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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
Okay I am feeling a combination, of, “whew- that was close,” and “holy fking shart that was too damn close!”
On my way home I had another near miss with speed enforcement. I usually try to be careful at night, for the regular reasons. However, I was going down a well lit road that’s not heavily used at night, and there was zero other cars in front of me and the nearest traffic behind me was two traffic signals back. This is a very tempting condition to gun the turbo, especially since I was a quarter mile away from the next turn, so I would be hitting the brakes soon anyway.
Right as my right foot (practically unbidden, mind you) is a centimeter above my accelerator, my headlights illuminated the reflective paint of a police vehicle stealthily parked off to the side where he couldn’t be seen until approaching traffic was less than 200 feet away.
Nonetheless, I am now painfully aware of how important it is for me to cool it with the turbo. I used to make enough that I could just eat the cost of a ticket and having to find a new insurance policy. I’m fking broke now, and getting somewhere 30 seconds sooner cannot be justified as a bearable risk!
Also, I really would feel terrible if I caused a collision, and I would find it impossible to live with myself if I caused an injury. I feel bad if I don’t notice someone approaching the elevator in time to hold it for them! No way I’m going to ever sleep again if I hurt someone, even as little as a bruise.
On my way home I had another near miss with speed enforcement. I usually try to be careful at night, for the regular reasons. However, I was going down a well lit road that’s not heavily used at night, and there was zero other cars in front of me and the nearest traffic behind me was two traffic signals back. This is a very tempting condition to gun the turbo, especially since I was a quarter mile away from the next turn, so I would be hitting the brakes soon anyway.
Right as my right foot (practically unbidden, mind you) is a centimeter above my accelerator, my headlights illuminated the reflective paint of a police vehicle stealthily parked off to the side where he couldn’t be seen until approaching traffic was less than 200 feet away.
Nonetheless, I am now painfully aware of how important it is for me to cool it with the turbo. I used to make enough that I could just eat the cost of a ticket and having to find a new insurance policy. I’m fking broke now, and getting somewhere 30 seconds sooner cannot be justified as a bearable risk!
Also, I really would feel terrible if I caused a collision, and I would find it impossible to live with myself if I caused an injury. I feel bad if I don’t notice someone approaching the elevator in time to hold it for them! No way I’m going to ever sleep again if I hurt someone, even as little as a bruise.
Messed up. Didn't sleep till 5am, in fact haven't slept much for a week - totally trashing any benefit I might have got from the time off. I have first interaction with an onscreen human since Dec 18th coming up in... 12 minutes. My eyes are tired. my brain hurts. And now I don't even have the fantasy of thinking that some rest and time off will be of benefit. If you still feel fried after over 2 weeks of doing mostly nothing, what the hell is actually going to help? Feel trapped - not functional enough to work, but if I don't work, the wheels come off. So I feel screwed either way. Not sure the cold weather is helping much. Or doom and gloom headlines about more bad weather. Will have to see how I feel after this first video call. Maybe I'll be OK, maybe I won't.
Permeating anew with dysphoria. And unfortunately, this not-mine timeline's pendulum swings in its favor of convincing me I'm actually of it... for now.
I hate admitting that, but I won't beat this if I don't admit when it's winning. If I'll admit it much sooner than I might not get as deep into fraud when the calendars parrot what this time-whatever's allegedly do.
I hate admitting that, but I won't beat this if I don't admit when it's winning. If I'll admit it much sooner than I might not get as deep into fraud when the calendars parrot what this time-whatever's allegedly do.
I feel okay today. I have this thought that constantly triggers me; that I'm running out of time. Now I am older, but I feel a lot better compared to 1-3 years ago. In those years, I couldn't do anything and felt dead inside. Now I feel alive and feel excited about life, but constantly feels like I'm running out of time because of my age and because I wasted those years being depressed or whatever.
I survived the day. Surprisingly my bodily stats are all fairly OK, heart rate and HRV stats fairly middling, nothing to suggest any increased stress. But my head feels like a bit of jelly. Back to the back to back meetings/calls interspersed with emails, more calls, messages, paperwork, demands, questions etc.... Just been quite dizzying today and no sense of "well that wasn't so bad". It was barely doable, just like in December. Now I've got 3 more days of it. WFH today but back to commuting tomorrow and Thursday.
Enraged and stressed. 3 days and it's back to this crap? Unfortunately I don't have much choice at my age of switching career or finding alternative work that would pay enough. So feel a bit trapped. People just expect the impossible and it's effortful trying to convince them that I cannae change the laws of effing physics....
Mum asked in Cex and they said they would look at it and if they can fix it would charge me £60 which is not so bad especially when I am thinking of buying a xbox one x so I can watch my tv and youtube downstairs
for a new PS5 I am looking at 400 here in the UK funny thing is last night my Xbox elite controller 2 broke the plastic bit came off the control still thank god you get spares in the box but damn tech is killing me right now
for a new PS5 I am looking at 400 here in the UK funny thing is last night my Xbox elite controller 2 broke the plastic bit came off the control still thank god you get spares in the box but damn tech is killing me right now
I feel exhausted because I am sabotaging myself. Now I want to do something goal-oriented but I hardly slept last night and I did at least 6 hrs of chores yesterday in a cleaning binge. Now my back hurts and I can hardly think straight. Probably should cook an egg or two and then see how I feel from there.
I'm not giving into this, but I feel like it might help to acknowledge that I'm facing a degree of regret over not taking my exit earlier, like about 20 years ago.
I'm not giving into this, but I feel like it might help to acknowledge that I'm facing a degree of regret over not taking my exit earlier, like about 20 years ago.
I don’t think I will live long. Probably 40 at best. I have done SO many tests. I’m physically healthy, but I feel physically sick ALL TIME. And yea, it’s definitely because of my mental state. I shake the whole day, can barely get up and go to the bathroom , catch colds too easily and like 6-7 times every cold season. I am giving up on my dreams and future and I think of hurting myself. But even if I didn’t hurt myself I don’t think I will even reach the middle age naturally.