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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
Pleased with myself. I didn't text the builder straight back (it's evening and my time!) and I managed to rack up a few more earnings doing my remote job. It's funny, I tried to work at my office desk upstairs and could never concentrate or feel motivated, while I quite enjoy doing it from the comfort of my sofa, I enjoyed my little stint just now - more profitable than posting on Reddit. I suppose I feel like I'm making money out of idle time 😊 Only another 250 hours of it and I could pay for a new roof 🤪
I’m scared. I’m safe for now. I’m alarmed at how quickly my mood deteriorated today. I’m thinking of contacting someone who I trust more than anyone with asking for help. I’m afraid of being a burden on her, though. She already has so much on her plate, and I’m thinking this might be a heavy thing for her to work with me on.
I think it's just the natural fluctuation of emotion combined with known mental illness. Naturally, our emotions go up and down, but with mental illness that naturalness is heightened quite a bit. And yes, we often wonder why and what we could have done wrong to make it happen, but I think the main answer is just an imbalance of neurotransmitters.
I don't feel well today. I'm experiencing a lot of switching. It's a good thing I'm not working today. I can be free to be me/us (I have C-PTSD & Dissociative Identity Disorder). Child alters/parts are coming out to write & draw about what happened to them. When I'm about to switch to a distressed alter/part, I start to:
• feel very shaky from deep inside
• notice my eyes jerking from right to left quickly in spurts
• feel someone crying from my eyes (tears that aren't mine well up in my eyes & then stream down my face)
• breathe quickly & shallowly
• make groaning/grunting noises
• feel my face going numb
• feel spacy, lightheaded, & dizzy
• feel the emotions of whoever is about to come out
• feel my body get smaller & my thoughts become that of a child's
• hear a child alter crying from deep inside
• feel my head as I have cotton in it
• notice my focus narrows & my eyes fixate on an object in the room
• experience everything blacken
When I come back, I've lost an hour to two hours. I return to feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I have trouble walking from the distress held by my child alters/inside children. I'm exhausted, teary, & have a bad headache which I have to take pain medication for. I find drawings & writings scattered about my livingroom floor done by my inside children that took on the trauma for me when I was little. I can't look at the drawings because they severely frighten me & I still have trouble accepting that those things happened to "me" & that my child alters are spit-off parts of my mind that helped me to survive what I/we went through at home & outside the home such as school church. I'm also frightened by two alters (a 17-year-old & an 11-year-old) who are suicidal. I cope with their thoughts & feelings on top of my own, which is very hard. They also sometimes ☆☆☆Trigger Warning ☆☆☆ self-harm depending on how distressed they feel. That brings to now. I continue to feel awful. All I can do is lay down & wait for everything to pass which takes many hours. So, I lay down on my bed, watch Netflix, & then fall asleep. That's what went on today. I almost called my psychologist but decided I can deal with this okay on my own. Thank you for reading.
😢
• feel very shaky from deep inside
• notice my eyes jerking from right to left quickly in spurts
• feel someone crying from my eyes (tears that aren't mine well up in my eyes & then stream down my face)
• breathe quickly & shallowly
• make groaning/grunting noises
• feel my face going numb
• feel spacy, lightheaded, & dizzy
• feel the emotions of whoever is about to come out
• feel my body get smaller & my thoughts become that of a child's
• hear a child alter crying from deep inside
• feel my head as I have cotton in it
• notice my focus narrows & my eyes fixate on an object in the room
• experience everything blacken
When I come back, I've lost an hour to two hours. I return to feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I have trouble walking from the distress held by my child alters/inside children. I'm exhausted, teary, & have a bad headache which I have to take pain medication for. I find drawings & writings scattered about my livingroom floor done by my inside children that took on the trauma for me when I was little. I can't look at the drawings because they severely frighten me & I still have trouble accepting that those things happened to "me" & that my child alters are spit-off parts of my mind that helped me to survive what I/we went through at home & outside the home such as school church. I'm also frightened by two alters (a 17-year-old & an 11-year-old) who are suicidal. I cope with their thoughts & feelings on top of my own, which is very hard. They also sometimes ☆☆☆Trigger Warning ☆☆☆ self-harm depending on how distressed they feel. That brings to now. I continue to feel awful. All I can do is lay down & wait for everything to pass which takes many hours. So, I lay down on my bed, watch Netflix, & then fall asleep. That's what went on today. I almost called my psychologist but decided I can deal with this okay on my own. Thank you for reading.
😢
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I don't feel well today. I'm experiencing a lot of switching. It's a good thing I'm not working today. I can be free to be me/us (I have C-PTSD & Dissociative Identity Disorder). Child alters/parts are coming out to write & draw about what happened to them. When I'm about to switch to a distressed alter/part, I start to:
• feel very shaky from deep inside
• notice my eyes jerking from right to left quickly in spurts
• feel someone crying from my eyes (tears that aren't mine well up in my eyes & then stream down my face)
• breathe quickly & shallowly
• make groaning/grunting noises
• feel my face going numb
• feel spacy, lightheaded, & dizzy
• feel the emotions of whoever is about to come out
• feel my body get smaller & my thoughts become that of a child's
• hear a child alter crying from deep inside
• feel my head as I have cotton in it
• notice my focus narrows & my eyes fixate on an object in the room
• experience everything blacken
When I come back, I've lost an hour to two hours. I return to feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I have trouble walking from the distress held by my child alters/inside children. I'm exhausted, teary, & have a bad headache which I have to take pain medication for. I find drawings & writings scattered about my livingroom floor done by my inside children that took on the trauma for me when I was little. I can't look at the drawings because they severely frighten me & I still have trouble accepting that those things happened to "me" & that my child alters are spit-off parts of my mind that helped me to survive what I/we went through at home & outside the home such as school church. I'm also frightened by two alters (a 17-year-old & an 11-year-old) who are suicidal. I cope with their thoughts & feelings on top of my own, which is very hard. They also sometimes ☆☆☆Trigger Warning ☆☆☆ self-harm depending on how distressed they feel. That brings to now. I continue to feel awful. All I can do is lay down & wait for everything to pass which takes many hours. So, I lay down on my bed, watch Netflix, & then fall asleep. That's what went on today. I almost called my psychologist but decided I can deal with this okay on my own. Thank you for reading.😢
• feel very shaky from deep inside
• notice my eyes jerking from right to left quickly in spurts
• feel someone crying from my eyes (tears that aren't mine well up in my eyes & then stream down my face)
• breathe quickly & shallowly
• make groaning/grunting noises
• feel my face going numb
• feel spacy, lightheaded, & dizzy
• feel the emotions of whoever is about to come out
• feel my body get smaller & my thoughts become that of a child's
• hear a child alter crying from deep inside
• feel my head as I have cotton in it
• notice my focus narrows & my eyes fixate on an object in the room
• experience everything blacken
When I come back, I've lost an hour to two hours. I return to feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I have trouble walking from the distress held by my child alters/inside children. I'm exhausted, teary, & have a bad headache which I have to take pain medication for. I find drawings & writings scattered about my livingroom floor done by my inside children that took on the trauma for me when I was little. I can't look at the drawings because they severely frighten me & I still have trouble accepting that those things happened to "me" & that my child alters are spit-off parts of my mind that helped me to survive what I/we went through at home & outside the home such as school church. I'm also frightened by two alters (a 17-year-old & an 11-year-old) who are suicidal. I cope with their thoughts & feelings on top of my own, which is very hard. They also sometimes ☆☆☆Trigger Warning ☆☆☆ self-harm depending on how distressed they feel. That brings to now. I continue to feel awful. All I can do is lay down & wait for everything to pass which takes many hours. So, I lay down on my bed, watch Netflix, & then fall asleep. That's what went on today. I almost called my psychologist but decided I can deal with this okay on my own. Thank you for reading.
😢
I relate to the scary drawings done by younger self(ves). I went through a period of that myself, which earned me the DID diagnosis also.
May I encourage you that it can and does get better? At least it has for me in my experience.
Be glad to support you in PM also, should you choose. I am around off and on during the US day (and night!).
Bless you
Pretty damn anxious. I'd got calm yesterday and my blood pressure was down but as soon as this builder got in touch again it shot back up. I can't put my finger on whether it's just anxiety, but none of it felt right, it seemed too cheap, he was too vague, he wanted paying in cash, there was no written agreement and I didn't even have a landline number or address - just a profile on this anonymous Mybuilder site. He might be totally genuine and a good guy, but if he isn't and I went ahead, what if there were any issues? I felt I was in such a precarious position with my mental health just now that something big like all of that going wrong, would tip me over the edge. So I messaged him and insisted on a written quote, business address and to see his insurance details. I think this is fair enough. If he has insurance, great - at least I'm not liable if the wall falls on him or the neighbours (unlikely, but then so are most things we insure for!). If he doesn't like that I guess he'll have to lump it - or I'll know from his reaction that it would have been a bad idea anyway. Not sure at all if I've done the right thing as I hate to mess people about, but I need some breathing space, I really do.
Horrible. The guy called me, then he texted me to call him, so I did, I've got myself in a right pickle with this now. He clarified for starters that the job is £420 per day so it will be £840, which was worth getting clarification on and seems more realistic. He was quite sad sounding and said he's never had anyone send him a message like mine in his 30 years of the trade and to read his reviews, which are all good to be fair. He said he'd even dig the garden out which I was going to do myself and was dreading. I told him I was suffering anxiety and the pressure to get started was freaking me out, he said sorry and he would leave me to read the reviews, then he is going away and he'd check in with me when he got back. I said I need to check with the neighbours anyway as they are party walls etc. I didn't smell any bullshit to be honest. Most of my anxiety has been about trying to manage the garden becoming a building site for 2 days and having to lose money not working. Oh well I've got some breathing space.
Blood pressure before call was 117/79, after it was 140/92 - think it's clear what's causing my BP issues. At some point I'm just going to have to get this done, but I need the time to think. Last year someone took £500 off me to clear the trees and weeds out of my garden, so £840 seems about par for the job now - but good job I checked really! Not that I can spare £840 right now, but hopefully the roof will hold a while longer. I honestly wish I hadn't set the ball rolling on any of this and left it until I was feeling better. Just thought sorting something would make me feel better but it had the opposite effect once things started up 😢
Blood pressure before call was 117/79, after it was 140/92 - think it's clear what's causing my BP issues. At some point I'm just going to have to get this done, but I need the time to think. Last year someone took £500 off me to clear the trees and weeds out of my garden, so £840 seems about par for the job now - but good job I checked really! Not that I can spare £840 right now, but hopefully the roof will hold a while longer. I honestly wish I hadn't set the ball rolling on any of this and left it until I was feeling better. Just thought sorting something would make me feel better but it had the opposite effect once things started up 😢
Right now I feel disheartened. I’m not that bad off financially, but I’m falling further behind over time, and this needs to change or I will be on the street in several years. I make more than average pay, and yet I live with roommates because I have been priced out of 1- bed apartment spaces. It’s economic slavery.
