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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Well, it’s better. I am feeling like I have more energy to stay on task. More able to disengage from resentful thoughts. I don’t feel quite well, yet. I’m less than interested in surviving too much longer. I have safety commitments with my APRN and therapist. Safety plan on here. It’s not imminent. However, if I think about being alive 2 years or even 1 year from now- I would rather not.
The “anniversary” my one great love’s death is 12/31, and the end of 2026 would be the 10th anniversary. If nothing changes in my life by then, I don’t know if I’ll survive, whether I initiate the change or not. There’s a condition called broken heart disease (I think). It can be fatal. The heart just gives up in the face of overwhelming pain. I’m not saying I would want to die that way; I’m saying it might not be up to me.
The “anniversary” my one great love’s death is 12/31, and the end of 2026 would be the 10th anniversary. If nothing changes in my life by then, I don’t know if I’ll survive, whether I initiate the change or not. There’s a condition called broken heart disease (I think). It can be fatal. The heart just gives up in the face of overwhelming pain. I’m not saying I would want to die that way; I’m saying it might not be up to me.
I think this is meant for @AmberMarie . She’s got a lot of new drs & appointments ahead. 👌
I have been dragging myself through the entire day. Now it’s (I would like it to be) time to sleep, and my brain feels like it’s ready for a marathon, or maybe a melee battle with medieval weapons. I can’t stay on a topic very long, even worse than my usual. My body feels weak and sleepy. I took my night meds (the sedating ones) 75 minutes ago. They worked on the body but my brain (and circulatory system) feels like taking on interstellar travel.
(((Hugs))) @FlamingoWrangler. I hope you feel stronger today.
Today has been fairly good, but not in my thoughts. I had a thanksgiving leftover get-together with my mom today. We (her and I) got invited to someone else's place at the last minute, and it made more sense to combine all four of us instead of having two separate with just 2 people each. My mom still had all the food she bought though! I'm making out like a bandit because I came home with at least 5-6 lbs of leftovers. I plan to freeze what I can and not eat much else for a while!
But my thoughts have been really attacking me. By the way, most of my thoughts are talking to me in the second person, so heads up on that... All these accusations and unhelpful automatic thoughts, like, "what's wrong with you???" and "You're such a fuck-up! You're never going to get a job, and if you do it's going to suck because no competent manager would hire you!" On and on and on and on. Then the "you should kill yourself/You worthless peace of Sh**, waste of time/space, nobody would like you if they knew what was inside you," and so on. Personally I think it's me being cranky and taking it out on myself internally. So - it might or might not help but I'm going to at least form the intention that I turn in early tonight. Through my mindfulness practice, I have been able to acknowledge the thoughts and let them go. At the same time, it's still work that I'd rather not have on my plate right now.
But my thoughts have been really attacking me. By the way, most of my thoughts are talking to me in the second person, so heads up on that... All these accusations and unhelpful automatic thoughts, like, "what's wrong with you???" and "You're such a fuck-up! You're never going to get a job, and if you do it's going to suck because no competent manager would hire you!" On and on and on and on. Then the "you should kill yourself/You worthless peace of Sh**, waste of time/space, nobody would like you if they knew what was inside you," and so on. Personally I think it's me being cranky and taking it out on myself internally. So - it might or might not help but I'm going to at least form the intention that I turn in early tonight. Through my mindfulness practice, I have been able to acknowledge the thoughts and let them go. At the same time, it's still work that I'd rather not have on my plate right now.
