@Reality I know you know already I'm on your side. It's okay to rant, please keep us posted. I hope the police assured you that they'd protect you from him, I mean in case he comes back angrier. I'm so sorry you're going through this, while dealing with your health and doctors, etc. No matter what's going on for him, you deserve care, respect and dignity. I'm repeating things I've said before, sorry. (h)
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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I had trouble with thoughts going back to negative, sticky loops. At this point, the words in the loops don't even apply. Anxiety is up over some chores and changes coming soon. Funny, or not, how the mind tries to throw a spanner into taking action, even when it leads to good changes. On the good side I'm getting stronger though a little sore from the workouts.
The shit just stopped.... I'm at peace. something about waking up from a dream, but I am still dreaming. It feels very important now for me to recognize the people who have helped me. One man in particular who kept assuring me that I was "on the path!" Meaning I was getting better whether or not I recognized it for what it is.
I had the thought that I could reach out to him, just to say thanks. The crazy thing is that thinking about him calmed the demons down long enough for me to notice that I'm capable of getting through this. I don't have to have the whole map, which is good because I don't. I have a direction, though. Hope that makes sense. It's past bedtime for me.
I had the thought that I could reach out to him, just to say thanks. The crazy thing is that thinking about him calmed the demons down long enough for me to notice that I'm capable of getting through this. I don't have to have the whole map, which is good because I don't. I have a direction, though. Hope that makes sense. It's past bedtime for me.
I'm so glad I made you smile (perhaps laugh, also, but at least smile). That means there was a moment in your life when you were happy that I got to be a part of. But more importantly, you were happy.
And it's totally okay that you weren't chill, lol. I was very "not chill" also, so I was very intrigued.
And it's totally okay that you weren't chill, lol. I was very "not chill" also, so I was very intrigued.
Cany you do some breathing exercises or try the 5-4-3-2-1 technique if you know it? name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 you can taste - even if it means saying it out loud it can disengage your thinking a bit. Think about the things and name them. I don't know if it will help but I find it useful sometimes in the moment.
Guess in reality I have been depressed between my friend and my job. I look around my house and while the major things have been picked up it is a general disaster. And it's making me more depressed and less likely to clean and thus spiraling down. I have today off and I'm going to really try to clean up especially for the cat. She doesn't deserve to be not picked up after just because I'm depressed.
Maybe cleaning the house will help my mood.
Maybe cleaning the house will help my mood.
You're right about learning to ignore them. Fighting off gives them more energy though. In the way I was using "demons" in that moment was more abstract. In psychological terms when I talk about demons, I refer to my reactions to my intrusive thoughts that give rise to self-destructive attitudes, pain, and harmful behavior (if entertained for too long). This often pertains to addiction for me, but in the above, the "demons" that were tormenting me happened to be a certain resentment that is taking a ton more work to learn how to live with than any other obstacle I've faced in my adult life.
Even when I lost my partner, which I would say was more painful, it still had a trend that went along with it. I had good days and bad days, but over time I noticed that my peaks and valleys were moving into calmer places. I also had this experience with my sobriety. By contrast the experience of accepting what was done to me seems to be just on repeat like a hamster on a wheel, and the result is that I feel so miserable that I want to die. The intrusive thoughts are generally fantasies about methods/plans, noticing that I'm in severe emotional pain, or anger at how unnecessarily harsh (aka cruel) to me while I was in a very vulnerable state.
Even when I lost my partner, which I would say was more painful, it still had a trend that went along with it. I had good days and bad days, but over time I noticed that my peaks and valleys were moving into calmer places. I also had this experience with my sobriety. By contrast the experience of accepting what was done to me seems to be just on repeat like a hamster on a wheel, and the result is that I feel so miserable that I want to die. The intrusive thoughts are generally fantasies about methods/plans, noticing that I'm in severe emotional pain, or anger at how unnecessarily harsh (aka cruel) to me while I was in a very vulnerable state.
Well, my moment of peace didn't last. Woke up this morning ruminating again over how mistreated I am. Severely, as in I was playing this commentary in my mind over various incidents, and how angry I am at the people who harmed me while claiming to offer help.
However, I did sitting meditation this morning. I'm still experiencing my pain, but it did help. I think any intentionally constructive task is better than nothing. I still could use a break, though, from all this emotional work. I can't walk across a room without a heavy sigh and internal recognition of feeling a lot worse than I think I should be.
However, I did sitting meditation this morning. I'm still experiencing my pain, but it did help. I think any intentionally constructive task is better than nothing. I still could use a break, though, from all this emotional work. I can't walk across a room without a heavy sigh and internal recognition of feeling a lot worse than I think I should be.
I'm doing the best I can. I'm extremely tired. I don't have enough energy to cope, so I sink further into my self made prison and torture chamber.
Emotional reasoning fallacy extended. Emotional reasoning is confusing a feeling about something with the reality of it. So if I feel bad, then I must be bad by implication.
I can see this, but destructive me also sees this so he gets more elaborate. While it might be the case that I'm not doing as badly as I feel - I am more than adequately skilled to make it so I am. This is one of the consequences of high-IQ that makes me bristle at the word, "gifted." It's maybe gifted if you also have emotional intelligence and regulation skills on board. By contrast my smarts give me much more complex ways to torture myself.
Emotional reasoning fallacy extended. Emotional reasoning is confusing a feeling about something with the reality of it. So if I feel bad, then I must be bad by implication.
I can see this, but destructive me also sees this so he gets more elaborate. While it might be the case that I'm not doing as badly as I feel - I am more than adequately skilled to make it so I am. This is one of the consequences of high-IQ that makes me bristle at the word, "gifted." It's maybe gifted if you also have emotional intelligence and regulation skills on board. By contrast my smarts give me much more complex ways to torture myself.
