Well, since some days (and before I go out now to walk - for a long while...) I made the balance of my life. About time.
Family (blood) - most of them are dead, others (and I have a sister, two nieces married with children, two uncles...) and I do have only ONE email address and am ignored. I was away too long - I see this now. 30 years abroad can do a lot of things. They are all still in Germany. How can they stand this? My son is now a pilot (Airbus 320 type rating) and every now and then I hear from him. Difficult - he is in a relationship and I understand of course that this is important.
Family (love) - contact ok, but we are all still separated in different countries and continents. But hope has it that reunion will happen in two months. But it costs me thousands of EUR to get all this done. Sometimes I live on a shoestring, do not eat and only drink juice. But ok - I manage. But of one thing I am proud - out of one dirt poor African Family who did not have enough to eat (16 years ago) now the two kids are studying in France and she will come here on the 21 August (inch-allah, how they say).
Myself (extremist) - I survived so many things that although I am just retired early, I feel like being 90 or so. Most of my old school colleagues are gone. I have only two or three friends left - but this is for a lifetime. My problem is, that I am a dependent person - whatever it is - I did it. From jail, Heroin, Diazepam, cocaine, gambling, alcohol - on the bad side - up to paragliding in Afghanistan and South Sudan, earning good money, having a good job all over the world spending 8000 for a vacation, many girlfriends... I am normally straight because I have to - but the tragedy is, that all 3 months or so I fall. And when I fall - its to the bottom. A feeling like "nothing else matters..." And it takes me weeks to get out of it again. I do not know how often I fell and how often I stood up again during my life. I do not even know how often I restarted my life - in different countries, different relations etc. Worse is, that I have then (when down) a bad conscience (I am a good believer) and that I cannot be forgiven any longer. I cannot even forgive myself. Then I enjoy being alone - and deal with the matter my way.
At the end - although I am really fit for my age and do everything to remain on top of things, I know with certainty that the future number of falls is "limited". I cannot stand up again all the time. I feel like a woman who hates ironing. So, she throws the iron on the wall. In the evening the husband repairs it. The next time, she cuts the cable - the husband repairs it again. But when this happened 20 or 30 times the iron cannot be repaired any longer and must be replaced. And I fear I am close to this point. I am now waiting for my family to arrive and hope that life will be better in the future. I hope we will have fun - there are so many possibilities. And one good point is - I am not suffering. But I know that falling down again - it might be the end for me. This day will come - as sure as I would never take a cancer treatment - I would prefer to enjoy the morphine from the doctor until I die. I cannot fight much more or longer, although I proved to be strong and quite resistant. I enjoy being alone - but not lonely. But if a visa is denied or impossible to get - I will go under.
Thus I made this song:
Sorry for all that - but I had to write my situation down. Not to good - but on the way up. Now I go walking. Peace to everybody.
