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How Are You Feeling Right Now?

Extremely needy, lonely, alone (alone isn't bad unless it's paired with lonely), frustrated, spiraling, worthless, in loads of pain... needless to say i feel like i am every possible negative thing under and over the moon. This really Fucking sucks!!! *shh*sry for language*
I completely understand. Sorry you're dealing with all the negative energy. Feel free to msg me if you want to talk about it or just want to chat about whatever *sadhug
 

1964dodge

Has a monkey as a friend
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
I find myself feeling confrontational a lot and so I guess I've decided in some way that people are not deserving of my mood so I avoid them altogether.
I'm hoping my end will come naturally soon...
i have always found you to be pleasant and empathic, and please forgive my selfishness but i hope your natural end is years yet to go

mike....*hug*shake
 

1964dodge

Has a monkey as a friend
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
Extremely needy, lonely, alone (alone isn't bad unless it's paired with lonely), frustrated, spiraling, worthless, in loads of pain... needless to say i feel like i am every possible negative thing under and over the moon. This really Fucking sucks!!! *shh*sry for language*
it does suck. parts of life always sucks but i hope you can start to experience more good than bad in your life relatively soon

mike....*hug*console*shake
 
Peopling is hard. Because people are normal and normal is 🥱
That's why you have your... I'm going to type the word give me a moment... I can do this.. Bestie (wasn't so bad)... 🤮

Okay best friend. Sometimes I feel alone too. Even though I find it easy to people. But that's because I'm only showing one thing or side.
Your the only friend I've ever had that I can show evey side too and know and never question you are still there.

Genuinely if there was only one other person in the whole universe with me (and Natalie Portman said no)

I'd chose you.
Because your not alone you mean the world to me.
I know I already messaged. But I want to know I'm always here.
Sweet friendship blossoming..😊😊😊
 
This is a post for everyone in here, just wanting you all to know that while I may not very often “reply to each individual post” here, I do read many of them and care a lot. Whether it is about suffering/stress/worry/pain of some kind or whatever else, or when people say they are having an ok, good, or great day, I feel glad for those who are feeling good and empathize with all those who are struggling in some way.

I wish the best for everyone here, always. Just really wanted to say that, and also to offer lots of big hugs to any/all who are wanting/needing them :)*hug*hug*grouphug2
Thank you,friend. I needed them. Hugs back 🫂🫂*grouphug2
 

AvidFan

Retired Cat Staff
SF Supporter
I am dead. Well not literally, of course. I had a heavy work week and I was tired at 11pm last night so I thought I'd have an early night, catch up on my zzzz's and get up ready to enjoy the weekend. So it's now 7.09am and I've got up after lying awake for 8 hours, literally. I got to 4am and thought if I could just sleep until 10 it would be 6 hours, so I dosed valerian, magnesium and l-theanine. Once or twice over 3 hours I felt myself on the very faint edge of sleep, but it just was not happening. By 7am I'd had enough, I was not going to sleep so I figured it's better to get up. I know going by the book you're not supposed to lie in bed for that long, but usually I'll drift off sooner or later if I just wait it out and I was ironically too tired to move. Makes a change from actually sleeping for a few hours then waking at 7am on Saturday - today I get to not sleep at all and get up at 7am on Saturday.

I'd actually been doing Ok with the sleep as well, mainly, this week. But as a chronic idiopathic insomnia sufferer I'm used to only having temporary respite from the Sleep Thief. I get blessed with intermittent sleep onset insomnia and sleep maintenance insomnia. I'm sure I read in Stephen King's book of the same name that the cause of death on most insomniac's death certificates is usually not insomnia, but suicide. If not by my own hand its link to early death is highly evidence-based 😒 Fortunately I've been blessed with prodigious recovery abilities and although I feel shit I'm not dead yet, and am going to try to make the most of my day. If I doze off on my sofa (like I have every night this week, FFS, but if I try to sleep on the sofa it doesn't work!) at 3pm, so what, I'll catch up on my sleep and get back into some kind of normality by Monday. Ironically I have powerful chemicals that would knock me out, but I save them for the direst emergencies (like if today had been back to back work meetings, I'd have HAD to get some sleep) - but they are dangerous and can compound the problem so I try to avoid these days (been off benzos since Christmas and the PAWS insomnia had gone, maybe it's come back).

But seriously, screw my insomnia. 😡
 

From_Venus

Well-Known Member
That sounds really bad. If you are scared for yourself, I think that shifts the strategy somewhat. How are you in danger? Do you mean physically - or are the messages becoming more vitriolic. I survived physical abuse. That was a problem, but I am over it. The emotional abuse, though. Some scars are unseen. IMHO it would be better to be punched in the face than abused by someone who is supposed to protect you.

So it's really the emotional abuse that is more urgent. I mean, if you are in danger of being hit that is nothing to take lightly. I am just saying the emotional abuse sticks for longer. The advantage of physical danger is that you can remove yourself from it by changing your location.

If it's the fight between them that is going through you - it's time to set up some boundaries. And if they don't respect your boundaries, then walls are called for. Do you know much about boundaries? I didn't even know such a thing existed until I was in my late 30s. If your parents are being soooo un-parent-like, then they probably didn't teach you, or if they did it was crap. It's Friday afternoon, tho, and I am toast mentally. I will need to sleep on this and get back to you when fresh.

What I would offer for right now is that it's perfectly okay for you to be angry. In fact, it is healthy. What you do with that anger is the difficult part. Anger is our instinctive protective mechanism, but when you are protecting yourself (or others) from emotional harms, you can't exactly get out of the situation with a sledgehammer. Setting boundaries for this case could look like flat out refusal to be a conduit for messages between them. I want to say tell them to f- off, but that would most likely escalate the situation and I am going to guess you are not wanting that. In which case, a little tact (but not a lot) will be handy. Don't get emotional with them, but for example in WhatsApp tell dad that you will no longer take messages from him to mom, and vise-versa. This will feel impossible at first. There is a lot of fear in setting boundaries. And the other party initially will get angry more often than not. What has worked for me is to be consistent, and give them consequences for continuing the behavior. However, although they will be angry at first, consistently standing up for yourself will (usually) get them to respect you and your boundaries. If not then more severe intervention is called for, but I am guessing you don't want to go no-contact right away.

The difficulty with that is that if you don't have a strong sense of your own self-worth and an internal locus of control (the belief that you can change your results by changing your behavior), then it will be less likely you will stand up for yourself when needed. In which case that would be a separate topic. If it would be easier I could PM you, or we could start a new thread but I think this topic might derail this thread so I will probably start a general discussion about boundaries in a new thread if that is okay for you. You have worth. All human beings are intrinsically worthy. Even if you've made mistakes that you now regret, that means you have grown and changed, so you can change more. I can't sit here and say it's going to be fine, because I am just a stranger on the internet to you. What I can say is this does not need to be your burden. It may get worse before it gets better, but it can get better.
Hi, thanks so much for the response! I really, really, really appreciate it :3

Yup, I told my dad that I'm not taking messages from him about this and getting involved - he said that he understood, and I'm grateful for that, but I wish he hadn't started it in the first place. It's my mom who's still really upset with me about the fact that I don't want to cut him off completely. She yelled at me all morning and afternoon yesterday, called me a s**t and p********e, worse than a demon, told me that God is going to punish me for enabling my father to abuse her, and insulted me for being on antidepressants. I love her very much but she can be really vitriolic. She's not letting me meet up with my father or even message him, which is putting me in a tough spot. I just wish I didn't have to get involved in their fights and disputes. I'm not able to within the next two years, but I'm hoping to study abroad for college and hopefully relocate so I can live on my own and stay out of stuff like this :3
 

Aurelia

🔥 A Fire Inside 🔥
SF Supporter
So I initially got a pretty bad grade on one of my papers because we were supposed to work as a team, myself and two others and there was a miscommunication and we submitted different papers, so we all got a D. Then the instructor messaged us to find out what happened and when she realized it was a miscommunication and we did still work together, she changed the grade to a B+ so I'm extremely relieved because that initial grade had brought my average down to a C. I was like eek, that's not good. And now it's a B+, yay.
 

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻 u r warned!
SF Supporter
Hi, thanks so much for the response! I really, really, really appreciate it :3

Yup, I told my dad that I'm not taking messages from him about this and getting involved - he said that he understood, and I'm grateful for that, but I wish he hadn't started it in the first place. It's my mom who's still really upset with me about the fact that I don't want to cut him off completely. She yelled at me all morning and afternoon yesterday, called me a s**t and p********e, worse than a demon, told me that God is going to punish me for enabling my father to abuse her, and insulted me for being on antidepressants. I love her very much but she can be really vitriolic. She's not letting me meet up with my father or even message him, which is putting me in a tough spot. I just wish I didn't have to get involved in their fights and disputes. I'm not able to within the next two years, but I'm hoping to study abroad for college and hopefully relocate so I can live on my own and stay out of stuff like this :3
It sounds like mom could use a great deal of help for her own issues, holy crap. She must be really suffering, but it's not okay for her to be taking that out on you. You're not enabling anyone just for saying you won't participate anymore. You are responsible for your actions, and likewise, they are responsible for their own. Any God that would punish you for being on antidepressants - is not worthy of the title, IMHO. I have gotten that also. If I am on medication of any kind, then I am not "sober." Problem is that I was using substances to self medicate so guess what happens when I stop drinking, smoking, and taking pills that weren't prescribed for me. For some, antidepressants are a necessity. Bear in mind that your mom is not a doctor so she doesn't know what she's talking about in that domain. I have been in your situation, and what I did at the time was just withdraw into myself and go into my head. This is not to say that's the best strategy. In hindsight, it has cost me thousands of dollars of therapy to get over. I don't know what the best course is, though. I imagine it has something to do with setting up boundaries and getting your mom to respect those. You said she's not letting you do things. What if you reply with something like, "I'm sorry you don't agree with me, but I'm an adult now and I need to make my own decisions." That way you are not accusing or judging, you're just saying you need your autonomy, which is a basic human right. I have heard that this is common in developmental psychology. Almost every young adult has to come to a critical point where they tell their parents that the child has grown and needs to be treated as an adult. It's just too bad the parents are not even adulting themselves.
 

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻 u r warned!
SF Supporter
Ironically I have powerful chemicals that would knock me out, but I save them for the direst emergencies (like if today had been back to back work meetings, I'd have HAD to get some sleep) - but they are dangerous and can compound the problem so I try to avoid these days (been off benzos since Christmas and the PAWS insomnia had gone, maybe it's come back).

But seriously, screw my insomnia. 😡

Yeah. In my case, PAWS was not linear. It can go up and down, but over time the trend is toward health if you stay off the stuff. I think that is the miracle of recovery. Our bodies trend toward health if we just stop poisoning ourselves! What an advantage. Of course, it hurts right now, but it gets better. It happens so slowly you could barely notice it. But after a year or two, you look back and see how much stuff you didn't take, and how much better you feel. My insomnia has been a mix of apnea and depression. Getting a CPAP (and losing weight) have helped me a lot in that regard. Too much, though lol. Now I have daytime sleepiness. I would not trade hypersomnia for insomnia at any point, though, It's like a superpower.
 

AvidFan

Retired Cat Staff
SF Supporter
I am grateful to be acknowledged here as I fear I'm on the receiving end of a double ghosting out in the wild. 14 years with one and 3 precious years the other, lost in a sea of ticks that never tock... as the sun dips towards the horizon and leaves me in the wilds of the moon in thrall to the endless afternoon.
 
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