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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
Kind of anxious. The guy is on his way to do the window. This could either solve a major headache I've had for several years, or create/reveal a new issue. When I'm paying this guy £60 an hour based on his Elite tasker status, I really hope it's the former, my nervous system can't cope with many more shocks, I'm so on edge I jumped out of my skin at a notification noise last night.
I was driving home yesterday and anxiety began to build in my chest for no reason. So at home I took a lorazapem the generic of Ativan. It was last bought in 2022 so i took two figuring the effectiveness was less. boy it knocked me over! i woke up to a blank tv screen at 3am and stumbled to bed. I was barely lucid this morning but I've come out of it. Got to be careful with it. But it released the anxiety tightness in my chest.
Deflated. The window guy has been and gone. Found a litany of problems along the way and had to improvise a solution. All I can do is pray that what he's done keeps the rain out and hasn't made things worse. And he couldn't help with the other 2 problems, said I need a builder for that. I can't really afford builders and the last one ghosted me. I'll have to leave it for now and hope it doesn't fall down, my nervous system is absolutely shot through. I had to scream into a pillow while the guy was here. I've got nothing left to deal with fucking sold stone lintels mysteriously crumbling to sawdust...
Have had this headache for a while. Don’t know why. I never really have headaches. Might be side effect from medicine. Might be from the mental anguish. Feels sort of logical that the thoughts that plague me would start to hurt physically.
Should go and buy the other kind of painkillers. Maybe they‘ll work. Feel I’m absolutely losing it because of this headache. Or because of all the memories on a loop in the head. I don’t know.
Should go and buy the other kind of painkillers. Maybe they‘ll work. Feel I’m absolutely losing it because of this headache. Or because of all the memories on a loop in the head. I don’t know.
Can't get right. I've tried lying down. I've tried listening to music. I've tried walking. Tried eating. I'm exhausted and the obligations just don't stop coming. It feels like I'm under water and my choice is hold my breath for half an hour and hope I surface, or just drown. No choice at all really because I don't survive either..... I'm in real survival phase at the moment, survive 5 minutes. Then the next 5 minutes. Then the next. I just hope nothing else happens because I am on the edge. Right now existing feels utterly unbearable.
Hadn't replied to my sister since yesterday. She followed up wondering where I was and asked if I was OK. I said no I'm not really OK. No question, no "why what's up?", nothing, Oh hope you feel better soon. And that is the level of support I have from my closest family - fuck all. I could say I was about to CTB and all she'd say is pull yourself together why are you being so negative. It was after trying to get some support from her that I first came to SF, because she makes things worse, makes me feel more miserable and alone. I am clinging on here, trying to survive another 5 minutes when I just want to go sleep.
Really tired. I'm not as bad as I was earlier in terms of ideation and finding existence unbearable - I was 10/10 for pain for most of the afternoon and early evening. I did laugh watching South Park, which is something. Probably come down to 5/10 now. Just not entirely convinced by the window sealing job, I will have no idea until it rains and the inside doesn't - or does - get wet. Going to go to bed.
I am alright, I think, while not being whole anymore. At least I see it. Before I knew it on an intellectual kind of level, but it was like I was hoping my natural former self was intact. It's not. At the moment it's like instead of having been in a marriage I was in an agreement to de-stabilise my life and enhance his life. Now, I've no way to get it back. A person I know told me to stop whinging and take my sould back from him, that he doesn't deserve it. Hindsight is 20-20 and easy to use as well-meaning advice, but makes me feel even worse.
