How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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Really tired. Going to go and lie down. I feel a bit better than I did yesterday and earlier today, the weird head feelings I was getting have subsided a bit so I think was down to the valerian. Horrible stuff - for my broken brain, anyway. Looking forward to slipping into bed and hopefully sleeping better, at least forcing myself to get horizontal and rest.
Sad. Bought a ticket for a music gig around a year ago, looking forward to a bit of light hearted fun this evening. After waking up at 3.56am and being awake ever since, full of anxiety, I feel the noise and chaos of a large event is going to be too much and I just put my ticket up for resale. Doubt it will sell, but have sold tickets on the day before. Less likely as it's a single ticket which is less likely to sell than a pair (all the pairs have sold out just now). But you never know. Just feels sad, not about the money but the fact I seem to be too old and fucked to even make it out the door to a gig these days.
Got retired today instead of laid off. Still not sure how I feel. It wasn't unexpected - i recognized a month ago that work was disappearing and gave my notice but my boss talked me into pt work. Now he says he has little to keep me busy even 20 hours a week. So I am okay but I am a little bemused I guess is the term. Had hoped to work into retirement instead of jumping in 100% but the universe had other plans.
Pretty tearful this evening. Out on my night walk I saw some halloween decorations some kids (or maybe adults!) are doing next to a house, bats on washing line ands skeletons, whole end wall of house is a halloween show. Reminded me of being a kid and going around with masks on, a time when I felt safe and happy, and when I got home all the worries of the world faded away. Started crying, but had to stay a bit composed as I was out and about. Then was watching a beautiful nature slideshow for my virtual walk and that really set me off - peaceful music, lovely pictures. The safety and peace of nature, safety is something my nervous system has forgotten how to feel these last few years. I hope the tears are something cracking out of me rather then me cracking in two, but have felt pretty broken lately. Had to miss my gig today because my stress and anxiety was too high, and then had nightmares still ongoing with my accountant switch which is proving to be about 500 times more hassle than I anticipated.
Feeling about as I did last evening, which is surprising because I thought I'd been sliding into a bad patch. I have made some little changes to my habits and seems it's helping with self-regulation. There's still this Stygian pit hovering next to me, and I'm lonely, but keeping the chest of sadness tightly shut.
Another shit night. Went to sleep about midnight, woke up anxious at about 3.45am. Stayed in bed. Maybe got some rem sleep between 7am and 8.30am - dreamt about accountants. At least it means I might have processed something. Even if just a little. Plan now is to survive the next 2 days and try to triage the next 2 weeks' commitments.
Regrets weigh heavy on one's mind. I hope that you feelbetter real soon @FlamingoWrangler. 