How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[MisterBGone]

my wife and i talked at length today and jasmine is NOT for sale. the issue was i can't work on her like i used to. my son has been doing most of the work . i also have a son in law that's a mechanic and he is always willing to work on her. i couldn't ask for a better son in law. but for anything major it would be difficult. i mistook exhaustion for getting tired about working on jasmine . my son has been working crazy hours and is behind on things that he was supposed to do this spring. somtimes i get a little touchy especially depending on others. but i'm ok now.

mike....

The other thing to consider, and maybe it's already been pointed out, now would be a fine time to feel that way... but how about/what about--in the spring? When it's one weekend away from going to take her (back) out! I ask, I don't tell. Or simply subliminally suggest... j/k-> =D

 

[MisterBGone]

I was watching the Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube (she's great) and realized why I was so severely triggered during my IRL depression support meeting on Thursday. A man mentioned his 14 year old daughter is feeling suicidal and getting a ton of help and support.

I was not suicidal at 14 but I was homicidal and fantasized constantly about stabbing my abusive mother when she was beating my younger brother. I took an audio recording of the beatings to my high-school counsellor and he asked if I wanted to go into foster care. I realize now as an adult that obviously this decision should not have been left in my hands. I was scared. My mother was a teacher and had made sure we were terrified of foster care.

So now I blame my lack of courage for the fact that my younger brother, who is now 51, did not get away from the abuse, never fulfilled his life's potential and was recently diagnosed with cancer.

Yes, I blame myself. My lack of courage didn't just destroy my own life, but his too. I realize that it's certainly possible we would have ended up in an even worse situation. However, I will never stop blaming myself for being a coward.

There's no way on any earth that you could, nor should yo ube blamed or held responsible for much of anything at the tender age of 14- (let alone 'THIS!').
Sorry to hear of your brother's diagnosis. Even reversing those numbers, I had a hard time standing up for myself. And in much less dire circumstances! So I know it is embedded in your brain. Imprinted, as they say. . . But that doesn't make it accurate, truthful, or right.

 

[Lane]

Thanks buddy. My mind won't shut off, depression won't lift, and I've already been through the whole therapy scene. It's a fact that life is crap.

I think you're right that life is crap and the lucky ones have moments of pleasure. That's my goal.

 

[Lane]

I was watching the Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube (she's great) and realized why I was so severely triggered during my IRL depression support meeting on Thursday. A man mentioned his 14 year old daughter is feeling suicidal and getting a ton of help and support.

I was not suicidal at 14 but I was homicidal and fantasized constantly about stabbing my abusive mother when she was beating my younger brother. I took an audio recording of the beatings to my high-school counsellor and he asked if I wanted to go into foster care. I realize now as an adult that obviously this decision should not have been left in my hands. I was scared. My mother was a teacher and had made sure we were terrified of foster care.

So now I blame my lack of courage for the fact that my younger brother, who is now 51, did not get away from the abuse, never fulfilled his life's potential and was recently diagnosed with cancer.

Yes, I blame myself. My lack of courage didn't just destroy my own life, but his too. I realize that it's certainly possible we would have ended up in an even worse situation. However, I will never stop blaming myself for being a coward.

I'm sorry that you went through that Lady. You were only a child and brainwashed. So please don't beat yourself up for lack of courage, you did have courage for dealing with that when you should have had a caring mother and decent, loving environment. Thank goodness your brother wasn't alone through the ordeal, that's how I see it, my humble opinion.

 

[Angie]

Dreading another day.

I really hate that feeling of looking at a long day and not being able to be at peace.

 

[Windhover]

Yesrerday, I did a couple of things right. I'm going to try for that today. Focusing in on those is a way to partially quiet the pain my mind, which would be a plus.


hugs to all who need them

 

[Bergerac]

Yesrerday, I did a couple of things right. I'm going to try for that today. Focusing in on those is a way to partially quiet the pain my mind, which would be a plus.


hugs to all who need them

I did that last week. Uplifted me no end.

 

[HappyKitty]

i never wanna share my family rl im beginning to have heart problems as well. so i keep quiet. my health is drainin.' im glad im medicated for that. hoping to find long term relief

 

[Bergerac]

i never wanna share my family rl im beginning to have heart problems as well. so i keep quiet. my health is drainin.' im glad im medicated for that. hoping to find long term relief

I'm sorry you have to go through so much.

 

[Windhover]

I did that last week. Uplifted me no end.

That's reinforcing, thanks @Bergerac .

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

@1964dodge @Lane @seabird @MisterBGone - thanks for your responses. I know intellectually of course that I as a terrified teenager did not have the courage to require the adults in my life to do the right thing and step in to protect my brother and I. And of course I also know that things could have also gotten worse if we had been put in foster care (or had been forced to move thousands of miles away to live with my father and his new girlfriend). I definitely also put some blame on the high-school counsellor who took no action. It still makes me feel awful that I didn't have what it took to save my brother. I did constantly tell him that the abuse wasn't his fault (I would have loved to have someone to tell me that at the time).

 

[cymbele]

Doing all right but eating a lot of junk. Sort of mad at myself but not enough to stop eating. I'll be ok. But I don't want to gain it again so I have to stop

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

Doing all right but eating a lot of junk. Sort of mad at myself but not enough to stop eating. I'll be ok. But I don't want to gain it again so I have to stop

Can be so hard to resist if you are stressed or sleep deprived - so that may be something to consider. My weakness was the vending machine at work at 3pm for a chocolate bar to have with my tea.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I also find that since coming off meds I am eating less and feeling less hungry. I never realized they might have contributed to my weight gain

 

[AvidFan]

Tired but things are going well. I've had new projects opened up to me and attended some online training today. I do need to find a better work life balance but I just booked 2 weeks completely off over Christmas, so that's something to look forward to. Collapse and eat crap and sleep for 2 weeks, that'll do me. Love to anyone who reads this and needs it! ❤️❤️❤️

 

[MisterBGone]

@1964dodge @Lane @seabird @MisterBGone - thanks for your responses. I know intellectually of course that I as a terrified teenager did not have the courage to require the adults in my life to do the right thing and step in to protect my brother and I. And of course I also know that things could have also gotten worse if we had been put in foster care (or had been forced to move thousands of miles away to live with my father and his new girlfriend). I definitely also put some blame on the high-school counsellor who took no action. It still makes me feel awful that I didn't have what it took to save my brother. I did constantly tell him that the abuse wasn't his fault (I would have loved to have someone to tell me that at the time).

I'm just wondering if you think... there was any conflict of interest at play there, with the counselor and your mother having been a teacher? I guess it really doesn't matter, "the Why?" / as perhaps he just made a poor assessment~ / & you guys have had to live with the aftermath! BUT- I do wonder if somehow, and maybe it's a little hard to tell, or objectively evaluate. . . (because you still keep coming back to & mentioning this, 'guilt') if because of this tragedy; that being, the way that things turned out. You've obviously harbored this for quite some time... but do you think you might have actually made-up for it, somewhat? Or to some extent? Spent your life trying to make up for it to your Brother? So, maybe I'm just saying that you have done a lot of good - & maybe even more than you otherwise would have - given the nature of how things turned out? Am I saying that things turned out for the best? Of course not. . . What I am saying, is that maybe you could/should - or it would be, "okay!" for you to acknowledge that you've done some pretty extraordinary and wonderful things to & for your sibling. Who knows? Maybe I'm way off base~ (in which case: I'm sure you know what to do!)

 

[MisterBGone]

Doing all right but eating a lot of junk. Sort of mad at myself but not enough to stop eating. I'll be ok. But I don't want to gain it again so I have to stop

Sometimes the getting mad at ourselves just makes us eat more, or even more likely to do it again next time. . . So, perhaps it's alright if you just go easy on yourself, and not punish or admonish over what can be a rather human thing to do, and just... let it go~ (it's all good!) I don't think kicking my own butt, and torturing myself, ever made me "learn my lesson," and do better next time (in ignoring or not engaging in, or participating in the behavior).

 

[KM76710]

i never wanna share my family rl im beginning to have heart problems as well. so i keep quiet. my health is drainin.' im glad im medicated for that. hoping to find long term relief

I am glad tht you are medicated and I also hope that the long term relief that you need comes quickly for you.

 

[nicktheundoer]

Feeling a little under the weather today since sunday..

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I'm just wondering if you think... there was any conflict of interest at play there, with the counselor and your mother having been a teacher? I guess it really doesn't matter, "the Why?" / as perhaps he just made a poor assessment~ / & you guys have had to live with the aftermath! BUT- I do wonder if somehow, and maybe it's a little hard to tell, or objectively evaluate. . . (because you still keep coming back to & mentioning this, 'guilt') if because of this tragedy; that being, the way that things turned out. You've obviously harbored this for quite some time... but do you think you might have actually made-up for it, somewhat? Or to some extent? Spent your life trying to make up for it to your Brother? So, maybe I'm just saying that you have done a lot of good - & maybe even more than you otherwise would have - given the nature of how things turned out? Am I saying that things turned out for the best? Of course not. . . What I am saying, is that maybe you could/should - or it would be, "okay!" for you to acknowledge that you've done some pretty extraordinary and wonderful things to & for your sibling. Who knows? Maybe I'm way off base~ (in which case: I'm sure you know what to do!)

I've never even thought about conflict of interest - my mother was a teacher in the Catholic school system and I went to a public high school, so I don't think so.

I have always tried to be a good sister and encourage my brother. I wanted him to go to college because he is brilliant especially with computers, but he never went. My mother discouraged him by refusing to help pay, although she and my father both had degrees (my mother is British so her education was free). I took out student loans for my degree, but my brother didn't want to and his future wife wasn't in favour of him getting into debt. He really regrets it now. I have suggested he go back but he refuses. He worked for a small company for years in the warehouse and then when he got laid off spent a few years doing deliveries for Amazon. They are pretty well off financially though because his wife is a book-keeper and his best friend from high school is a hotshot investment advisor so they have made a lot of money on the stock market. Also my brother had Critical Illness Insurance so got a large lump sum from his cancer diagnosis. But he refuses to spend any of it on getting any more education for himself. His 19-year-old son is in college and they are saving to buy him his own condo. I wish my brother would spend a little money on himself. My personal feeling is he has no hope left for himself and just wants to pour everything into his son. I'm going to perhaps have a chat with my nephew one of these days about encouraging his Dad. I sent my brother some information about free online courses in app development offered by a local college. His doctor thinks they got all the cancer out of him, but he will have to take some preventative chemo just in case. Maybe after that he can do something? I'm not sure. I just want him to be have some sense of personal accomplishment - he has told me he feels really bad seeing his former classmates have impressive careers while he has none. It hurts my heart. He is a gamer and is very self-educated about many topics including computing and politics. He enjoys cooking and does most of the cooking for his family.