How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[seabird]

Same as Reality, I've been wondering about Mike, @1964dodge too, as well as @Gard . I hope they're both alright.

@Reality I may have have mentioned it once or twice; I support you in that extremely difficult decision. I hope you know it's so: you're held in high esteem here.

 

[seabird]

I fell awake after a bad dream or I guess it was a nightmare. A clear metaphor for how I've been feeling. Thankfully they haven't been happening as much, but this one was awfully gross.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Like a breath of fresh air. We don’t have to go to Verizon anymore, and it may have been Xfinity all along.

 

[Aurelia]

Sure sounds like a sleep panic attack to me. I looked it up and that's a thing, lol. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-am-i-panicking-in-my-sleep
Ofc it's Cleveland Clinic so their answer to everything is diet and exercise, and if that doesn't work, start a mindfulness practice. As if we hadn't been told that yet!

I have experienced what's called hypnic jerks - https://www.health.com/hypnic-jerks-8710756
Funnily I have not had them too much since I got into Somatic Experiencing (SE) therapy for my PTSD. I remember having them when I was a little kid almost every night. When I first went to bed, I would have a dream that I was flying with only my body, which I quite enjoyed. But eventually the dream would end with my flight collapsing into my physical body and the hypnic jerk would make it feel like I just fell into myself. Even looked like it if I was on a waterbed. Went all the way into my 30s

It couldn't have been a sleep panic attack because I was already awake when it started. Sleep panic attacks, from what I read, wake the individual up. Thank you, though. I appreciate your response.

 

[Bergerac]

My friend only has around 2-3 years to live. I have been helping him for some time, but his morals are questionable and it makes me want to withdraw, in some ways. It’s just a dilemma. Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Bummed out.

 

[total eclipse]

Wanting to pass out

 

[Inastorm]

Relieved it's Friday. I've got to commute today for one meeting at office but then straight home, and next week is pretty light on meetings so can wfh most days and catch up with project admin and progression. Lot of people on holidays this time of year so things can be quieter even though the cogs don't stop turning...

Did your day go as planned? any drama?

 

[Inastorm]

Wanting to pass out

You okay?

 

[AvidFan]

Did your day go as planned? any drama?

The bus actually turned up outside the train station so I got home in about 24 minutes today after my meeting. Aside from that, just plodding on. My brain is really tired from work. I think I'll take tomorrow off. It is Saturday afterall, I always take Saturday morning off but usually do a couple of hours in the late afternoon. I'll see how I feel. Next week's quiet so I might do some half days - joys of self employment!

 

[LumberJack]

It couldn't have been a sleep panic attack because I was already awake when it started. Sleep panic attacks, from what I read, wake the individual up. Thank you, though. I appreciate your response.

Oh I got it now. We are in agreement, but I didn't read the prior msg correctly. Apologies.

 

[Aurelia]

Oh I got it now. We are in agreement, but I didn't read the prior msg correctly. Apologies.

No need! ❤️

 

[cinnnamonflakez]

I feel horrible. I'm having another one of my insomnia episodes. I didn't sleep for six days. Just typing this feels like fighting a war.

 

[TragicReality]

The part about your son's behavior sounds really hard. I have been in "recovery" for over 15 years and only continuously abstinent for 3. Been through the entire continuum of care from "white knuckling it" on up to inpatient rehab and private addiction treatment. So I would expect myself to know how to do this "boundaries" thing and able to determine the border between offering loving support and care of a close relative, vs enabling their self (and sometimes other)-destructive behaviors. Had a similar pattern with my niece, who AFAIK is still struggling with IV opiate addiction. Similar issue with my sister presently, who is spiraling due to grief and not letting anyone help. So- yes it is heart-rending and feels extraordinarily guilt-inducing, like you are overriding your instinct to care for him.

As per my developmental psychology course, young children tend to bond most strongly to the opposite-sex parent, so that is why we have "momma's boys" and "daddy's girls" So the bond between you is one of the strongest bonds of human nature. Which is why it is so brutally painful... but for me - I have had to take the long-term perspective, as in "will I feel like I did the right thing 1 or even 5 years from now?" People don't change until they are in a situation where the pain of the status quo exceeds the perceived pain of change. This is the more articulate description of having to "hit bottom."

Not everyone bottoms out at the same point, but everyone has to reach a point where it's hurting so bad and destroying so much that one is willing to do anything to change. Based on your previous posts I have the image that he is past the point of enabling though, and when I read the posts about your son, I make up an image of someone who is like my niece, i.e., any material resources contributed will allow the addiction to continue snowballing. Because if I buy her clothes, she has more money for drugs. If I drive her somewhere, she didn't spend money on fuel that she can now spend on drugs, and so on. This is based on empirical observation; she only got worse when we tried to help. But I imagine it is far more difficult and painful for you, because he is your son. I am not a parent so it's not possible for me to put myself in your position. I can put myself relatively close though, and can only imagine how tough it must be to stick to your guns.

If I could I would like to remind you that you are strong for doing this, and I don't know if he will get better, but it very much appears to be that when you help him he tends to go off the rails again.

I hope that helps. It's more just my reaction than advice, so if it doesn't match your experience please disregard it. Sorry I'm just really vulnerable and raw right now.

I'm sorry your feeling like that, I don't mind anything you said, it's helpful. I never considered the parent bonding thing, and right now it makes some sense. I always looked to my dad more than my mom. He tried to play with me, he'd take me for a drive for candy, he tried to teach me things. Not that my mom didn't try to do her best. I just felt closer to my dad. I still remember the last time he played with me, tickiling me and me laughing on the floor. My mom said stop it (name) that's enough, and he never hugged me or played with me again. Until years later, I felt confused, confined to the house and wanted to walk out. Mom was saying NO! I just reached to my dad and hugged him and he hugged me. He said ''I've been waiting for you for so long''.... I guess he meant he expected me to hug him sooner. Mom was angry. She said, what is the matter with you 2.? There was nothing the matter, I needed a hug.
Sorry off topic.

my son would take clothes I bought him and sell them for drugs, shoes, whatever he could do. Bar fridge gone etc. My phones borrowed and then so called ''lost''... He does need a working phone. I left some money in the mail box. He knocked a while ago on my bedroom window. I pretended I didn't hear him. I guess I'll ask tomorrow if it was enough money for the sim card he needs. He can call through messenger but he must be using someone else's wifi. It's just that he's becoming so aggressive it's dangerous. Thank you for what you said to me. I appreciate it. It is difficult. I couldn't reach him for days last year and it drove me crazy with worry because he threatens suicide. I know all he wants is to come back in here for a place to sleep, but I can't allow this behaviour anymore. I know he's depressed, but he's had a long time to at least start to change, he's close to mid 20's now, there are shelters and there is assistance. I'm going to make sure his phone is working tomorrow, or else he can't get anything done.

 

[TragicReality]

I feel horrible. I'm having another one of my insomnia episodes. I didn't sleep for six days. Just typing this feels like fighting a war.

That's awful. I'm sorry. I once didn't sleep for a week. Is there anything you can take to help? If you don't have any psychiatric meds, can you try zzquil or an over the counter med?

 

[AvidFan]

I feel horrible. I'm having another one of my insomnia episodes. I didn't sleep for six days. Just typing this feels like fighting a war.

Sorry you are going through this. I am another insomniac, my "good" nights would leave most normal people calling in sick from work for a month... it's been quite bad this week. At the same time at least it's not complete insomnia, just poor, shortened episodes of sleep. I hope you can win a battle soon.

 

[AvidFan]

I am almost ready to mobilise and put my plan into action. No, not that plan, but to finally admit defeat. My body's broken, I think there is something wrong with me but I've been putting off the doctors because I hate doctors and medical issues and just thought I could get away with a few more years having spent the last 20 doing the best to look after myself - quitting smoking, drinking, taking up exercise, doing therapy, changing career etc. But I think something's wrong with me due to my fucking defective DNA, and I will now have to initiate the process. Not because I think anyone can help me, but because I will need diagnosis and GP letters and fuck knows what else to claim my critical illness if I'm "lucky" enough to have one of the illnesses they describe at a serious enough level. Caude equine syndrome? Only pays out if you're permanently disabled so if you're in a hospital bed for 6 months, can't work, but then get better, tough, you paid the insurance but you lost the house anyway.... Just one example. Prostate cancer? Sorry, only if it's REALLY serious and we'll decide on that. Again you pay your premiums but they try to wriggle out of paying out unless you're almost literally at death's door. But I'll have to do something. Even if it's to just get intel to make a decision on whether I need to take the self compassionate bus route out of this fucking shitshow.

Woke at 5am today, after 2 hrs 20 minutes of trying to do vagus breathing and rest/go back to sleep I finally rage-quit my bed. I was thinking of my method in bed and ready to punch myself, the wall, or anything, and longing to just open my exit kit, so had to get up as resting I was not. I am not actively planning anything right now but I am planning taking the edge off with the meds I have at my disposal, which I need anyway due to the unbearable physical symptoms which have been plaguing me since May, when I was merrily running 10 miles every Sunday and other runs in the week, now I measure my life out in trying to walk 10,000 steps in a day, on a good day. And my social life is gone with the running and my health.

Maybe I should start a new thread of my own to stop clogging this one with my bullshit.

 

[Lane]

A bit anxious about the drive to see my old college friend. We're meeting halfway at a restaurant.

 

[jess♡]

I feel like shit, I am struggling badly with thoughts and they’re making my head hurt.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Disappointed.