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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
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Thank you. I go see the dermatologist on Wednesday, an appointment made at the last visit last month. He did tell me then that I have erythrodermic psoriasis which is the rarest form. It can be dangerous because you have it so covering the body(80 percent plus for me) that it can throw other systems like circulation, and fluids out of wack and possibly lead to things like sepsis. If it weren't for how cold hospitals are I would say please put me in.
I know its not the same as IRL, but we care about you and all the members here. I hope some of those negative feelings lessen for you @MrCellophane. 
Got out of bed not quite an hour ago. Was feeling better for a little while but then anxiety hit me like a wall. I hope it's just that I'm still waking up, but this feels physically very, very bad. Worried I might do something self-destructive out of desperation. Been having a lot of troubling thoughts about starting weed again. That would be like trying to put a fire out with gasoline. I need to move money from my IRA into my checking today, and that's probably the main thing. On top of that not having a job is just constant stress. I need problems to solve. I need challenges. I'm going to work on job hunt today and try to exercise.
Getting outside for a few minutes, although smoke from forest fires is hanging over the metro area and it's going to be hot af for as far out as the forecast on my phone goes. When I was growing up here I remember not having a/c in the house and it was considered a huge luxury. We would be taking shelter if the temp got into the low 90s and there would be at most 1 or 2 days where it started to approach 100. Now, it's 90+ throughout July, and so far mostly 100+ in the forecast. It's going to make it difficult for me to hang out with the horses. They are not in the sun, but they have pens that go into the outside. Hot weather slows me down quite a bit and it takes some time to recover once I get back in from the heat. That's why tf I left AZ but it's almost as hot here in 2026 as it was in Arizona in 2009. We still have about 20 or so degrees differential though, so when it's 100 here it's approaching 120 in Phoenix. Having thoughts that I can't go into b/c no methods rule. It's all distorted anyway. I feel so bad that I cannot see any way through this, but I know in the back of my mind that this is not true.
Getting outside for a few minutes, although smoke from forest fires is hanging over the metro area and it's going to be hot af for as far out as the forecast on my phone goes. When I was growing up here I remember not having a/c in the house and it was considered a huge luxury. We would be taking shelter if the temp got into the low 90s and there would be at most 1 or 2 days where it started to approach 100. Now, it's 90+ throughout July, and so far mostly 100+ in the forecast. It's going to make it difficult for me to hang out with the horses. They are not in the sun, but they have pens that go into the outside. Hot weather slows me down quite a bit and it takes some time to recover once I get back in from the heat. That's why tf I left AZ but it's almost as hot here in 2026 as it was in Arizona in 2009. We still have about 20 or so degrees differential though, so when it's 100 here it's approaching 120 in Phoenix. Having thoughts that I can't go into b/c no methods rule. It's all distorted anyway. I feel so bad that I cannot see any way through this, but I know in the back of my mind that this is not true.
Well, my attitude is highly variable over time. Right now it's kind of like, "I'm here, so I might as well make the best of it. Find some joy or contentment wherever I can" - hence the sitting on a cushion feeling my body breathe. It's not like a "fix" for depression, but I see it more clearly now, and that gives me space to dispute it. Also I have been making progress with moderating my OCD symptoms so I'm feeling more confident and a little relieved to have back some of my mental CPU power that I was spending on obsessions and doing things that I don't really have to do, but feel driven to do anyway.
I know its not the same as IRL, but we care about you and all the members here. I hope some of those negative feelings lessen for you @MrCellophane.
The suicidal ideations have lessened, though I've imagined a specific, improbable method and dismissed it. Then I imagined a couple of methods that I've considered before, as options if I chose to use them. But I can't indulge in those thoughts too much, I've committed to not choosing my own death, I have some family, a girlfriend and best friend that would be hurt. There have been a few suicides in my family, as well as a few friends, the aftermath is brutal
peace
peace
A bit sad. After 2 days of what appeared to be progress I had a couple of massive hip twinges. These are "oh shit, my hip's gone" blasts of shooting, agonizing pain that make me think I'm going to be unable to continue walking. The other week I walked 38000 steps over the space of a week without one. Today I had 2 of the worst ones I've had in months a few hours apart. I think I can pin it down to overdoing it, but when overdoing it means a 2 mile walk with a few hills, from where I used to be, it feels a bit sad or I feel a bit sad. Also get frustrated, if the rehab work I am doing is working, why does it still appear so random - I don't actually really know what's working or even if it is working, already had one lot of treatment that made things much worse... 🤷♂️
I am disgusted with myself.
I was supposed to drink barium contrast tonight and in the morning for a CT scan. Also was supposed to fast after midnight.
I slept early and woke about 11 pm, sick and nauseous. Can't drink the foul stuff. How could I get a stomach virus at exactly the time I need to drink large ish quantities of contrast?
I was supposed to drink barium contrast tonight and in the morning for a CT scan. Also was supposed to fast after midnight.
I slept early and woke about 11 pm, sick and nauseous. Can't drink the foul stuff. How could I get a stomach virus at exactly the time I need to drink large ish quantities of contrast?
I have a lot to be grateful for, job, fiance, etc. But I keep dwelling on the negative, annoying job, relationship that needs help. And lately I keep thinking about my ex-husband and if leaving him wasn't a big mistake. Maybe I'd have my daughter in my life still. But that was freaken 30 years ago. I know i have to look to the future.