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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
sending love; I'm sorry it's like this
Angry. I have had an awful day, wave after wave of fatigue and anxiety. I'm worried about myself, I'm doing all the right things but nothing is shifting this wave of fatigue and anxiety. If I lie down and try to relax my heart rate won't go down and my watch stays in stress mode. As soon as I get up and start reading threads here or Reddit, my heart rate comes down and my watch goes into rest mode. Distraction really works. Easy to see how I manage to overwork myself so much - the distraction felt like it was giving me a break while it was exhausting me.
But all that aside, I went out in search of cats and a smile for the day. Just one nice thing. My favourite was waiting for me. I tried to give him a treat but he was more interested in nuzzling me and fusses. I walked off and did my loop then found the cat on the way back, this time he was on a fence at eye level, and was following me along the fence for more fusses, it was like I'm his human and he wanted me to know it, almost wanted to pick him up and take him with me and he'd probably have let me. We were having a lovely moment. Then...
BANG. BANG. BANG. SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE. The local kids a block away decide to set off a firework. The only firework that went off before or after my moment with the cat. Poor thing jumped off the fence, looked at me a second, then scarpered off to hide somewhere. So both me and the cat end up stressed and anxious. Again.
FFS Can't have ANYTHING. Fuck fireworks.
But all that aside, I went out in search of cats and a smile for the day. Just one nice thing. My favourite was waiting for me. I tried to give him a treat but he was more interested in nuzzling me and fusses. I walked off and did my loop then found the cat on the way back, this time he was on a fence at eye level, and was following me along the fence for more fusses, it was like I'm his human and he wanted me to know it, almost wanted to pick him up and take him with me and he'd probably have let me. We were having a lovely moment. Then...
BANG. BANG. BANG. SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE. The local kids a block away decide to set off a firework. The only firework that went off before or after my moment with the cat. Poor thing jumped off the fence, looked at me a second, then scarpered off to hide somewhere. So both me and the cat end up stressed and anxious. Again.
FFS Can't have ANYTHING. Fuck fireworks.
I'm really struggling today. I'm still hurting over past events and I'm just trapped in re-living the same events over and over and over. I feel better after I see my therapist, and then for a few days I can sustain that better level of keeping my emotions in the present. But now. I'm so discouraged and broken and completely out of hope for anything. I'm thinking lines like, "so what if I were somehow able to pull myself together into a functioning semblance of an adult? The political situation is a mess, and the economy is probably fucked for the next 30 years at least - what the hell would I even be recovering to?"
It feels like a fool's errand to be trying to overcome my mood disorder(s) when the macro picture is also bleaker than it has been in my entire life of 4 dozen years. I don't see much reason to keep doing the work to heal. I know that's defeatist, but it's how I feel right now. Not all of my feelings are facts, but it is a fact that they are real feelings.
It feels like a fool's errand to be trying to overcome my mood disorder(s) when the macro picture is also bleaker than it has been in my entire life of 4 dozen years. I don't see much reason to keep doing the work to heal. I know that's defeatist, but it's how I feel right now. Not all of my feelings are facts, but it is a fact that they are real feelings.
@LumberJack
Sorry your feeling terrible. Sending you warm wishes.
Sorry your feeling terrible. Sending you warm wishes.
Not only do I have a needy unemployed friendless friend, and a friend undergoing chemo, I have a degenerating hip (pain in the hip). Probably need a hip replacement. It's three out of three bad things stressing me out, not counting my job situation. Go me! What else could go wrong? I bet there's something lurking...
As regards your degenerating hip, what I do myself are Side-raises. Not raising forward but at my sides, as high as I can raise my leg. It was advised by a therapist. The exercise also serves to preserve balance, to prevent falls. 10 or more side-raises for each leg. Two sets of 10 repetitions each.
I also do deep knee squats, 10 to 15 repetitions.
But if it worsens your pain, then don't do it. All I know is that it works for me.
I also do deep knee squats, 10 to 15 repetitions.
But if it worsens your pain, then don't do it. All I know is that it works for me.
I feel better today. Am doing a 100 per cent supplement detox to see if anything is causing my weird symptoms. Although I still got the dizziness, I haven't had an anxiety wave this afternoon, despite eating, walking and doing some bits of work. Normally get a spike early afternoon accompanied by blood pressure spike.... But so far calm today.
Also managed to find my pal again - or he found me, spotted me and came running up, lots of fusses and sneaked a couple of tasty treats into my palm which he munched down. This one loved me before I even introduced the treats, and wouldn't eat it last night, so he must like lunch rather than an evening meal. At least no fireworks around this time of day.
Had a meeting cancelled so just got a light afternoon, going to make the most of it to try to heal my brain and nervous system.
Also managed to find my pal again - or he found me, spotted me and came running up, lots of fusses and sneaked a couple of tasty treats into my palm which he munched down. This one loved me before I even introduced the treats, and wouldn't eat it last night, so he must like lunch rather than an evening meal. At least no fireworks around this time of day.
Had a meeting cancelled so just got a light afternoon, going to make the most of it to try to heal my brain and nervous system.
I'm now really struggling to get going. I did workout, but now I'm paralyzed about doing my job search and/or writing up a complaint to the nursing board over the clinical judgement of the provider involved in the abusive treatment I received at the inpatient hellhole that calls itself a hospital. I feel like it would just be so much simpler and less painful if I were to fatally injure myself. But - my prescriber and my therapist have secured commitments from me that I will not take that route. It feels hopeless. Why even try? Push through this nightmare only to meet a new, even more troubling nightmare later on? God. I am in hell.
so... 2 hours later of trying to coax, cajole, and/or bribe myself into doing anything to get my shitty life back together - I'm exhausted and have nothing to show for it. Speaking with my therapist tomorrow and also looking around for peer support options for the lack of time management, planning, and follow through.
Right now, though, I feel broken and useless and like I can't do anything important right. Meaning I could drive myself from one place to another without incident, but an effort that takes more than one day of observable action - I'm not seeing it happening at all recently.
Right now, though, I feel broken and useless and like I can't do anything important right. Meaning I could drive myself from one place to another without incident, but an effort that takes more than one day of observable action - I'm not seeing it happening at all recently.
I still haven't had the bad anxiety today. Feel very tired but never sleeping is enough to do that. Had my supper early, need to do my night walk and virtual walk journal, then go to bed early and hope the body feeling less wired will allow it to sleep. No idea how things like B vitamins and magnesium could cause anxiety and panic but have been reading around and apparently it's not impossible.... I should just drink water, nibble on crackers, and avoid all supplements contaminants!
I am ready to leave this world. Health problems continue to multiply. Both pee and poop issues, hemorrhoid, asthma, arthritis, cataracts, anxiety and so many others. And now I find out my insurance is going to get worse. My provider is no longer going to accept PPO plans, so my out of pocket will rise from 20 to 50%. Am trying to get ahold of my insurance agent but it is his busy time. Since I have very little money I should continue to get 100% financial support (until they take that away too). But I want to make sure I can change my provider to a different hospital in case that doesn't hold true. I know I can't change plans after 12/15 for another year.
And more hospital staff is going out on strike. They want more money. Hell, the more they get the less care the poor get. I really think they should just put all of us baby boomers down and solve the problem.
Meanwhile much of our government remains shut down because our jack ass politicians refuse to compromise on medical care funding. They, of course, only get the best.
And more hospital staff is going out on strike. They want more money. Hell, the more they get the less care the poor get. I really think they should just put all of us baby boomers down and solve the problem.
Meanwhile much of our government remains shut down because our jack ass politicians refuse to compromise on medical care funding. They, of course, only get the best.