for him. I caused this by helping too much. I hope he gets better. My psychiatrist understood, I can only be as happy as my happiest child.
The mac degen requires special eye vitamins which I did buy some at the eye doctor's office, but I've found the same thing on Amazon for half the price.
Thanks for support to everyone
Hug @DowntheRabbitHole . I know what you mean about peopling. It's incredibly difficult to find even one person with whom one can be at ease, yet not boring.
what you do with your youngest is of course up to you. i have had to practice a little tough love with my kids as well. i think a lot of parents have to. although we made them stand on their own two feet, we were still obviously concerned. we sometimes left groceries in their car and they knew but they didn't know. most kids make it through this stage of life because they know they will have to stand on their own two feet to survive. from experience i know you are suffering more than he is so hold on and know you are helping him
mike....
mike....
Peopling is hard. Because people are normal and normal is 🥱
That's why you have your... I'm going to type the word give me a moment... I can do this.. Bestie (wasn't so bad)... 🤮
Okay best friend. Sometimes I feel alone too. Even though I find it easy to people. But that's because I'm only showing one thing or side.
Your the only friend I've ever had that I can show evey side too and know and never question you are still there.
Genuinely if there was only one other person in the whole universe with me (and Natalie Portman said no)
I'd chose you.
Because your not alone you mean the world to me.
I know I already messaged. But I want to know I'm always here.
That's why you have your... I'm going to type the word give me a moment... I can do this.. Bestie (wasn't so bad)... 🤮
Okay best friend. Sometimes I feel alone too. Even though I find it easy to people. But that's because I'm only showing one thing or side.
Your the only friend I've ever had that I can show evey side too and know and never question you are still there.
Genuinely if there was only one other person in the whole universe with me (and Natalie Portman said no)
I'd chose you.
Because your not alone you mean the world to me.
I know I already messaged. But I want to know I'm always here.
*sry for language*
That sounds really bad. If you are scared for yourself, I think that shifts the strategy somewhat. How are you in danger? Do you mean physically - or are the messages becoming more vitriolic. I survived physical abuse. That was a problem, but I am over it. The emotional abuse, though. Some scars are unseen. IMHO it would be better to be punched in the face than abused by someone who is supposed to protect you.
So it's really the emotional abuse that is more urgent. I mean, if you are in danger of being hit that is nothing to take lightly. I am just saying the emotional abuse sticks for longer. The advantage of physical danger is that you can remove yourself from it by changing your location.
If it's the fight between them that is going through you - it's time to set up some boundaries. And if they don't respect your boundaries, then walls are called for. Do you know much about boundaries? I didn't even know such a thing existed until I was in my late 30s. If your parents are being soooo un-parent-like, then they probably didn't teach you, or if they did it was crap. It's Friday afternoon, tho, and I am toast mentally. I will need to sleep on this and get back to you when fresh.
What I would offer for right now is that it's perfectly okay for you to be angry. In fact, it is healthy. What you do with that anger is the difficult part. Anger is our instinctive protective mechanism, but when you are protecting yourself (or others) from emotional harms, you can't exactly get out of the situation with a sledgehammer. Setting boundaries for this case could look like flat out refusal to be a conduit for messages between them. I want to say tell them to f- off, but that would most likely escalate the situation and I am going to guess you are not wanting that. In which case, a little tact (but not a lot) will be handy. Don't get emotional with them, but for example in WhatsApp tell dad that you will no longer take messages from him to mom, and vise-versa. This will feel impossible at first. There is a lot of fear in setting boundaries. And the other party initially will get angry more often than not. What has worked for me is to be consistent, and give them consequences for continuing the behavior. However, although they will be angry at first, consistently standing up for yourself will (usually) get them to respect you and your boundaries. If not then more severe intervention is called for, but I am guessing you don't want to go no-contact right away.
The difficulty with that is that if you don't have a strong sense of your own self-worth and an internal locus of control (the belief that you can change your results by changing your behavior), then it will be less likely you will stand up for yourself when needed. In which case that would be a separate topic. If it would be easier I could PM you, or we could start a new thread but I think this topic might derail this thread so I will probably start a general discussion about boundaries in a new thread if that is okay for you. You have worth. All human beings are intrinsically worthy. Even if you've made mistakes that you now regret, that means you have grown and changed, so you can change more. I can't sit here and say it's going to be fine, because I am just a stranger on the internet to you. What I can say is this does not need to be your burden. It may get worse before it gets better, but it can get better.
So it's really the emotional abuse that is more urgent. I mean, if you are in danger of being hit that is nothing to take lightly. I am just saying the emotional abuse sticks for longer. The advantage of physical danger is that you can remove yourself from it by changing your location.
If it's the fight between them that is going through you - it's time to set up some boundaries. And if they don't respect your boundaries, then walls are called for. Do you know much about boundaries? I didn't even know such a thing existed until I was in my late 30s. If your parents are being soooo un-parent-like, then they probably didn't teach you, or if they did it was crap. It's Friday afternoon, tho, and I am toast mentally. I will need to sleep on this and get back to you when fresh.
What I would offer for right now is that it's perfectly okay for you to be angry. In fact, it is healthy. What you do with that anger is the difficult part. Anger is our instinctive protective mechanism, but when you are protecting yourself (or others) from emotional harms, you can't exactly get out of the situation with a sledgehammer. Setting boundaries for this case could look like flat out refusal to be a conduit for messages between them. I want to say tell them to f- off, but that would most likely escalate the situation and I am going to guess you are not wanting that. In which case, a little tact (but not a lot) will be handy. Don't get emotional with them, but for example in WhatsApp tell dad that you will no longer take messages from him to mom, and vise-versa. This will feel impossible at first. There is a lot of fear in setting boundaries. And the other party initially will get angry more often than not. What has worked for me is to be consistent, and give them consequences for continuing the behavior. However, although they will be angry at first, consistently standing up for yourself will (usually) get them to respect you and your boundaries. If not then more severe intervention is called for, but I am guessing you don't want to go no-contact right away.
The difficulty with that is that if you don't have a strong sense of your own self-worth and an internal locus of control (the belief that you can change your results by changing your behavior), then it will be less likely you will stand up for yourself when needed. In which case that would be a separate topic. If it would be easier I could PM you, or we could start a new thread but I think this topic might derail this thread so I will probably start a general discussion about boundaries in a new thread if that is okay for you. You have worth. All human beings are intrinsically worthy. Even if you've made mistakes that you now regret, that means you have grown and changed, so you can change more. I can't sit here and say it's going to be fine, because I am just a stranger on the internet to you. What I can say is this does not need to be your burden. It may get worse before it gets better, but it can get better.