How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Well, although I'm feeling down, there is still something that made me happy, and I'm grateful for that. 
I’m feeling extraordinarily hurt. I’m broken. I don’t know what to do with myself, and even if I did, I’d probably either fuck it up, like I do with anything important, or I would excel at doing something that would royally bite me in the ass later. My mind is going at warp speed and it’s scaring me. I don’t know what I might do and resisting my explosive impulses is 100% exhausting me.
I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate the way I feel, which is more or less the way I feel half the time, except with it amplified by 100x the volume.
I hate the idea of waking up ever again. I just want it to stop. I just want a safe human being to sit with me and reassure me that I’m not the horrible moral atrocity that I think I am. I know we have each other here, but I need physical presence. Not even contact; to be seen and heard and not rejected would be enough.
I’m dying of loneliness.
I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate the way I feel, which is more or less the way I feel half the time, except with it amplified by 100x the volume.
I hate the idea of waking up ever again. I just want it to stop. I just want a safe human being to sit with me and reassure me that I’m not the horrible moral atrocity that I think I am. I know we have each other here, but I need physical presence. Not even contact; to be seen and heard and not rejected would be enough.
I’m dying of loneliness.
well I am doing better. Got some good distraction by going into chat and then went to a Zoom meeting to talk about... stuff. I'm still feeling like I've got to do something about the loneliness, or things will get much worse sooner than later.
@AvidFan - I "know" I'm not a moral atrocity, at least in my rational brain that looks at evidence and doesn't twist things around. I wouldn't be here, though, if my rational brain was in charge often enough to keep me from doing dumb things.
The argument I'm having with my internal critic is that, while I am decent and polite to a fault in my behavior to date, I might do something horrible in a moment of blind rage. The fact that I can think of it means it's within the set of behaviors that I am capable of, despite the fact that my past behavior would suggest that I am not capable of it. If anything I am too submissive and let people walk all over me. I don't even know how to push people around, but I have snapped before.
Then again, hasn't everyone? so it's that back and forth that is stirring up intrusive thoughts. Its not the thoughts in and of themselves that distress me, but the awful tension. Like why can't I just pick a damn lane already? I feel like a hypocrite over my constant waffling about do the work to recover from my symptoms or giving into them and letting that go its course (which would result in suicide pretty quickly).
@AvidFan - I "know" I'm not a moral atrocity, at least in my rational brain that looks at evidence and doesn't twist things around. I wouldn't be here, though, if my rational brain was in charge often enough to keep me from doing dumb things.
The argument I'm having with my internal critic is that, while I am decent and polite to a fault in my behavior to date, I might do something horrible in a moment of blind rage. The fact that I can think of it means it's within the set of behaviors that I am capable of, despite the fact that my past behavior would suggest that I am not capable of it. If anything I am too submissive and let people walk all over me. I don't even know how to push people around, but I have snapped before.
Then again, hasn't everyone? so it's that back and forth that is stirring up intrusive thoughts. Its not the thoughts in and of themselves that distress me, but the awful tension. Like why can't I just pick a damn lane already? I feel like a hypocrite over my constant waffling about do the work to recover from my symptoms or giving into them and letting that go its course (which would result in suicide pretty quickly).
You got there before me. Hasn't everyone is doing the work there. I believe most people are capable of darker things than they would ever admit to. It's a side effect of being a hodge podge system that evolution has jerry rigged together. Legacy intel 4004 infrastructure at the base, connected to a Commodore 64, and then that feeds into this multi-thread supercomputer perched on the top and then all this half-arsed sensory machinery also plugged into it all. So it sort of works, but it's also a mess. Everything comes in and this jerry-rigged system has to make sense of it, except most of the time it's the legacy hardware that's running things - keeps the system running, but draws most of the power and leaves the modern architecture on top struggling a lot of the time. Some of it's running at 1GHZ, other parts are running at 10GHZ, and most stuff has to run through the 1GHZ architecture before it gets to the top level. It's amazing any of it actually does anything at all. But half the time the system glitches, and the demand for energy turns into a meltdown and it hacks itself in the form of cognitive and all kinds of other biases and behaviours and emotions.... (my description is not necessarily the most elegant or accurate - am just thinking threat-systems and survival are most of the brain and we think we can control it all from the control tower (as Tara Brach says!).
Or something like that 😆
Or from a more spiritual perspective, and I don't know if I've gone on about this before, but Thich Nhat Hanh's Call me by my True names poem says a lot about that it is to face the duality of being human/nature itself.
Or something like that 😆
Or from a more spiritual perspective, and I don't know if I've gone on about this before, but Thich Nhat Hanh's Call me by my True names poem says a lot about that it is to face the duality of being human/nature itself.
Everyone inevitably says the wrong stuff and causes harm. If you say enough things, it's inevitable that there will come a time that you set someone off. There's always a baseline risk there, but it's greatly amplified when you're talking to someone in a highly emotionally charged state.
It's also worth considering that there are cases where you're going to set someone off no matter what you say to them. And if you said nothing to them, that would set them off too. There are even people who are just looking to unload on someone, and the person trying to help them just happens to make the easiest target.
Please be gentle with yourself Seabird. You're really a wonderful person, but you may not realize it. If someone else doesn't realize how wonderful you are, that's their fault.
Sending hugs
It's also worth considering that there are cases where you're going to set someone off no matter what you say to them. And if you said nothing to them, that would set them off too. There are even people who are just looking to unload on someone, and the person trying to help them just happens to make the easiest target.
Please be gentle with yourself Seabird. You're really a wonderful person, but you may not realize it. If someone else doesn't realize how wonderful you are, that's their fault.
Sending hugs