I was watching the Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube (she's great) and realized why I was so severely triggered during my IRL depression support meeting on Thursday. A man mentioned his 14 year old daughter is feeling suicidal and getting a ton of help and support.
I was not suicidal at 14 but I was homicidal and fantasized constantly about stabbing my abusive mother when she was beating my younger brother. I took an audio recording of the beatings to my high-school counsellor and he asked if I wanted to go into foster care. I realize now as an adult that obviously this decision should not have been left in my hands. I was scared. My mother was a teacher and had made sure we were terrified of foster care.
So now I blame my lack of courage for the fact that my younger brother, who is now 51, did not get away from the abuse, never fulfilled his life's potential and was recently diagnosed with cancer.
Yes, I blame myself. My lack of courage didn't just destroy my own life, but his too. I realize that it's certainly possible we would have ended up in an even worse situation. However, I will never stop blaming myself for being a coward.