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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Angry. I felt good this morning until I dropped my keys and scraped my finger, which changed the trajectory of my whole day. I would’ve properly tended to it right then and there, but I was late to class and would’ve missed the bus. Wish that I’d actually skipped class all together like I had debated in bed before getting up. Now I need to shower tonight and make myself clean again. I wish I wasn’t like this.
confused. i'm barely aware anymore. i forget everything the moment it's over, can barely pick up on anything that happens around me and there isn't a single thought i can grasp onto. i should just die while i still can. i've been in this state before but i don't know if i can make it back to normalcy this time. even if i do, all of this is just bound to happen over again.
For the first time in a long time, I am feeling genuinely optimistic. I've started taking my PRN antipsychotic daily in the late afternoon, and my evening episodes have stopped. This is exciting for me as I am treatment resistant, and I felt so stuck until now.
Finally, I have found a mix of meds that actually work for me.
Finally, I have found a mix of meds that actually work for me.
Once again I'm feeling the loss of my wasteful choices, and the disparity of being suddenly in this time that isn't mine, separated by years I didn't live, and the awareness of that much time being cut out from what I have here.
I once again feel like, having failed my attempt, there's no point in continuing it. If I am last place in a race, what's the point of making it to the finish line?
I once again feel like, having failed my attempt, there's no point in continuing it. If I am last place in a race, what's the point of making it to the finish line?
feel better @puffymilkfeel better @puffymilk
You're probably saying that rhetorically, but it resonates with me. The way my life has gone, I'm fairly certain I am placed at the very back. My parents and ex partner could be forgiven for not wanting to associate with the likes of me. While a therapist would theoretically help with those issues, there's no use wasting my money as no amount of therapy will significantly change anything.
I'm glad you are here on SF. It's possible that something good will come about for you, that's my hope.
I'm glad you are here on SF. It's possible that something good will come about for you, that's my hope.
Iirc, there is a famous incident where a marathon runner fell down during a race, and clearly would come in last even if he finished it. He was determined to finish it though.
It took many hours, and all the other runners had long since finished the race. But word began to spread, and crowds and the media gathered along his route. His finishing the race became more famous, celebrated, and inspirational than the winner finishing first.
At least in this case, the path to the supreme victory could only be followed when defeat seemed absolutely certain.
It took many hours, and all the other runners had long since finished the race. But word began to spread, and crowds and the media gathered along his route. His finishing the race became more famous, celebrated, and inspirational than the winner finishing first.
At least in this case, the path to the supreme victory could only be followed when defeat seemed absolutely certain.
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I can definitely relate, although I have learned to be a little more accepting of my past shitty decisions that are coming back to bite me now. So I'm not going to try and tell you anything invalidating (or at least not on purpose), because that annoys me when I get it. I have worked through the doubt about my existential worthiness in therapy and it was a lot.
I should have died at least a few times over by now, but my stupid body keeps disappointing me. Yet when I was finally getting off the substances I had the feeling frequently that I was living on borrowed time. Working through that and overcoming the introjection* that caused me to treat myself like a POS has allowed me to at least start entertaining the idea that I have as much right to be here as anyone else. It still surfaces frequently, but I recognize it as such and reality test it when it does... at least once it's pointed out to me that I'm beating myself up again. Not suggesting you do anything similar, but sharing what I did in case that sparks any ideas for you.
* introjection is when we (usally as children) absorb stories, descriptions, and ways of talking to ourselves that mirror what happened to us in the past based on the way we were treated.
The pithy way to describe it is, "We talk to ourselves today in the same way adults talked to us when we were growing up." It's also usually quite hostile and condemning. This leads to the often quoted tongue in cheek corollary, "If I talked to a stranger the way I talked to myself, I would be arrested."
I should have died at least a few times over by now, but my stupid body keeps disappointing me. Yet when I was finally getting off the substances I had the feeling frequently that I was living on borrowed time. Working through that and overcoming the introjection* that caused me to treat myself like a POS has allowed me to at least start entertaining the idea that I have as much right to be here as anyone else. It still surfaces frequently, but I recognize it as such and reality test it when it does... at least once it's pointed out to me that I'm beating myself up again. Not suggesting you do anything similar, but sharing what I did in case that sparks any ideas for you.
* introjection is when we (usally as children) absorb stories, descriptions, and ways of talking to ourselves that mirror what happened to us in the past based on the way we were treated.
The pithy way to describe it is, "We talk to ourselves today in the same way adults talked to us when we were growing up." It's also usually quite hostile and condemning. This leads to the often quoted tongue in cheek corollary, "If I talked to a stranger the way I talked to myself, I would be arrested."
Right now just feeling beyond exhausted. I laid down for a nap a few hours ago. I was so out of it that I was thinking that maybe this was it and I would breathe my last as I was waiting to fall asleep. I found it comforting just because I am that utterly tired. So I'm back there again, where when I go to sleep I would actually prefer not to wake up. Less in the way of depression, but rather, like I don't feel it's possible for me to catch up on sleep at this point.
It seems like everything I have to do is taking forever because I have to overcome a few blockers in order to do the actual task at hand. Today I was sorting out my meds for the coming week. Usually this is a 15 min exercise at most, and that's only when I managed to lose a bottle of pills. Today I had to order a refill of one of them. New year, new insurance, new hoops to jump through including transferring prescriptions to pharmacies that are in-network with my new plan. So, got all that done, but from start to finish it 2 hrs and 45 min. This is just one example.
It seems like everything I have to do is taking forever because I have to overcome a few blockers in order to do the actual task at hand. Today I was sorting out my meds for the coming week. Usually this is a 15 min exercise at most, and that's only when I managed to lose a bottle of pills. Today I had to order a refill of one of them. New year, new insurance, new hoops to jump through including transferring prescriptions to pharmacies that are in-network with my new plan. So, got all that done, but from start to finish it 2 hrs and 45 min. This is just one example.