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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I am feeling a content/safety from something that has wrenched me so hard. But I'm not sure I *want* this safety. This was such a disgusting mistake. I *have* to remember it and hate it so much that I'll recall to prevent it in every step of what's left of this attempt at life that I have failed- in part because I made this mistake- and then figure it out as soon as I did this time, but then prioritize action to prevent it as I failed to this time, in the next attempt at living my life.
In general, I'm starting to find a relative clarity over severely embarrassing mistakes of mine. Not enough to be robotic or "at peace" but enough that I don't shrivel at the thought.
I want this more than anything. But ... Shoot, my heart keeps wrenching me and making me backspace every time I begin. I guess for now my very emotional survival depends on allowing this newfound relative soothness.
I want this more than anything. But ... Shoot, my heart keeps wrenching me and making me backspace every time I begin. I guess for now my very emotional survival depends on allowing this newfound relative soothness.
I'm feeling more myself than I have in some time. Am wondering if falling and eating pavement on Friday was sort of hitting rock bottom and I'm starting to bounce up. I didn't feel great after 2 weeks off, and pretty awful after 2 weeks back at work, with all kinds of nonsense happening, but so far this week, I feel tired, but capable. And I found myself being amused by people's behaviour on the bus instead of being driven insane by it. Progress! 😆
like i wanna tear my skin off and die. i'm so full of hate and pain i can't even laugh at how stupid all of this is anymore. i need to get out of this body, this world, these thoughts, everything. no matter where i go, what i do, there's always something pushing me deeper into the water, pulling me out seconds before i drown, and doing it all again.
i'm so tired of begging for the end. for something different. for love, for happiness, for anything. i don't deserve it.
everyone that ever tried to help me either got hurt or i cut them off before it could get to that point. i'm too sick to be saved. everytime they manage to cover whatever is left of me with a bandage i tear it off and pour salt into my wounds. the only thing that's keeping me here is my survival instinct and an urge to suffer that comes from god knows where.
i'm such a pathetic thing.
i'm so tired of begging for the end. for something different. for love, for happiness, for anything. i don't deserve it.
everyone that ever tried to help me either got hurt or i cut them off before it could get to that point. i'm too sick to be saved. everytime they manage to cover whatever is left of me with a bandage i tear it off and pour salt into my wounds. the only thing that's keeping me here is my survival instinct and an urge to suffer that comes from god knows where.
i'm such a pathetic thing.
I’m sorry it turned out that way. I have painfully excessive shyness, so I can empathize.
The way I have gotten over it when I do overcome my anxiety has been to go over the evidence, for example, has anyone ever been obnoxious towards me for something that I said when I could have said it more clearly?
Do most people I have met in the past end up liking me once they get to know me? Even if they do give me criticism, I think that says more about them, really. I know most people grow to like me, but I can’t please everyone, and the ones who don’t like me don’t have to talk to me.
Then there is the fact that the art class is recurring, I think. That is, as long as you keep attending. If I were in a situation like that again, I would push myself to keep up with it, because I know from experience that retreating from anxiety only makes it worse, even though I still do at times. With the others who have more expertise, that utterly does not mean that you are inadequate!
I do believe that some people have a talent or maybe multiple talents, but I think they are very, very rare (child prodigy). The rest of us have to practice, and the more we practice, the better our art gets. The class is a great opportunity for you to really focus on getting better, and you will advance more quickly because you will at least be able to get feedback from classmates, if not ideas from the instructor to help you if you’re stuck at some point (which happens to everyone at times, IMHO). I’m saying this as someone who has had a bit of success as a performing musician, so you better listen!!! j/k but I’m speaking from experience rather than making ideas up from whole cloth, lol. HTH
The way I have gotten over it when I do overcome my anxiety has been to go over the evidence, for example, has anyone ever been obnoxious towards me for something that I said when I could have said it more clearly?
Do most people I have met in the past end up liking me once they get to know me? Even if they do give me criticism, I think that says more about them, really. I know most people grow to like me, but I can’t please everyone, and the ones who don’t like me don’t have to talk to me.
Then there is the fact that the art class is recurring, I think. That is, as long as you keep attending. If I were in a situation like that again, I would push myself to keep up with it, because I know from experience that retreating from anxiety only makes it worse, even though I still do at times. With the others who have more expertise, that utterly does not mean that you are inadequate!
I do believe that some people have a talent or maybe multiple talents, but I think they are very, very rare (child prodigy). The rest of us have to practice, and the more we practice, the better our art gets. The class is a great opportunity for you to really focus on getting better, and you will advance more quickly because you will at least be able to get feedback from classmates, if not ideas from the instructor to help you if you’re stuck at some point (which happens to everyone at times, IMHO). I’m saying this as someone who has had a bit of success as a performing musician, so you better listen!!! j/k but I’m speaking from experience rather than making ideas up from whole cloth, lol. HTH
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Feeling worse than neutral but better than horrible, so maybe mildly bad? I have been super busy with chores and looking for some books that I need for this weekend. But now I'm leaving for a Buddhist thing (surprise, lol!) and my brain is attacking me again. I'm going to exert myself to drive safely, but that said if I don't make it back, no complaints. I'm really down, I guess - hope that doesn't bum anyone out but you can tell me if it bothers ya.
Strange, thankful that I'm in a numb kind of mood. It's not from substances or drink, but a symptoms of depression. Hoping to get a good sleep tonight. Recently in a dream I saw me, dead, on a high platform of branches as the incinerating began. Maybe it was a flash from a past lifetime. Just another bad dream to deal with alone.
I’m really tired. I have a lot to clean tonight to feel comfortable going out tomorrow, but it takes a lot out of me. I had to skip my first class today because I took too long getting ready and making sure I felt clean enough to go out. I used to be able to clean everything in time and use all of my energy quickly to go out the next day but now I don’t have that. I’m slow, and I can’t do anything. I already skipped class this semester and it hasn’t even been that long. I don’t know how I’ll go to class in time tomorrow because I have so much to clean.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I can barely go to class and stay on top of the material. I just want to feel good enough to go out and touch everything and be normal, but it’s so hard. I’m so tired, and I just want to die. I hate skipping class because actually being class lets me understand the material better and actually keep up. I also feel like my classmates judge me for it, like “wow meow124 is already not in class and we barely just started!!” I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just shower and leave everything to tomorrow.
and then my hands and arms are so dry from washing them so much that they crack and bleed and that sends me down a spiral because I hate feeling like I’m getting blood everywhere. And I hate it so much because I feel like the bandaid gets dirty every time I go to the bathroom and then I have to change it….
It's wonderful to see you and i am glad you are getting better... even if just a tiny bit. i also think it's wonderful that you are focusing on your health right now. Yes... you are missed around here... However, i personally would rather have you away taking care of yourself now, so you have the opportunity to be here more at a later time when you are feeling much better.
I’m feeling better about my own progress after getting some reminders about being nonjudgmental last night. I’m still feeling very sad about the state of the world right now, though. Part of the reminder is that meditation is actually effective at pacifying the state of human society. The intuition is that the more people practicing, the greater the change in the world.
If I consider what would happen if the majority of people were practicing mindfulness, the state of the world would get more and more peaceful. Even my own singular practice still has ripple effects that affect others, too.
If I consider what would happen if the majority of people were practicing mindfulness, the state of the world would get more and more peaceful. Even my own singular practice still has ripple effects that affect others, too.
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https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/what’s-going-on-with-lumberjack.177632/
The link above goes to more detail on my penultimate post on this thread.
The link above goes to more detail on my penultimate post on this thread.