Awake. Saturday. 6am. Nothing new there. At least I got 5-6 hours of sleep.
I wake up and feel OK. Then within 30 seconds my mind recalls my situation and I slump in despair. The dream wasn't real. I didn't get up at my parents' house and go to the fridge for a snack, with them telling me I'd be OK. I am not 30. It was just a dream of a different when. Then I regroup and get up, I feel generally positive, there's a bit of optimism, but the weights attached to my mind start trying to pull me down.
How bad will the anxiety get today? Is it inevitable or am I feeding it with a lax mental attitude? Will I recover from this awful fatigue? If I had my energy, I'd likely be OK, I could plough through somehow. If I could have faith in my energy, in my ability to work, even if I have to do more work for less money. My brain is still a bit burnt out, whether from genuine exhaustion or self-inflicted chemical damage I just don't know. I swing from energised to exhausted in the space of minutes, can't rely on how I feel for any length of time as it could swing again.
One thing at a time. Recall all the spiritual traditions, the meditation I practice I have done. Where did all that go? There is a clear mental state there, if only I could remain there and cultivate it, instead of thrashing around in the waters and muddying the whole picture. I have the weekend, nothing is going to get done or change for 2 days, likely. I must rest and recover for the path ahead, whatever it may bring.
It's warm. Feels warm anyway, or is it my busted internal thermostat? Time for more coffee.