-
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Please read THIS THREAD about a rebrand for SF.
How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
I was prepared for no response to the baby's gifts from my daughter. I picked out the books and clothes with joy. But thinking about things I may have done in the past to turn her off upsets me. No one's perfect, im not perfect. I just sit for hours reminiscing about my daughter as a baby and how I may have dropped the ball. I believe in second chances. I wish my daughter did too.
You can rant or post as much as you like @Lostman85. I believe that your children still need you, despite the circumstances. You are a good person going thru a difficult time. I hope that life turns around some for you. You deserve to have peace and understanding. 
As far as not fighting my despair: I had a very angry, irritable, and outraged stretch last night and it came back upon waking this morning. Unfortunately I got into the fight as is my habit. I completely forgot about trying something new.
When doing meditation after my walk, I thought to practice that. Instead of dismissing the energy as a distraction, I allowed it to be there. There's a certain meditation practice involving putting one's hand on the heart to connect with the emotions in the present, as opposed to the stories about why and what I shoulda/coulda/woulda done if I wasn't an idiot. I got the impression that there's a tiny part of me that is hurting very badly. He doesn't feel heard, and he does feel helpless, unprotected, and unsafe. This leads to power-seeking and a mentality of "I've got to get them before they get me!" However I just have these impulses and without sitting down to pay attention, I am not able to ask why.
TBH, I'm not ready to work with this yet, and will bring it up in therapy for advice. Trying to welcome the hurting parts of me has resulted in strange feelings. Once I felt overwhelmed and the second was this morning with the anger/bitterness. In both cases I had a distinct sense of the hurting parts being confused. They had expected a fight and instead were welcomed. They don't trust me - which is their right, as I have been very inconsistent with myself. I would say this was "lately," but that would imply it hasn't always been that way. Or in the words of the great Mitch Hedberg, "I still do, but I used to, too"
I suspect it has something do with it being a personality trait. I wish I was more organized and could stay on the same thing long enough to see if it's working or not. This is also something I need to be patient with and not try to chase it off.
When doing meditation after my walk, I thought to practice that. Instead of dismissing the energy as a distraction, I allowed it to be there. There's a certain meditation practice involving putting one's hand on the heart to connect with the emotions in the present, as opposed to the stories about why and what I shoulda/coulda/woulda done if I wasn't an idiot. I got the impression that there's a tiny part of me that is hurting very badly. He doesn't feel heard, and he does feel helpless, unprotected, and unsafe. This leads to power-seeking and a mentality of "I've got to get them before they get me!" However I just have these impulses and without sitting down to pay attention, I am not able to ask why.
TBH, I'm not ready to work with this yet, and will bring it up in therapy for advice. Trying to welcome the hurting parts of me has resulted in strange feelings. Once I felt overwhelmed and the second was this morning with the anger/bitterness. In both cases I had a distinct sense of the hurting parts being confused. They had expected a fight and instead were welcomed. They don't trust me - which is their right, as I have been very inconsistent with myself. I would say this was "lately," but that would imply it hasn't always been that way. Or in the words of the great Mitch Hedberg, "I still do, but I used to, too"
I suspect it has something do with it being a personality trait. I wish I was more organized and could stay on the same thing long enough to see if it's working or not. This is also something I need to be patient with and not try to chase it off.
I've realized how much of the distress I've been feeling is due to a sort of auto-pilot obligation of empathy for someone I'm close to, and I've decided to work on letting their distress be on the other side of a new boundary. It dawned on me how much they need help for their mental problems; but I'm not their healer.
I'm naturally a person who loves people and yet I need alone-time to work and think. When I'm able to be in my place, it is usually a peaceful and creative zone, buzzing with energy.
I don't want to use it up on by giving it away anymore.
I'm naturally a person who loves people and yet I need alone-time to work and think. When I'm able to be in my place, it is usually a peaceful and creative zone, buzzing with energy.
I don't want to use it up on by giving it away anymore.
cautiously optimistic. Have visit with optometrist in 1 hr for dry eyes consult. Today is exactly day 10 since I woke up with horribly irritated eyelids. At end of day 2, I contacted tele-health that is available thru my health plan. Doc said see an ophthalmologist/optometrist. Found someone in my plan and requested appointment. Appt request form has selection for why you're coming in and dry eyes is one of them, so hoping they can help or at least point me in the right direction.
Physically I'm struggling with sleep as per usual. Stomach is also being irritated and irritable, which is not unlike the rest of me. I've been diagnosed with GERD/reflux in the past but I rarely have problems unless I'm eating a lot of carbs and fat with not enough protein. So a Cheesecake Factory size bowl of pasta Alfredo is basically the worst thing I can do to my gut and I will suffer for it later. Unfortunately, starch + cheese = my favorite food. I forgot what the triggers are for me and I've been eating bread and cheese to try and save money on takeout. And then I had mozzarella sticks, which is again cheese + bread that is deep fried. I know better. Dang. I guess the thing I can appreciate is that I've been good enough for long enough to forget that I need to be careful.
Physically I'm struggling with sleep as per usual. Stomach is also being irritated and irritable, which is not unlike the rest of me. I've been diagnosed with GERD/reflux in the past but I rarely have problems unless I'm eating a lot of carbs and fat with not enough protein. So a Cheesecake Factory size bowl of pasta Alfredo is basically the worst thing I can do to my gut and I will suffer for it later. Unfortunately, starch + cheese = my favorite food. I forgot what the triggers are for me and I've been eating bread and cheese to try and save money on takeout. And then I had mozzarella sticks, which is again cheese + bread that is deep fried. I know better. Dang. I guess the thing I can appreciate is that I've been good enough for long enough to forget that I need to be careful.
That's terrible. There are some meds that should not be discontinued abruptly. IDK if doc would be willing to do this but it couldn't hurt to ask for twice the prescription for one month so you have a reserve on hand in case this happens again. If it's an SSRI, then I'm sorry. I know what that is. FWIW back in the late 1990s the insurance coverage was based on the count of pills regardless of dosage. So I had a number of pdocs who would prescribe 2x size pills, with the instruction to cut them in half. I don't see this anymore, though.
Nonetheless, it's always a wildcard dealing with the pharmacy. Every individual location is different, even in the same of the two available chains out there. I eventually found out that, if your insurance covers a hospital system, e.g., UC-Health, the doc can send your prescription to an outpatient pharmacy and those are generally about a million times less trouble.
But, yeah. Is it okay if I fume a bit about your doc leaving you high and dry about that?
Nonetheless, it's always a wildcard dealing with the pharmacy. Every individual location is different, even in the same of the two available chains out there. I eventually found out that, if your insurance covers a hospital system, e.g., UC-Health, the doc can send your prescription to an outpatient pharmacy and those are generally about a million times less trouble.
But, yeah. Is it okay if I fume a bit about your doc leaving you high and dry about that?
I'm going to take a nap. Not because I can, or even want to. I've knocked over three things in five minutes and I'm having trouble keeping my head higher than my shoulders unless I'm lying down. Strangley, sensation in my fingers & toes is off & on, so maybe a nerve thing.
On the bright side, I did get some eye drops made with a steroid to calm down my super angry eyelids. I already feel a bit less horrid now so like down from a 7/10 on the pain severity scale to a 6. Doc said it would take a few days. Other than that my cold compress mask is my new best friend, lol. Honestly I just think the eye mask numbs out the nerve endings, but at least I can fall asleep that way. PS - I do NOT wish eye inflammation on ANYONE - seriously I have not been my best self lately.
On the bright side, I did get some eye drops made with a steroid to calm down my super angry eyelids. I already feel a bit less horrid now so like down from a 7/10 on the pain severity scale to a 6. Doc said it would take a few days. Other than that my cold compress mask is my new best friend, lol. Honestly I just think the eye mask numbs out the nerve endings, but at least I can fall asleep that way. PS - I do NOT wish eye inflammation on ANYONE - seriously I have not been my best self lately.
