I got to bed for about another hour so almost six hours total. I was doing really well, keeping busy and listening to music while doing chores. Once I got the kitchen clean it was possible to cook breakfast. I've been trying to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings but it's really energy-intensive. I have to deal with an ISP tech on site in the afternoon so I will be working toward pacing myself. Managing my emotions to a realistic level is damn near impossible. I know that at least a majority of people have things harder than I do. However, I have also had it a lot better before than where I'm at now. Every day is thoughts of whether I will end my life to avoid financial ruin. Like, if it's a binary choice of scrounging like a beggar on the streets and all the dangers that come with that, or taking myself out, the latter option looks much better. Maybe I'm in distorted thoughts. I'm usually the last to know when I am. Aside from the self-pity there is anger about injustice. Regarding things that are happening in the news, and things that are in my past. Power differentials are so vast right now that you're either in the top 99.9th percentile of net worth, or you are falling behind economically, and at a faster rate the further down you are. The rest of us are just getting screwed.
That said, I think that what is really going on is that I'm lonely. I miss my partner and the lovely rituals we had on weekend mornings. Making breakfast together, planning a hike, or fighting over whose turn it is to do the dishes... these are the little moments that you really notice when you lose someone dear. I'm not certain but I suspect that I have subconsciously been screwing with my circadian rhythms to fend off this tender awareness. And then comes the second-order self consciousness of feeling like I shouldn't feel this way. Well, I fucking do - no sense wringing my hands about it. I don't know what to do, though. I have a pretty good guess, but that would take sitting down and consciously putting emotional work in. I'm already crying; I don't know if it is a good idea to push myself right now.
Ironically, I have been trying to get back to a more consistent routine as in bedtime and wake up time being within an hour give or take each day. It's been anywhere from bed at 10:00 PM to winding down at 3:00 AM, and getting up somewhere between 4 and 12 hours later. So an hour variance either way is a hell of a jump, IMHO. I do feel better with a routine because it's just part of my personality. So although I feel better rested and able to be productive, I also am realizing I have been taking poor care of myself lately and I need to correct for that.
