How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[LumberJack]

Weird. I just got home and my brain started spinning. It’s like a voice in my head (not like an audio hallucination, just repeating thoughts) that jeers at me with criticism as evidence for the conclusion that I am late.

As in, I should have completed my suicide by now and it’s a foregone conclusion that it must happen eventually. Therefore, I am prolonging my suffering and that of the people who are foolish enough to let themselves be influenced by me. It would be better to just get it over with and minimize the amount of time I spend agonizing over it and not being able to commit.

 

[Shinzon1]

Feel like I'm either going to make the best choice of my life or the worst.

 

[HappyKitty]

im just really embarrassed i have to wear cpap to sleep somehow, after my sleep apnea test is due again. (2x)… somehow idky this is emarrassing?

 

[Angie]

I am happy and hopeful. Lets hope it continues!

 

[chiastic_slide]

Exhausted. Insane. I’m realizing I have been dealing with customer service for 3-4 hours today. At least 4 different people. No wonder I’m feeling insane. Too much even on a good day. Been absolute absurdity.

Can’t even eat. Too stressed. Don’t know what to do. Even out eventually I guess.

 

[cymbele]

im just really embarrassed i have to wear cpap to sleep somehow, after my sleep apnea test is due again. (2x)… somehow idky this is emarrassing?

I have a CPAP mask and i was so exhausted I would fall asleep with it. Try wearing it before you go to sleep so as to get used to it. BTW, I have a nasal mask not a full mask. Thank God I don't have to sleep with anyone - I too would be embarassed.

 

[full]

My leg -not the hip- is sore today. Probably stemming from the hip problem. It was so crazy sore yesterday that I could barely walk. I called my friend massage therapist and got a leg massage. Since i met her 10 years ago I have never asked for a massage but I was a mess. I don't know how others like @1964dodge and I believe @full deal with the pain.

But down to a low level of pain today. I will go to tai chi tonight but since it's an active form of tai chi (almost karate) I will try to avoid things that will strain the leg.

Sorry to complain but I never started a diary on SF and this doesn't feel like a major or petty complaint. Just old age.

So sorry to read about your troubles. Physical pain on top of mental issues is a beast. My primary has me on oxycodone and just a few minites ago I called to schedule in home PT (🤞 I'll be able to afford it). Even though it sounda contraintuitive, but for some ailments movement and then proper rest cycle are beneficial, for some only strong paonkiller, for others praying to higher power, then distractions, and communication with others so brain is not occupoed with pain signals. All of these sometimes work, sometimes don't. I am glad you are mobile for tai chi session. There is a thread here on SF that I belive @1964dodge started on different ways how members deal with the pain. But, honestly, due to pain right now I am not up for to search for it.

 

[BlueHealingHeart]

I'm feeling pretty lonely right now, I wish I had more people to talk too. Also I hardly got any sleep last night. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I'm talking to my doctor to put me on a sleep medication because I really need it.

 

[LumberJack]

doing mostly okay today. Made a plan for what to do. Have a neat outing planned for tonight - going the next town over for a Kirtan event. Kirtan is more or less an improvisational Indian form of music that involves call and response between performers and crowd. In short, a yoga sing-along, lol. I took care of one thing that has been bothering me (about 75% anyway), and I'm ripping the band-aid on doing a budget for how much to take out of my IRA monthly with the early dist penalty until I have an income.

I'm very ashamed about the financial part because I've always been fairly good at making money, and somewhat competent about managing my own finances. I could have done better, but hindsight being what it is, I can only move forward from here. But losing everything down to paying rent from retirement savings on a 10% haircut is humbling, to say the least.

So, that's how I'm feeling. I'm moving into better territory with my behavior, but really regretful about the past and anxious about the future. I guess it doesn't really matter how I feel about it. I can only do my best. Courage is not about the absence of fear, but feeling the fear and doing the thing anyway. I have been pretty nihilistic and fatalistic since I lost my job in Feb last year, more or less just doing nothing with my life and hoping to die soon. I've changed my mind since starting OCD treatment. If I can face this stuff, I must have more courage than I initially thought I did. My intestines are still spazzing out but I guess that's the eggs I gotta crack to make the proverbial omelette. PS I can usually spell near perfectly but those French loanwords, too many double-consonants that follow no predictable pattern.

 

[chiastic_slide]

Thought I was doing better. But now spiraling again. Anxiety up to 11. Scared.

Tried to watch comfort movie but it felt too loud and bright.

Maybe calming down again. Trying again with the movie.

 

[LumberJack]

I'm feeling pretty lonely right now, I wish I had more people to talk too. Also I hardly got any sleep last night. I kept waking up in the middle of the night. I'm talking to my doctor to put me on a sleep medication because I really need it.

I have been there. Caused by Seroquel/quetiapine, which I had to quit because it stopped working and the sedation had me lights out for 14 hrs + out of every 24, and the remaining 10 hrs/day I was hardly useful. Going off of it, my body had no interest in sleeping. First whack was sleep hygiene, which is drug free but enormous amounts of work until it becomes routine. Second was Ambien, which made things really weird and worked for 5 hrs before it wore off and I was more wired than the moment I took it. I was prescribed Xanax at the time thanks to a brand new panic disorder diagnosis, so I started just using that to fall asleep, but that also had a rebound effect. Now I'm on a subtherapeutic dose of quetiapine, which is so sedating it knocks me out (usually) and the insignificant dose has no psych effect at all. The great thing about that is it works on different receptors than the benzo and benzo analogues, meaning my tolerance doesn't increase exponentially over time and I still get to have REM sleep, which the benzos suppress.

I don't know anything about the variables you have with respect to biology, lifestyle, and what else is prescribed for you. Therefore I am not saying this is at all appropriate for your own situation, but rather that if any of this sounds like you, it might give you a couple ideas around questions to discuss with the dr.

 

[LumberJack]

Thought I was doing better. But now spiraling again. Anxiety up to 11. Scared.

Tried to watch comfort movie but it felt too loud and bright.

Maybe calming down again. Trying again with the movie.

Anxiety blows, especially when everything I try to help my body calm down ultimately backfires. Distraction is great because it takes away the self-monitoring part that makes it so hard. I can't beat myself up for failing to relax if I'm not thinking about it. I hope you find something that works for you.

 

[Windhover]

For the main I'm alright. I have to be. But I can tell a part of my mind has stuff it's trying to sort out.

 

[SillyOldBear]

I am so fucking tired of pain. God, why don't you just call me home? When will you finally decide it has been enough?

 

[ClassicsFan]

Stuffed.

 

[HappyKitty]

I have a CPAP mask and i was so exhausted I would fall asleep with it. Try wearing it before you go to sleep so as to get used to it. BTW, I have a nasal mask not a full mask. Thank God I don't have to sleep with anyone - I too would be embarassed.

yeaa i dont want a full mask😹

 

[LumberJack]

Okay so Kirtan was an absolute blast! They had some really super musicians who just shredded it. I cried a bit at the end. Good tears, like appreciation combined with… something I can’t put into words. I’m feeling better for now. I will just enjoy it while it lasts.

 

[Inanimate]

Dispirited. Stopped taking doxepin for several days and noticed my sleep quality was about the same without it, so I figured that I built up a tolerance. Feeling encouraged, I took it again in the hopes that the effects would come back stronger, and I slept until sunset.

*sigh*

I just want my life back.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Like I have a headache.

 

[1964dodge]

My leg -not the hip- is sore today. Probably stemming from the hip problem. It was so crazy sore yesterday that I could barely walk. I called my friend massage therapist and got a leg massage. Since i met her 10 years ago I have never asked for a massage but I was a mess. I don't know how others like @1964dodge and I believe @full deal with the pain.

But down to a low level of pain today. I will go to tai chi tonight but since it's an active form of tai chi (almost karate) I will try to avoid things that will strain the leg.

Sorry to complain but I never started a diary on SF and this doesn't feel like a major or petty complaint. Just old age.

i hope it completely heals soon

mike....