How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[TragicReality]

Stressed over financial viability. I’m also dealing with pain, but it is mild compared to what you described, @Reality.

That said, it is my experience that the patient is tasked with keeping watch over their own care. Thanks to for-profit healthcare in the USA, most providers are staffed with a skeleton crew that can barely deal with the insurance headaches, let alone have anyone who oversees the cases for individual patients.

It's really no better in Canada. I can't get another doctor when I have one already. I did have to remove myself from his care to look for another one years back, and no one I called was accepting new patients. This general surgeon just got his surgeon license in Yukon, this makes me nervous. Up north is the cheapest areas to get anything related to being a doctor. I dont like my own doctor. He's also an anethesiologist, so you'd think he knows his stuff. He insists they take this lump out first, then look at it. I can't force him to get me a biopsy, he actually has nothing to do with what surgeon I get, it's out of his hands. He looked pretty tired after saying I'm not ARGUING with you about your pain meds, I wasn't arguing, just stating the facts. He's told me before, if I'm not done keep sitting there. This time he got up, I said you looked tired, he said, come on.... meaning you cant sit there and do anymore to get me to change my mind. It makes me mad I signed a pain contract thinking I'd be getting more opiods, the same friggin small dose over 5 years does not help. Sorry I vented again. I'm sure it sucks in the U.S. too.

 

[TragicReality]

One more vent, if I could pay someone else to look at me I would.

 

[cinnnamonflakez]

I'm wondering why any of this is happening. I genuinely don't understand why my life and my psyche ended up the way it did. I really tried my best to be happy, to be a good, normal kid and to just live my life as well as I could.

But everything around and inside me just deteriorated more and more every day, no matter what i tried. It's insane. I would've never believed it if somebody told me that this would be my life. Trying to find any sense of normalcy is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I'm all over the place. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want and I don't know where I'm going. It's so tiring. I've wanted to die for 8 years. I got so close to doing it so many times and I'm so damm pissed at myself for only going through with it twice and failing miserably both times.
Right now I really wish my stepfather was here. I just want him to scream at me and punch me in the gut for being a useless coward like he always did. I deserve it. I can't bring myself to do the only thing I've really wanted to do for years. My parents were right about everything. I'm a waste of space. I bring absolutely nothing to this world. I don't even do anything for myself. My existence is a curse to myself and everything around me.

Idk why I keep rambling here. You guys are probably just as annoyed of me as I am at this point.

 

[Inastorm]

My heartrate shot right up after getting an email. I wish I had someone irl to talk it over with, but it's a really nasty piece of work laying out blame on me for everything. I might have listened to this a few years ago and taken it to heart, the way I did with pretty much everything he told me about myself. Now, I feel like if I read it all the way through I'm gonna lose all the progress I've made in the last few months.

I would treat the email a bit like a disease. Handle with lots of protective clothing and equipment, basically protect yourself when you read it. Take care and be easy on yourself - the disease is intended to infect and cause harm, be careful.

 

[AvidFan]

Amitryptyline was the one I was thinking of. Gosh, I am so sad that it’s that hard for you. Even at my worst, a good workout will be helpful and maybe even enough when I am consistent with it day by day. And yet, you might as well be training for a marathon as much distance as you run, but even that is not enough.

Sadly I've had this weird back injury which has stopped me running for almost 2 months now (herniated disc has screwed up my sciatic nerve pathway). Part of the reason I've been struggling a lot lately and turning to old habits. Just walking 10,000 steps a day at the moment but it doesn't really feel like a workout, hopefully it will stop me putting weight on and desperately hoping I might be able to run again one day. But it seems some way off.

 

[TragicReality]

I'm wondering why any of this is happening. I genuinely don't understand why my life and my psyche ended up the way it did. I really tried my best to be happy, to be a good, normal kid and to just live my life as well as I could.

But everything around and inside me just deteriorated more and more every day, no matter what i tried. It's insane. I would've never believed it if somebody told me that this would be my life. Trying to find any sense of normalcy is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I'm all over the place. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want and I don't know where I'm going. It's so tiring. I've wanted to die for 8 years. I got so close to doing it so many times and I'm so damm pissed at myself for only going through with it twice and failing miserably both times.
Right now I really wish my stepfather was here. I just want him to scream at me and punch me in the gut for being a useless coward like he always did. I deserve it. I can't bring myself to do the only thing I've really wanted to do for years. My parents were right about everything. I'm a waste of space. I bring absolutely nothing to this world. I don't even do anything for myself. My existence is a curse to myself and everything around me.

Idk why I keep rambling here. You guys are probably just as annoyed of me as I am at this point.

No one is annoyed with you. You don't deserve a punch in the gut, or to be told you're a useless waste of space. I've had that line put on me, it's not true. You deserve to be kind to yourself. This world is a messed up place. It's not fair or easy. I wish there was something I could say that would make you believe you deserve to feel better, because you do.

 

[cymbele]

I’m having a tough time with my friend-the one I wrote about last month. Still out of work still has no friends except for me,another buddy and his sister. He is dipping into the suicidal thoughts now and I can’t be around enough to handle him while I’m having some despair in my own life. I know the pain he is going through trying to make a career change which he doesn’t have the skills for. I get nervous when he looks at the space in my house and speaks of moving in (although I have stressed that I will not have a roommate) But he is dragging me down emotionally and I am getting concerned about his safety. Except that he doesn’t have the means to ctb. But I talk to my psychiatrist on Friday and maybe ask for advice on how to deal with the situation.

 

[Windhover]

@Inastorm Thank you. Your metaphorical description works well in the situation. I did eventually read the whole bit, and you're right. It's intented to manipulate, to infect.

I'm less sad than really tired of this. not going to try to push that part away, it has to go away on its own.

 

[Windhover]

From acknowledgment and even honestly taking stock of what I really lost, I hope to process it through the grief process that I am too familiar with already.

For months I was doing the opposite and hoping it'd not be required to take stock of my hurts. But, now I am doing it, and some days it is rough as he** other days I'm pretty okay. Remembering the me that came before has helped so much. It's hard to describe, but it happened all of a sudden. I saw me, sans him, and istead of being scared I felt relieved and, it's hard to describe, like a friend who still likes me despite how dumb I've been.
I'm not all better, far from it. I've lost my confidence, my home, my belingings. I don't really know who I am right now, a miniscule blip in this watery part of the universe I suppose.

 

[1964dodge]

Don’t know what to think. Lost.

 

[1964dodge]

Hanging by a bloody thread.

 

[1964dodge]

I feel like I can't do it. Trying is just so exhausting. I just want to give up.

 

[1964dodge]

I'm fighting off some sort of bug. I might skip my workout this afternoon. Bad and sad memories can be pushed out of my thoughts during the day, but they crop back up at night when I'm asleep. Usually I can ignore nightmares and just go back to sleep, but sometimes they're intrusive. Last night's was gruesome. I'll get healthier mentally this half of the year. I will if necessary rip certain person out of my mind.

 

[1964dodge]

For months I was doing the opposite and hoping it'd not be required to take stock of my hurts. But, now I am doing it, and some days it is rough as he** other days I'm pretty okay. Remembering the me that came before has helped so much. It's hard to describe, but it happened all of a sudden. I saw me, sans him, and istead of being scared I felt relieved and, it's hard to describe, like a friend who still likes me despite how dumb I've been.
I'm not all better, far from it. I've lost my confidence, my home, my belingings. I don't really know who I am right now, a miniscule blip in this watery part of the universe I suppose.

 

[1964dodge]

8 o’clock. Already tired of life.

 

[1964dodge]

Not a lot to say. I took one extra pill last night to try to get sleep, I'm in a bad habit though of getting to sleep late and not waking up until 10 am. It's summer yet so I should be up at 7 or 8, get out and enjoy it. I thought about going in the evening, renting a motel room, at a nice beach. The price of motels around here is absolutely crazy. In a beautiful tropical place it's half the price as here, it makes no sense. I'm tired of taking over the counter stuff for pain, but my doctor leaves me no choice. I also don't understand, if they are labelling this lump as malignant, and a liposarcoma is, why am I seeing a general surgeon, and no biopsy first? I'm not a dramatic person, but with enough googling of these issues I have combined, the synovial lymph node is swollen and sore, my constipation makes sense if it spread. I'm a little bit nervous that I'm not getting proper treatment.

 

[1964dodge]

I was still tapering off it but then ended up taking diazepam rescue doses intermittently during the last few months - thought I'd got away with it but turns out I'd thrown myself back into a severe rebound with it. Then took propranolol as a safe option and that caused havoc as well. Ironically after tapering the other stuff (amitriptyline) for ages I ended up reinstating a full dose just to try to get some sleep and stability - I'll hopefully be able to drop back to the taper dose over a few weeks now I'm hopefully coming out of the worst of it, and throw the diazepam away.

 

[1964dodge]

It's really no better in Canada. I can't get another doctor when I have one already. I did have to remove myself from his care to look for another one years back, and no one I called was accepting new patients. This general surgeon just got his surgeon license in Yukon, this makes me nervous. Up north is the cheapest areas to get anything related to being a doctor. I dont like my own doctor. He's also an anethesiologist, so you'd think he knows his stuff. He insists they take this lump out first, then look at it. I can't force him to get me a biopsy, he actually has nothing to do with what surgeon I get, it's out of his hands. He looked pretty tired after saying I'm not ARGUING with you about your pain meds, I wasn't arguing, just stating the facts. He's told me before, if I'm not done keep sitting there. This time he got up, I said you looked tired, he said, come on.... meaning you cant sit there and do anymore to get me to change my mind. It makes me mad I signed a pain contract thinking I'd be getting more opiods, the same friggin small dose over 5 years does not help. Sorry I vented again. I'm sure it sucks in the U.S. too.

pain meds do suck in the u.s. as well. every month i have to call different pharmacies to get my morphine, they have my hydro-morphone but morphine is a bitch to get and i need it. my doctor won't raise mine either. i have had to learn to use other things to help with the pain since 2016 and the opioid crises. if you ever want to discuss pain feel free to use my inbox anytime. either way i understand what you're going through and you don't deserve it

mike....

 

[Windhover]

@cinnnamonflakez I hope you see that here we're not annoyed by what you post. I hope that you find a way to start removing the words which reinforce feeling bad about yourself. Trade them off for doing a self care of some sort, or some walking. You deserve peace and you are worthy of a living no matter who your parents are or what they've done and said.

 

[1964dodge]

pretty good

mike